I've been journaling more lately.  One article I recently read suggested writing a goodbye and hello letter to self. So I share here to maybe help others and share how I am feeling...

I’ve always wanted the “perfect” family.  After my parents divorce when I was youngerr and the realization that my father cheated on my mom, I had subconsciously desired a different outcome.  However, I become a young mom. At 17, almost 18, I had a son with a high school boyfriend.  Yes, he and I were friends but I was also in competition with another girl. So if I gave him what he wanted physically, maybe I’d “win”.  I did win with my son.  He is the best thing thing that has happened to me in addition to my later daughter.  I grew up with him really.  Thankfully, my brain snapped from child to a hardworking mother who wanted the best for herself and son.  When meeting my husband, I saw a man that I felt I’d like my son to be around.  Yes, I was intrigued by his edge and attracted but I really liked his stability and how my son could learn to be a man like him. A hard worker and strong.  We married, had a daughter and started a life.  Yes, we had good times but sprinkled in there was emotional disconnection, emotional and verbal abuse, and ongoing infidelity.  Yet, I found myself trying. Thinking about my next generation.  So I say goodbye to this “perfect family” vision.  I say goodbye to he and I  being there “together” for our kid’s future milestones; like meeting their love, getting married, having children of their own and weekends set for our grandchildren to visit.  That is what I miss the most.  Being together with our grandchildren...  that don’t even exist yet! It’s not real, it’s a vision... a dream. A dream that felt so real that it was one of the things that gave me the strength for so many years to keep my head down and keep going without love.  I cry about us splitting but I was reading that many times being married can become an identity.  So I don’t cry over losing him, but over an identity and dreams.  But I must say goodbye to that.  And most of it isn’t even real yet. 

So here I am.. Goodbye to that dream and hello to Rebecca..  Here I am.. here for you. So be you..

You love animals, you love nature and water, self help books, gardening, and house plants. You love eggs over easy and dipping your toast in them. You love the sun and sitting on the porch. You like bonfires and fireflies.  You love helping people especially seniors and young mothers.  You like musicals and have an appreciation for art and musicians.  You love looking at the stars and thinking about creation.. about how small we are.  How gravity works and how humans came to exist.  You love to laugh and you love your friends as if they are family.  You are empathetic and amazing.  Don’t let anyone dictate who you are again. Don’t let yourself adjust your likes and dislikes to simply be liked by them.  Don’t hold your tongue to injustice and wrongdoings.  You do not have to agree with others to be respected or liked.  You liking yourself is the only person that matters.  Don’t be over talked.. speak your mind.  You are intelligent and have a unique perspective that should be respected.  You should be heard so don’t shut up just to maintain “peace”.  Be spontaneous, have some fun.  Pick up and go on random road trips,  experience new places, food and people.  Live your life.  So while I say goodbye I also say Hello.