Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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playerapr 09/30/2011

My marriage is over, my H had an EA that just destroyed our marriage, we tried to work things out but he is emotionally gone and he just don't want to be married anymore.
We discussed divorce vs. legal separation for financial and rational reasons. But he is adamant on getting a divorce cause he just don't want to be married.
I have accepted the fact that my marriage is over but since our divorce is at no fault divorce and no disagreeent divorce I could be divorce in a matter of 2-3 weeks and I'm not ready to loose everything just yet (health insurance and other benefits).
I don't know how to approach the subject without him thinking I'm stalling or that I want him back, I still love him but I also know that is time to move on, I don't want him thinking that I want him to stay. It would hurt me to see him dating and moving on with his life but the legal separation will be like a marriage of convenience until I stand up on my own 2 feet. He is release of his husbandly duties, we are "emotionally" divorce.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads.
Any thoughts or suggestions.

whiskeytangofoxtrot 09/30/2011

Do you have a lawyer?

Do NOT do this quickly. You have children and he is military. You need a lawyer!!

playerapr 09/30/2011

I dont have a lawyer - we were going to use the same lawyer to save some money. I'm not against or arguing on what we agree on I just don't want to do this quickly, need some time to get myself settle.

namaste02 09/30/2011

Lots of factors come into play here..think about all of them. Child support, housing, division of assets and retirement, etc. Are you filing in NY or elsewhere? Are you working somewhere where you can pick up health insurance? You can also keep your tricare for 18 months post divorce, but you will have to pay $1000 quarterly for it. Wishing you the best!

playerapr 09/30/2011

I'm currently working but it is a term that is supposed to end in March-April and I don't want to find myself without health insurance. $1000 quarterly with no job Ouch!!!!! Filling in NY, I'm ready for the divorce but not for the legal mess that it involves. Am I using legalities as a crutch???? Mood: Frustrated

whiskeytangofoxtrot 09/30/2011

I really really really think you should get your own lawyer. Simply because he want's it fast and you don't. You need to work out the technicalities of benefits etc. If you can't agree on this now together he sure as hell is not going to agree on other things you will need.

Im sorry honey, but please get your own lawyer.

namaste02 09/30/2011

Nope, you arent using legalities as a crutch. When you are divorcing someone in the military it gets very very complicated. You are planning on staying here for now, but what happens when he has to PCS? Will you move to his new location too? What if he ends up in Korea or Germany, etc?

namaste02 09/30/2011

i have to agree with WTF on the lawyer thing....you have to protect yourself and your children...

MTZ3 09/30/2011

I did not have any kind of legal separation, and totally regret it, for the sake of our kids... I know I dropped the ball on this one.. but at the time I just wanted it over with. Now, I feel the kids pay the price.

While we had talked about divorce two years prior (then made up), really, I had no idea what a divorce would entail. I was not at all expecting what how much less time I would have with the kids (I was a FT SAHM prior to the divorce, now I work FT, and we have joint custody-and I am miserable as I miss the kids every single day and they miss me-he is still detached-which is a long story in itself). From the time we brought up divorce (this last time) to the time of signing the divorce, as 1 month. Again no trial of separation, I had no idea it would be so hard. But I am working hard to pick myself up off the ground.

As others have said, do not rush. But sure of what you really want. I think a 6 month trial separation is probably enough, to figure out what you both want.

playerapr 09/30/2011

He has orders to South Carolina and I have family close, one of the reasons that I was holding on on the move cause it is expensive to move and part of the agreement was that when he moves he will move household stuff to the area where I can settle in my own place - not moving with him but taking advantage of the fact that he is moving instead of paying for a move out of my own pocket. I really want to slow things down I just dont know how to tell him without sounding like I'm stalling or begging not to divorce(that's my pride talking!!!)

namaste02 09/30/2011

Maybe just tell him what you want? :) Emotions run high with deployment, you both need time. not to mention... it really does work to his financial advantage to go the legal separation route.

playerapr 09/30/2011

Thanks namaste!!! I'm going to talk to him about it again - emotions have been running high on both sides, ups and downs. Thanks for the support and the advise :)

trisha9054 09/30/2011

Am I right in reading you would be moving to SC? I don't know about military divorces but I do know there is no quickie divorces in SC. Maybe someone military can see if that would be a good move for you. It's one year separation living separate households unless one of you want to admit to adultery. In that one year you might be entitled to support until the divorce is final. CAn someone tell if that would be the better option as far as health insurance and benefits

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