Most people don't treat divorce trivially as you find on this board. It causes so much hurt and pain.

But many here realize that they can't dwell in the past after the divorce because after awhile it is unhealthy for them and they proceed to work to be independent and strive for their new future, so they work hard on focusing on what is best for themselves and not on the past, which no one can do anything about. Dwelling in the past does not allow you to move forward and to gain the strength to go on.

How does anyone cope with any kind of tragedy? I personally have to find humor in any situation that is trying because if I do not it will consume me. I believe the idea is overcome your pain the best way possible and sometimes by making a mockery of life and its little tragedies you can pull through even if you are old fashioned in nature. I suffer from depression. I am not divorced yet but having endured so much negativity I think the idea of getting away from the negativity actually boosted my mood. I believe currently I still love my husband. Its extremely hard to live with someone who seperates themsleves from you. You have to find humor in it to survive but it is only my opinion and what helps me get through all lifes tragedies.

I agree with your point of view...

But....

Don't let this define you.

death? it is the exact opposite for me. i feel free as a bird and it's great. my ex was impossible. lots of expectations but did little herself. i am much better off now !

My depression went over the edge when my wife left. It is not, and never will be, easy. I struggle every single day. I hate what is happening and what I have to go through, and what our kids have to go through. However, there is nothing more I can do about that.

I'm not going to promise your life will be happy now. It won't. It may take years for you to feel like you have put it all behind you. And that's OK. Your own situation is unique to you. You need to live and grieve that loss in the way that is best for you. Take it one day, one hour, or even one minute at a time if you need to.

Best of luck to you.

My ex and I separated just over six years ago on February 16, 2007. Our divorce was final less than 6 months later on August 6, 2007. I can tell you that I've never experienced the feelings that I experienced during that time in my life. The amount of stress, depresion, anger, and sadness I felt were so overwhelming at times that I was very lucky to have an understanding boss else I would have lost my job.

All the "cute" advice really does help with all the overwhelming feelings that you are experiencing. All you can do is focus on putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. As someone who has been there time really does help. You will begin to feel like this marriage happened to someone else and your stbx will become a stranger, someone you do not know.

Marriages fail for many reasons and people deal with stressful events in different ways. The best thing you can do for yourself is not focus on how others react but instead, get help if you need it and think about your future. You have a new normal and your life is going to be different but you are not doomed to a lifetime of unhappiness and failure even if you feel that way now. You will feel happiness and, possibly, love again when you are ready. Right now you are still grieving and that is perfectly ok.

I live in OK, too, and I know it is difficult to find support, but it really does help. Check with your insurance if you have any, and see if they offer something. Your employer may have some type of assistance program that could get you in touch with a counselor. It has helped me. I know exactly where you are. I am fighting it daily. Sometimes hourly. Talk to friends. Unload. You need to or it will smother you. Coming here helps, too. Talk to us. I hurt with you. You can do this. We all can.

Because, when it comes down to it, we either let this take charge of our lives or WE take charge of our lives.

I choose not to wallow in self-pity and feel like a loser. I choose to be relieved by the burden and weight of a lousy marriage being off my chest, and making my life into what I want.

Maybe people telling you "cute" stuff isn't your thing. Don't listen to it and handle your business how you see fit.

No, it is not somehting you or I can shake off. Ever. It was a marriage. Like you said, not a break-up of two teenagers.

I have felt every emotion and never been so sad, devastated in my life.
Depressed. You bet I am.

Yes, there is a death. My marriage, the most, THE most important thing to me is dead. I am alive but a shell. All i can say is i never knew what pain was involved thought i knew the words of it hard etc. until now when I am in the middle of it. It is hell on earth.

The only positive. do not wallow.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade....not because you want to, but often there is no other choice.

MOST people I know that divorced went though a horrible time emotionally.

EVERY one that I know personally has recovered very well.

Hi Phoenix: My biggest concern is that 5 years down the line is that you may still feel like you do. That's a lot of baggage to tote for all those years.

I don't consider divorce an utter failure and disgrace, laying you naked and bar, eviscerateing you, humilating and debaseing all.

I found that divorce was a way to end a marriage of abuse that should have ended much earlier. I felt like a failure and disgrace and all that in my marriage for how my husband made me feel and the abuse I took. But when he first emotionally abused our young child that the child nearly commited suicide at school and I tried to talk to my husband and he made some wise ass remark instead of trying to deal with a serious problem, I snapped and every fiber inside of me snapped it's bonds.

I hit my husband in the face for the first time in my life--the abused hit the abuser and I then kicked his butt out the door. I was the Incredible Hulk and my concern was protecting that child and giving him a home and family where he would be safe.

I then saw a divorce attorney and went for divorce on the grounds of cruelty. Divorce is a viable option and I don't think anyone treats it trvially because it hurts.

Mindy McCready went into incredible depression with the passing of her spouse. So many here discuss how divorcce is like death. I so hope that no one ever decides to take the path she did and instead keeps trying to make the effort to move forward for the sake of themselves.

I can only tell you what I went through and what I am still going through. It was totally devasting. In many ways, I still feel lost because I really don't know what to do with myself now. But, people deal with things in different ways. some are more stoic than others. People will give you all kinds of advice, but really you have to find your own way through the darkness. It's kind of like the death of a loved one and you grieve. You have to find your own way and move forward at your own pace. Find what works for you. Keep outting one foot in front of the other. That's all I know.

Don't assume people on here took their marriages lightly or divorced at the drop of a hat simply because they come up with "cute" little ways of expressing their sorrow and how to move on. We all deal with our tragedies in different ways. The ending of my marriage was, and is, very sad, and I wish it didn't have to come to that. I fought for it. But it takes 2, and he would rather drink beer than be a family. That was his choice. Nothing I could do about it. So I had to move on. It's been incredibly difficult, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't go to sleep many nights hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. But it's been almost 2 years since I moved out, and things are now much better. Still not divorced, and still living in transitional-type housing, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not the same person I was, either before I got married or since, but I'm a lot stronger. This divorce isn't killing me, and I know I'll be OK. And that's a far cry from how I felt 2 years ago. It's taken time, and a lot of therapy, to get to where I am now. It's a process we all have to go through.

I feel a lot of your pain as my spouse of 11 years has left our family and is shacking up with a 24 yr old coworker. He never says divorce but I bring it up now and then and even in such a hurtful state I still hate the taste the word when it leaves in my mouth. I am a Christian so I really feel like satan himself is laughing at us. But like you I will figure out how to live with my spouses choices. Divorce is over rated Good Luck

Hi
I am a man I understand your feelings. Yes I was left with nothing. I went thru some terrible times. now down the road my ex has faded. My hurt has faded. Just do your time. It will take a while. do not go backwards. Acceptance is key.
I live alone but I no longer hurt. I have a new life now-my own.