Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Divorce final/ new relationship

cisl4him
cisl4him
Hi

I'm not sure if any of you remember me from back in January or so but my divorce went through May 23. I'm doing pretty well. I ended up becoming involved with a male friend who was helping me get through with this divorce. It feels so weird to have another man in my life. We don't see each other during the week because he lives an hour and 1/2 from me. He does have a past but doesn't everyone. I got to know him as the man he is today prior to him telling me he spent 10 months in prison 6 years ago. it was a turning point in his life. You know , never in my wildest dreams did I ever dream I would give a man who spent time behind prison walls a chance to love me. The way I see it is , he was man enough to tell me. He is also in recovery and is much closer to God because of it. Am I wrong to give this man a chance? He is so good to me. His family has supported him in his journey to put the pieces of his life back together. I also told my family and one of my children about the time he spent, actually he told my son. He is very open and honest with people although he has lost friends because of his charge.

Anyway, my life with Bill is over. he looked terrible at court. He is obviously depressed . Not sure if he is still using. Gotta go for now. Hope to hear back from anyone who remembers me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would be cautious of starting a new relationship this soon. But that is really up to you and how you feel.

Also the prison thing wouldn't big as huge of a deal since he was honest about it, but it would still bother me and would also depend on the charge. I have a friend who went to prison at 18 for stealing a teachers car, a stupid high school prank, and now he owns a successful lawn care business and is a loving family man. I admire his honesty though.

All in all, you have to do what feels right to you. If you have "strange" feelings about it that to me would be a big sign to me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am concerned about him being in recovery. Be careful
deleted_user
deleted_user
i remember you :)
I would be cautious, especially so soon after a divorce.. we are very needy for love and at a vulnerable time like this... any love will do.
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
Gotta agree with the others. Three red flags for me--one, he has a prison record. I'd be wondering what he did to end up there--was it related to violence, drugs, etc.? Two, he is in recovery--how long has he been in recovery? What was his addiction? Three--he lives an hour and a half away. When you do a long-term relationship, it's difficult to really get to know someone. You don't see them day to day, when little red flag issues would be more apparent.

I think you should probably take a step back from this. I agree with Blue Jay--you are still vulnerable and that may make this guy look more appealing than what he really is. I know I dated right after my divorce was final. I look back now at those guys and think, "Ugh, what was I thinking!"

Sending hugs.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wasn't here in January.. I was still dating the guy I started dating less than 2 months after a long term relationship ended. A friend of mine tried to give me the "heads up" about transition relationships. For me (I was is first relationship after his divorce) and him (he was my first after). Well, didn't work. You might want to read up on "transition relationships"?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think I am in one of those now but we don't have an intimate relationship although he wants to. I'm not ready. My worry is that I will hurt him one day when I'm over the pain and hurt of the breakup of my marriage. My guy friend has been great at cheering me up and helping me out and it's been hard not to let him. I've been up front with him about being not ready for anything serious but I think he keeps hoping.
deleted_user
deleted_user
you are brave to choose an ex con. i don't think that i could take such a high risk.
blixxa
blixxa
While I agree it might be too soon, everyone deserves a second chance. Some people need a wake up call and they change their life around and live on the straight an narrow. Alot of people in that situation dont believe anyone will love them, even though they have changed. Society casts a stigma on people who aren't perfect and it does not matter for what; weight, hair loss, criminal record, listening to EMO music ect. You need to do whats best for you.

Just be careful and if it does not feel right then trust your gut.
cisl4him
cisl4him
Blixxa...thank you so much for your insight. My gut tells me he is a nice person who (like many other men) got caught up on porn sites. I do feel that this may end up coming between us but only time will tell. He is so nice to me, we can talk about anything, i mean anything, even in regard to his addiction. I am praying to God to show me what to do. Yes, everyone does deserve a second chance. Part of me feels that I know what I may never know about another man i choose to date. I feel I know every secret about this man and part of me likes this idea. thank u for your insight.
cisl4him
cisl4him
To all. yes, I need to be cautious I agree totally. I have finally put a hold on us today but I know he is devastated. He said he won't bother me know. He has always had a feeling he would only get to love me for a short time because he felt his past would come between us. It seems he may be right but I'm not sure. I know I have been vulnerable. the thing is, that we were just friends for 8 months until a dinner date and a kiss, then it became more. Maybe I will get a book on transition. Thnks all for your concern and insight for me, I do need it.
ChiTownBear
ChiTownBear
Absolve is hard to come by when a person has done something so extreme it is against the law. I would like to think I am one that would give 2nd chances, but I know it would be based on limits. Limits of what the person did to get in trouble. If it was something of hurt against another human, or animal, etc.

I believe there are situations and people that do deserve a 2nd chance. That may have just made a mistake and have or are still paying for it. There are also people that show consistent behavior that is abusive/harmful to others and they continue that behavior and do not seek resolve.

Its hard to tell, consistent behavior is a good indicator. Certain things that longer than others to come to a resolution on. Taking a few steps back to look at yourself and the relationship is a good thing. keeping the lines of communication open as you do and share thoughts with him is good also. Educating yourself as well as the experience you will gain in the near future, will give you guidance on what is the path you should take. With or without him. Just keep an open mind, open eyes and heart.

Best wishes.
lostdaddy
lostdaddy
The only Prison record that would concern me is if it was for child molestation. Anything other than that is up to the person to put it behind them and make a new start on life. He paid for the crime and really that is it in a nutshell. If you care and he cares, then it doesnt matter who else cares. sound like Dr Seuss, lol. No one wants to be alone unless it a self choice. I didnt either but had to endure the pain of her infidelity to me. As for the porn, Be honest about it with him, tell him how you feel but like drinking coffee or smoking cigs, its a habit that can be gotten rid of. love and support. is the right answer but the person has to want to change the action. that is the only way it works.
cisl4him
cisl4him
faith777...i really wouldn't say I'm brave at all. What I think happened is that he and I were friends. When he did tell me after we realized we had feelings it was already too late for me. It didn't seem to matter to me. I can't believe that I am still involved with him because I do worry about what others think of me. I have had two people try to steer me away from him already. One is an old boyfriend who had hoped to win me back and the other is my ex's brother. Each one sent me a news clipping from my new man's conviction. I told them each i was well aware of his past and for them to look at themselves. Anyway, I do appreciate whatever you have to say. I do take very seriously this relationship. I'm glad i came back to this group.
cisl4him
cisl4him
lostdaddy...thank you for your insight. The conviction was for possession of child pornoghraphy. As he explained it to me his wife and he were in the middle of a child support dispute. He was barely making ends meet and was trying to have it modified. He still pays 1,400 each month and makes $14 per our. He barely has enough to live on but he works hard to pay the support. His daughter did just turn 18. I think only time will tell for me to really trust he is changed. From what I have seen so far he is an amazing man. He is caring of others ect. Anyway, thank you so much for your support. I hope you are doing ok with what you have been going through also.