Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Can anyone make sense of fast paced divorce due to falling out of love? My ex wife drop this bomb shel and her desire to find herself as the triger for wanting a divorce. I married a woman with a beautiful sole and suddenly became cold and selfish as she stopped having a feeling towards me last August.
Our marriage wasn't perfect but we always managed to keep it fresh, continue to go out and dance, travelled, have two wonderful kids approaching their teen years and doing great in school, her families respected me and wrote me letters thanking me for loving their daughter and respecting her.
In the last year I worked longer hours (was a requirment for a start up with lean staff) and she took on more kids activities that we normally shared. Ones things calmed down I thanked her for having my back and tried to reinsert my self to our normal life but she didn't want any of it as she felt abondoned the last year. Not to be needy and pushy I gave her a space and took it slow but that didn't help either.
For the first time in our marriage divorce topic came about, and she seemed more convinced as I was no longer able to replicate the feeling she had towards me. We tried MC but that did more damage as it focused on justifying her falling out of love due to my comitment to work rather than family and further kept us apart.
The love, laughter replaced with uncomfortable silence or as I try to learn more about her state of mind, she chose to magnify my imperfection and barley put an effort to look at the sum of all the great and not so great moments. So focused on the last year of our marriage - finally told me she don't want try no more.
I understand you can't ask someone to love you when their heart is not in it, but isn't marriage a commitment and feelings may come and go in a long marriage - I tried watering the flowers for the past 6 months but she chose to water the weed and left me broken, confused, hurt, and she seem to take it with stride. She tells me she doesn't want to hurt me, but spent the last 6 months proving that I am not worth loving. I am left wondering if I can ever love unconditionally after losing my wife and best friend without closure.
It is a commitment, and both people have to want to make it work. It doesn't make sense to me either. Everyone says it will get better. It's hard to imagine what it will be like without her and even harder thinking about loving another woman. I have to think positively and hope everyone is right. In the mean time...take care of yourself. I relish the moments when the sadness and anxiety lifts temporarily. I look forward to the day when it's gone.
Out of sheer coincidence, as I write this I am listening to the Foo Fighters' "Everlong". Besides being an absolutely amazing song, the motivation for it was Dave Grohl's feelings when he met a new girl some time after his divorce that he had thought would be the end of his love life. That's why the lyrics say "and I wonder (...) if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again". It can be this good again, and we can love and live again. They gave up on our promise, but at least we have that to take with us: we didn't give up, we made all sorts of mistakes but we didn't give up on ourselves or on them. Let's not use this to be bitter to them, they have their path to walk towards themselves and who they want to be. We must instead use this to be kind to ourselves, and to prove to ourselves that we do deserve to love again, and that we'll be great at it!
It is so hard not to bitter when the one person you loved unconditionally rip your heart to pieces but you are absolutley right.
I am currently minimizing any communications to ease the pain, don't have hate but I am trying to make sense of how the same person that brought so much joy into my life can also trigger this much pain.
I read falling out of love is a process that takes time and those that do- share it with families and friends and let it brew more to valudate thier decision.
My ex wife always preached communications before making a serious decision that impacted us but when it counted the most she processed the most important decision without me in the picture. It will forever hurt knowing now we had no chance after she decided her path,
It is so hard not to bitter when the one person you loved unconditionally rip your heart to pieces but you are absolutley right.
I am currently minimizing any communications to ease the pain, don't have hate but I am trying to make sense of how the same person that brought so much joy into my life can also trigger this much pain.
I read falling out of love is a process that takes time and those that do- share it with families and friends and let it brew more to valudate thier decision.
My ex wife always preached communications before making a serious decision that impacted us but when it counted the most she processed the most important decision without me in the picture. It will forever hurt knowing now we had no chance after she decided her path
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My therapist gave me a simple goal to achieve within the next 4 weeks: accept the termination of the relationship. My wife has given me no indication that she has any doubts, in fact she has been clear that she doesn't think she ever will have any . At least I must thank her for that. What's your case?
The other main goal I have is regaining my self confidence and more specifically correcting the currently distorted image I have of myself. See, the problem is I keep blaming myself for the end of the relationship and, although I cannot run away from my errors, which were plenty and very painful to her without doubt, there's also the fact that I honestly was working (and will continue) to fix them. However, she gave up, she simply could not take it any more, and I don't blame her. Either way, I did not chose to have my errors, and I did suffer from them too (as I'm sure you've suffered yourself working so hard spending so much time away from your family). I am suffering from them now, and heaven knows I would have liked to be rid of them earlier.
It's heart wrenching that they essentially gave us no warning whatsoever. I think probably we both deserved better, whatever our errors, but it is what it is and it makes no sense to hold it against them, they were going through their own tragedy deciding to divorce men who they know love them dearly, if imperfectly.
In any case, we need to own our errors, yes, but we need to look forward to the good things that are bound to be coming our way. We need to prepare ourselves for life again.
Right now, we need ourselves, and we need that not to depend on what they think of us..
I wish I had some answers for both of you. I do like to think that we can recover. I am trying to be positive because the alternative is so hopeless. Thank you for offering encouragement with the song lyrics.
It is very true that we need to keep perspective and not depend on them to approve of us. Everything good we brought to our relationships came from within. If we can nourish ourselves the way we nourished our relationshipsite, we should be able to overcome.
I now know she is capable of hardening her heart and closing a chapter without giving even in what she termed wonderful years together a chance. My last word to her was that I geneuenly hope she finds herself happiness for the sake of one person getting something out of the divorce.
I am learning to accept that I have to move on from a life I loved and grieve at my own pace. Nothing to celebrate but taking it one day at a time.