My kids are younger, 3,7&8. But they are no strangers to pitting us against each other.... well daddy lets us eat whatever we want, daddy doesn't make us do chores, daddy daddy daddy! And he definately uses the kids to getcto me as well. That being said, I think there is no right and wrong in situations like we are in, there is just doing the best you can with what you have... I think you are, had mine pulled something similar, which I am sure they will in a couple years, I would have done the same thing...at some point the whole
"cool dad " thing will backfire when he tries after so long to enforce one of his rules. They will figure out that its not better at his house.. even so, it is or dry frustrating to deal with that situation so you are in my thoughts!

Thank-you,it does help knowing I'm not alone. They called me this morning and said they do want to still stay with me. And I was very relieved!! I just told them that I was glad, but they need to agree to follow my rules. Which they did. Then they asked if I would try to not yell so much...which I agreed to as well!!

Well even in my relationship I was the rule enforcer so there are def no changes out of the relationship! I guess I am used to it, so my kids know when I am serious and so far as teens still respect me. I say stand ur ground and u did the right thing. They have to learn ur not a puppet and that ur rules are because u love them. Let's see how long ur ex wants them at his house 24/7 ! Good luck

I would focus on the behavior and try to leave the other parent out of it even if it is difficult ("my thirteen year old started yellowing at me, stickup up for her and their father..."). If you show them love and discipline at the same time, they will understand eventually. The fun parent is always fun in the moment, but in the end, security and unconditional love win out over fun.

I have three teens with 50/50.

At first, I tried coordinating on the kids. It became something else we argued about and something more for me to worry about if I was doing it 'right'. It can drive you crazy,

The biggest breakthrough came when I finally realized that I don't need her permission to parent as i believe in. I set down the rules, curfews, household tasks, etc. I started easy - clear expectations of that they would each plan and make supper one night a week.
they are all doing it, the oldest will even stop by and make supper after work and going to her boyfriends for supper,

Chores are still a bit of a problem, but I don't allow myself to get frustrated and yell at them. This just brings the argument to their level, Arguing takes away my parenting authority and leaves me negotiating away their responsibilities.

As unbelievable as it sounds, the kids responded fantastically. I think it is because they know what is expected of them. Not much different than work, it sucks when you don't know what you are supposed to be doing.

Let him parent as he wishes, focus on being parenting according to you own values. The kids will adjust to two sets of rules,

I agree with the two sets of rules. My parents lived across the street from one another at one point after they divorced and I have no idea what the custody agreement was, but my sister and I were free to come and go as we pleased between the two (unfortunately that meant when one parent got angry, we'd get kicked out and sent to the other parent's, until another blow up, and then that parent would send us back... though maybe that situation was for the best). There were certain rules at each house that each parent had, and then there were rules that the two had agreed upon. I think the most important part is making the rules clear, in advance.

I see your daughter's point, if she had been staying with her dad at the time she got the tickets. It's an issue where you two have different sets of rules. When she's with her dad... she can drive after 9 and face the legal consequences. When she's with you... no driving after 9. At 17, she's going to play you two against each other and it is a losing battle. Neither you nor your ex will win that game. I would mainly focus on the 13 year old.

I think you did the right thing. My situation is VERY similar: 3 of my 5 kids are teens with 50/50 custody. I also live very close to their father, who is a passive-aggressive 'absentee father' because he was there, but not really 'there'. My 15 yr old has always had a rebellious nature, but after the divorce and my move, she got 10x worse. I took her phone away due to poor grades and behavior and she yelled at and hit me trying to get it back. She then headed to ex's house after I told her I am not raising a child that I can't give reasonable punishment to. She stayed away a few weeks before I realized I gave her exactly what she wanted-total freedom to do whatever she wanted without limits. Our parenting plan lacks structure because of their ages and schedules (school, sports, friends), but mostly due to the lack of support and consistency when they are away. Single parenting is very difficult so the only advice I can give you is what I have been told from my therapist and friends when I felt like giving up: Keep your rules and routines in place (visable) and in practice. Seek out help/support when you doubt your decisions and try not to personalize your parenting with their disrespectful actions. Demand respect and spell it out for them in your terms and ask them what would they expect from you in return. Spend some alone time with each of them and do something you both enjoy to reconnect and minimize their domination of the disagreements. Imagine the adults and parents you hope they will become someday and remember that you may be their only good example. Children learn what they live.

I would think that if you are in a co-parenting relationship, your ex would be willing to work with you to ensure that the rules are roughly similar at both houses.

After all, you definitely don't want to allow them to play each of you off the other. That strikes me as something to be avoided.

Then again, I am just getting started with co-parenting and most of the discussions have been about what might happen in the future (She is moving out within the next month and we have agreed to 50/50 split)

Thank-you so much everyone! You have no idea how comforting it is knowing so many people are in similar situations. I am just sticking to my set of rules, no matter what, otherwise, I would have no self- respect, and it would just get worse for everyone. I have adopted the mantra- take one day at a time...