yeah, so i attempted before christmas. christmas was always really important to me, and she took the kids away and all that. i have been living in complete isolation etc...unable to afford to move back home where my job, family, and friends are. parents already passed, no support, all of that. tried dating to start a new life but distance and the very strong tempers of the ladies ( yelling and screaming ) made a new life impossible.

so i realized after looking at all the angles that i was just really tired of living. i had a great life and was so happy when i was married. and i will never get that back again. it will be 2 years coming valentine's day. i really and honestly have no reason to live, and am just so tired of waking into another day of being alone and trying to pass time. i have been trying to sell my house and get back home, but in the isolated area, it wont sell. but today, i also found out about a paycut coming, which means i wont be able to ever afford moving back to the city where my family and friends are.

so i attempted before christmas. i did alot of serious research to figure out how, chose the method, and the fall was all about getting the materials and the set-up done. i practiced several times, and took it all very seriously.  i also did a mountain of work and reading with myself on the spiritual, emotional, and psychological side of the choice. i was very comfotable with the decision. a few days before christmas, i made the attempt but something weird happened, who knows why...

i was left with some physical damage, but wasnt going anywhere or seeing someone, so i had a few days to recover and figure out what went wrong. i then had to get out of my house, it was too depressing to sit around on the month long vacation i have at christmas and be blue and alone 24/7.  so i took a happy two week trip to london, to clear my head and keep my mind busy on other things. i had a few dating leads when i came back, but they all then disappeared for one reason or another.

i got back into the work cycle now, but its all just the same pain/misery/isolation/loneliness cycle, with nothing to look forward to but constant alone time. trying on a few dating leads but they usually end up nowhere. i have met maybe 40 people in two years, and its all very complicated, partially by my distance, and they go nowhere. i am also not the type of person who like doing lonely single guy things like meetups, partially because of the distance again, 20$ just to get there and back each time, an hour each way in the car.

so i once again made the decision to attempt. my work period finishes in may, and i have an idiotic 3 month vacation every summer which was great when i had the kids with me to bring up, but is deathly now, knowing i will have to be alone every day for 3 months+. i might adjust my current method, or try a new one and find  its materials.

it would be nice if there was a simple peaceful pill, but there doesnt seem to be. i am young, not even 50 yet. but there is no way i can handle another thirty years+ of this. it's ridiculous. my parents died after several years of forced living by the doctors and medical community, one with chronic pain and horrible skin conditions, the other with alzheimers. society is horrible to keep people alive like this. me too. my cat and dog were blessed with a peaceful death before christmas as i was getting ready for my own, and i prepared everything for my will with the executor. it was a well thought out process, with much consideration. 

i became very peaceful with all this decision-making and planning. i am otherwise faced with an unlimited storm of tortuous isolation and sadness with the futility of life. so the decision came back again today, to attempt again this summer after the work term. this provides me with a great daily peace. i have agreed to continue to try to find love and a real estate solution somehow before then, but know that even then, i will find greater peace and happiness with god.

i appreciate that there are many people here online that will encourage me to stay alive and keep trying to make it better and stay alive. the impossible thing is that i had such a wonderful life when i was married with the kids, and it is all destroyed now. i will never get that back.  but i will sleep well again from now on, knowing there will be a limit to the pain and suffering.

god bless everyone out there who suffers. i know there are ways and means out there for you to solve your situations and make life better again. i just know that my opportunities are exhausted here though.