Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm very early on in this breakup, but there's no doubt we'll sail this course. Short version: My 17 year relationship just ended three weeks ago, when my husband, after sex with me, thought I'd fallen asleep on him and proceeded to text his emotional affair (he says) that she'll feel better when they masturbate together.
Ahem.
Any advice on emotional landmine avoidance? Here's what I've done so far:
I kept putting the emails we'd send into an email folder, but found out with the cellphone I can, of course, pull them up anywhere and obsess over every word choice until I can find a way to frame his narcissism as something that was really my fault. (Yeh, it's that bad.) So last night I took all those emails, put them in a file on my computer and deleted them from my email account. I'm keeping them as an antidote if I ever start feeling sorry for him. I can only obsess at home.
I took all the pictures of our times together and buried them deep in my computer files, so that I won't accidentally come across them.
Then Facebook offers me up a "memory" this morning that cut so sharp I actually gasped out loud from the blow. I've now adjusted my memory settings to be from the beginning of time to today.
Thoughts?
Ahem.
Any advice on emotional landmine avoidance? Here's what I've done so far:
I kept putting the emails we'd send into an email folder, but found out with the cellphone I can, of course, pull them up anywhere and obsess over every word choice until I can find a way to frame his narcissism as something that was really my fault. (Yeh, it's that bad.) So last night I took all those emails, put them in a file on my computer and deleted them from my email account. I'm keeping them as an antidote if I ever start feeling sorry for him. I can only obsess at home.
I took all the pictures of our times together and buried them deep in my computer files, so that I won't accidentally come across them.
Then Facebook offers me up a "memory" this morning that cut so sharp I actually gasped out loud from the blow. I've now adjusted my memory settings to be from the beginning of time to today.
Thoughts?
My ex still has on his timeline on FB when he
Met this woman. They flirted and he even has
Some references to having made a decision After
We were away on vacation.
I never saw them until after he left and he probaly
Does not know how to delete from his timeline. They
Are a great reminder to me what i was dealing with
though. My ex loved sexting texting much more
Intimate and private than Facebook.
I joined alanon, then divorce care, i have a great
Therapist. I have beat every bush i could find to
Help myself. Talk to loving supportive people as
Much as possible.
You need to dig into yourself you are the only one
That you can change, my marriage turned toxic so
I understand the narcissism bit. I still struggle with
My reality. I am detaching and have no contact those
Two things has made a huge shifts for me. Its only
Been 7 months and i am only 30 % detached. One
Day to a time.
(((((( hugs ))))))
I'm 17 months divorced from 14 year marriage/relationship myself.. I've deleted all the photos of him on my FB, I've deleted all our joint contacts, his family.. basically an ex cleanse.. just so I can still stay on FB (a great contact for my family - we're spread out all over) and yet.. my 'memories' always pop up.. as I'm scrolling and I see it coming into view.. I clench my teeth.. I've even selected the option to SHOW ME LESS of these memories.. I think that option is doing just the opposite!.. so yeah.. I hear what your saying..
the good news - as much as you DONT want those reminders.. those were happier times, and you still have many more happier times ahead of you :) my marriage also ended from him cheating.. and its hard to not take that as a personal blow to your self esteem and confidence.. but although our marriages are ending in a nightmare, all those years together weren't bad.. over time the sting dims.. and a new better life begins - take it a day at a time, and know this too shall pass! best of luck - you're not alone in this journey ((hugs))
I also agree when it comes to clearing all reminders and people that are friends w/him off FB.
You might even want to take a break and deactivate your account. If there are a few certain safe people you want to stay in touch with, that you know for sure won't end up putting up photos or comments that are connected to the ex, then open a new account w/a totally different name. And limit your friends.
I also agree that therapy will help immensely. So would joining a grief group (w/a qualified facilitator) and/or a divorce support group. There's another national group rebuilding.org based on Bruce Fisher's book, Rebuilding
Another thing you can do to counter the times you start feeling sorry for him is to write out everything he did that hurt you. Then, when you find yourself feeling sorry for his sorry a$$, you pull out your list to remind you of all the things he did to hurt you.
You can write him a "good bye" letter. Do NOT sent it!. Tell him everything you will and won't miss about him. Then burn it. Create a " good bye" ceremony around it - like a funeral. Do this as many times as you need/want to. Again do NOT send/give to him.
Finally, you were together for 17 yrs. It's going to take time to go thru the grief process. Remember that we all heal in our own time frame and grief isn't linear. It zig zags, goes in circles, side ways, up/down and repeats itself. Allow yourself to feel & honor your feelings. In order to heal feelings need to be expressed. That's why its critical to join a functional support group and/or see a therapist.
~healing hugs~
If there's no minor children, I would get the financial issues addressed immediately and cut him off 100%. I spent tooooo long convinced we were going to reconcile but it never happened...which now I'm thankful for. I don't want her anymore, I wouldn't care if she fell off an iceberg. That's where you will get if you do the correct mental work. You can come out of this a much stronger person. There is an end to the pain but you need to really cut him off.
I'm not crying because of you;
You are not worth it!
I'm crying because my delusion of who you were
was shattered by the truth of who you are.