Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hey everyone,
I'll try and keep this as short as possible.
I'm currently going through a separation involving the end of a 20 year, common law relationship.
I've been with my spouse for 20 years and we've lived together for 17. We have a beautiful 9 year old son who we both adore. I've been a stay at home dad for 8 of those years. Being a father to our son has been the best thing I've ever done and I'm sure the best thing I'll ever do.
The relationship between my spouse and I, on the other hand, has had its ups and downs and we've gone through periods where we're more roommates than husband and wife. There's bickering and stubbornness on both our parts. I've long thought about us going our separate ways, but stayed for a myriad of reasons, the most important being our son. In our more heated exchanges, she's wondered aloud if we'd both be happier apart.
I started an emotional affair last November and realized what it's like to be with someone I really want to be with. I won't bore you with the gory details, but after confessing in January, I went into a tailspin and found myself questioning everything. We attempted to reconcile (she's a wonderful person who was willing to forgive me, though I don't think we could have survived it) but, with some therapy, started viewing the affair as a symptom of the rot in our relationship and started looking at this as the nudge I needed to get out from under it. It took two anguishing months, a prescription of Lexapro and clonazepam and a trip to the psych ward before I was finally able to make a decision. My wife was and is devastated and I can't begin to tell you how guilty I feel about the way it unfolded. Also, the guilt that I'm "destroying a family" and "ruining lives" (her words) is all consuming at times.
When I first made my decision, I was relieved. I figured out how I would be able to move on financially (for a while) and found a nice apartment close to our (for now) family home. Our son, in the early stages, is taking it surprisingly well, though I know that most likely will change. We've agreed to co-parent to the best of our abilities. The past couple weeks, however, what were occasional pangs of guilt and fear, have turned into something all consuming. I am absolutely terrified. I am having doubts and second thoughts. I'm petrified I've made a horrible mistake, though deep down, I know this really is the best decision from the standpoint of our relationship. I fear this will get worse after I move out in less than two weeks. I fear this will engulf me. I fear I will wind up in the hospital, unable to care for my son, who means everything to me. I fear. I am terrified. I have very little support. My family's lack of sympathy (a simple inquiry into how I'm feeling would do wonders) is shocking and sad. I feel everyone who knows about this thinks I'm insane, though they don't really see the issues.
If I could, I'd like to respectfully decline any judgment. I get enough of that on a daily basis - from my wife and myself. I thought I'd post here in the hopes that maybe there are people out there who've been in a similar situation such as mine. I'm going to say I have more in common with stay at home moms. Maybe you had these same feelings. Maybe they go away after ramping up during the transition. From what my therapist has told me and from what I've read, this is normal, but it's really hard to believe that when the level of anguish is so deep. It's amplified by the fact I asked for this. Leaving this home, which I've taken care of and watched my son grow up in, is very, very difficult. It's my comfort and my stability. I feel like I've become unmoored, floating out to sea, heading towards the abyss and untold suffering.
It is telling though, how very little of my anguish has to do with missing my soon to be ex. I no doubt will. We've shared 20 years together, but that seems to be the easiest part of this, which confirms my decision.
Any comments or personal experiences or private messages would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
I've got to let these feelings come up and let them go, no way around it.
We're conditioned somehow to feel guilt when a relationship dies a natural death and it's time to move on in order to be healthy.
I don't care what Christian gets on this board and argues the point, sometimes it's time to go.
I spent too much time toward the end of my 23 year "marriage" trying to fix something that shouldn't have been fixed.
It couldn't be fixed. It was time to go.
You need to be emotionally, physically and spiritually healrhy.
You don't owe anyone an explanation and have every right to act in your own best interests.
Let go of the guilt.
If it's time to start a new chapter it just is.
I suppose you could explore with your therapist what garbage from your past or the way you were raised that's causing these miserable feelings to come up if you wish. But that still doesn't mean this relationship can or should be put back together.
Let go and move on. I struggle with resistance to change too, but honestly I just have to let it go and get some peace.
Ultimately, this is YOUR life that you need to think about, as well as your son's life too. To be a good father and a good person in general, you need to do what you feel is best. Staying in an unhappy relationship and unhappy environment isn't good for anyone. I understand people may not be caring towards you in your family, and they may also be adding to the guilt and shame that you feel. But honestly, you need to do what you feel is best. There will absolutely be times of feeling regret, worrying that you've made the wrong choice. I think that's a given seeing that you and your partner have been together 20 years. That wouldn't be easy to just give up...but give yourself a break. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and go through with the inevitable. Sometimes you have to focus on the bigger picture, in what good will come out of the pain you (and your partner) will feel now. You may both, after dealing with and working through the pain of splitting, come out of this feeling happier and be able to find partners that better suit you both.
Sometimes people grow apart, sometimes it takes a long time to realize that something isn't working out, or that two people really aren't compatible.
Do what you know is right, even if it is going to hurt, even if you feel regret and shame. Life is too short, do what you need to do. And, come here for support, anytime you need it. If you can't find support anywhere else, you can find it here.
Live it how you want.
Don't tell this man how to live his.
No one has to fit into anyone's cookie cutter mold.
I can be secure knowing two people love me who don't have a bogus piece of paper saying they "love" each other.
Maybe your daughter was just born a great student.
Awesome. I hope her future continues to be bright.
But please don't imply that others are going to somehow have children that can't excell in life because mommy and daddy didn't force themselves to be in love.
You've thought this through. You've been thinking about it for a long while. Just remember your spouse is being blindsided. As a stay at home Dad, I assume she brings in the income? She has the stress of being the sole provider in the home. Plus she's been hurt and betrayed by her spouse. Her calling you names and saying you are destroying the family is wrong but I think in the circumstances you can give her a little time to be angry and to grieve.
In the end she will appreciate you letting her go rather than cheating on her because you need something you are not getting from your marriage.
I can also understand you being scared. You've been a stay at home Dad for years. The alimony she will pay you will not be enough to support you and you will likely have to find a job. That is scary too after being out of the work force for years. Many stay at home Moms go through the same thing after their husbands leave them.
I don't condone cheating. I know how much that hurts. I might wish the ex had left before he cheated rather than me going through the cycle over and over again with his broken promises. I wish he had done what you did and left (preferably before any cheating).
You will be ok. Eventually she will be ok too. It might take years (if ever) for the hurt to go away but the two of you are better off being good co-parents rather bitter spouses fighting in front of the child.
I also believe that maybe it's your son your missing the most and not necessarily her . I can't imagine not having mine with me always as I have for 14 years. You can't stay with someone for your child because it's not fair for him or you . I am fresh in my divorce so I can't say it gets easier because I have the roll coaster of emotions from all these devastating event the occurred and still are . I think your gut feeling is the one to follow ..!
You being with your son everyday to having shared days is what is devastating you but being a good parent is recognizing that your happiness is going to effect them in the long run. Don't be with someone that doesn't make you happy life is to short you will find someone who makes you feel alive again one day but I think you need to focus on you and your child first everyone has an opinion and unfortunately you can't control that you can control how you react and to have/not have them In your life .
everyone here is basically here for the same reason and it's to support each other and some will and others do tough Luv on here. Trust me I've experienced it .