Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been watching this discussion group for 6 weeks now since my husband of 10 years left me suddenly. I have been taking in all the advice and practicing the things that members say helps heal and get you through the grief - even though most of it has been the opposite of what I wanted to do. I stopped letting him stay in the guest room when he randomly showed up with "nowhere else to go." I moved his stuff to a storage unit. I stopped giving him money. I stopped paying his bills. I stopped contacting him. All these things helped me gain a feeling of sanity. But now I am wondering what to do next.
I find that the consensus on this group is to basically pretend that the other person doesn't exist and move on with your life. This may be the right approach. I am just having a difficult time severing the commitment I made to my husband. This commitment makes me want to keep my heart open to him, and to continue to hope for reconciliation. However, from what I have been reading, this type of thinking prevents healing.
A little background on my situation: My husband has been suffering severe depression and anxiety the last 2 years. He is the product of childhood abuse that he has not worked on. (I naively thought that if I gave him unconditional love and support, he would be able to overcome.) To make matters worse, I am extremely successful in my career as an attorney, while he is about to turn 40 this summer with no real career to speak of. He was trying to go to school to become a teacher the last few years, and I was the sole provider. He tried two masters programs that didn't work out for him. The last time was the straw that broke the camel's back, and he fell into a deep depression. In the meantime, I began to resent carrying the load by myself, and was becoming more impatient and critical. In the midst of our crisis, an event happened that got him in touch with an old girlfriend - a woman from 12 years ago that he has described to me as "crazy" and disfunctional. He insisted that they were just friends, but over the course of 2 months, he drifted further from me and spent more time on the phone with her. The night of the big "blow out," I dropped by where he was after work, and she was there with him - behind my back. The situation escalated to a raging fight where he told me that I didn't trust him, I didn't respect him, I didn't love him, the marriage is over and there is nothing to save. Then he left.
Since then he has told me that it is not my fault. He just can't be the person that I want him to be, and that he doesn't want to "destroy my dreams." He said our life worked for him for many years, but it just isn't working for him anymore. He continues to refer to "people like you" and "people like me" as if there are two types of people, and we belong to different camps. He now surfs from couch to couch with no money and no job, binge drinking, and hanging out with his ex.
I feel that his self-destructive behavior is the result of a recent identity crisis, alcoholism, and depression. What he did to me was wrong, and it hurts worse than anything I have ever been through. I just can't find it in myself to ignore how much pain he is in right now. I take my marriage vows very serious, and I wish I could help him right now. I know that I can't if he won't let me, but it seems like a betrayal on my part if I suddenly decide that ALL I care about is "taking care of myself," moving on, and even dating other men.
Is it possible to move on after your spouse leaves you - while at the same time allowing yourself to continue to think in "wife mode"?
I find that the consensus on this group is to basically pretend that the other person doesn't exist and move on with your life. This may be the right approach. I am just having a difficult time severing the commitment I made to my husband. This commitment makes me want to keep my heart open to him, and to continue to hope for reconciliation. However, from what I have been reading, this type of thinking prevents healing.
A little background on my situation: My husband has been suffering severe depression and anxiety the last 2 years. He is the product of childhood abuse that he has not worked on. (I naively thought that if I gave him unconditional love and support, he would be able to overcome.) To make matters worse, I am extremely successful in my career as an attorney, while he is about to turn 40 this summer with no real career to speak of. He was trying to go to school to become a teacher the last few years, and I was the sole provider. He tried two masters programs that didn't work out for him. The last time was the straw that broke the camel's back, and he fell into a deep depression. In the meantime, I began to resent carrying the load by myself, and was becoming more impatient and critical. In the midst of our crisis, an event happened that got him in touch with an old girlfriend - a woman from 12 years ago that he has described to me as "crazy" and disfunctional. He insisted that they were just friends, but over the course of 2 months, he drifted further from me and spent more time on the phone with her. The night of the big "blow out," I dropped by where he was after work, and she was there with him - behind my back. The situation escalated to a raging fight where he told me that I didn't trust him, I didn't respect him, I didn't love him, the marriage is over and there is nothing to save. Then he left.
Since then he has told me that it is not my fault. He just can't be the person that I want him to be, and that he doesn't want to "destroy my dreams." He said our life worked for him for many years, but it just isn't working for him anymore. He continues to refer to "people like you" and "people like me" as if there are two types of people, and we belong to different camps. He now surfs from couch to couch with no money and no job, binge drinking, and hanging out with his ex.
I feel that his self-destructive behavior is the result of a recent identity crisis, alcoholism, and depression. What he did to me was wrong, and it hurts worse than anything I have ever been through. I just can't find it in myself to ignore how much pain he is in right now. I take my marriage vows very serious, and I wish I could help him right now. I know that I can't if he won't let me, but it seems like a betrayal on my part if I suddenly decide that ALL I care about is "taking care of myself," moving on, and even dating other men.
Is it possible to move on after your spouse leaves you - while at the same time allowing yourself to continue to think in "wife mode"?
Maybe you can find a place where you can still be there for him but lose that wife mode. Of course it depends on the two of you and your feelings for each other. I know what my stbx's motivation is and why he did what he did. He's not malicious or mean spirited. He's doing the best he can under the circumstances he's in. Nobody here can tell you what you should do. But I can tell you what you shouldn't do. Help him at the expense of your own wellbeing. You still need to put yourself and your needs first.
If he gets his life together and makes amends then you can renew your commitment if you choose.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine except my spouse had a job and was working to finish a degree. I have a terminal degree and made more money than he did. The stuff about the depression and other woman happened to me too. I think in my case that the mental health issues were compounded by midlife crises. That could be true in yours as well. That said, you cannot be a wife to someone who has so clearly rejected you.
I am glad to hear that you no longer allow him to use you and play upon your sympathies by continuing to pay his bills and providing him a place to fall back on.
I have to maintain a certian amount of contact with my stbx because of our child. Aside from that, I do care about him and I think he is on a road to self-destruction. I found myself calling periodically to check in. I also find that he sometimes would call me-- but not to check on me, he wanted to talk over something that his girlfriend would not 'get.' He was very empathetic on the anniversaries of my parents' deaths, otherwise he comes across as pretty cold-hearted. I am trying to limit my contact to child-related issues- and only urgent ones at that. If I did not have a child, I would 'cut the cord'. The bottom line is that you have to do what works for you. New2this2 said that she and her ex check in with each other- sounds like there is reciprocity there. In my case not so much. How about yours?
Regarding the depression, anxiety, binge-drinking- you cannot help him unless he recognizes that he has a problem and seeks help. Anything less sets you up for co-dependency and could enable him behavior.