Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've posted on here a few times before and am going through a separation with my wife. We have 2 kids ( 1 and 2 yrs). Details are in older posts. I made a lot of mistakes and admit and own up to them.
Recently I came home to find wifes bags and belongings back in the house. Long story short she got kicked out of where she was staying. We sat down and talked and she finally admitted to have been seeing her boss. She said she would never commit to moving forward with him so he told her he was the one paying her way to stay at her friends house and she couldn't stay there anymore.
He was building a house for her and him.....guy is filthy rich and I'm just a school teacher and coach. She says she couldn't be with him because she still wanted us to work out. I was very hurt by all of this and have had a little trouble digesting it. I haven't been mean towards her and have tried to respect her space. She wasn't ready to come back and said she wasn't ready for him to be done with her and now she feels not good enough for anyone. She is basically grieving the relationship from what I can tell.
I took my kids to my parents for thanksgiving which is 10 hrs away. My mother has cancer and I've felt like things were going in a good direction. But when I got home I learned cancer had grown and she decided to stop treatments and accept that she only had a few months left. She waited to tell me face to face. The whole trip my wife was highly insensitive to what I was going through And chose to attack me over not letting her know what time I left on the way back. Which i was spending meditating on my mother. She even threatened to be gone before i came home. She keeps saying she doesn't feel like I'm happy she's home and needs me to make her feel loved wanted, ECT. Gets mad we don't have money (I've started a side business) but its taking time. I just feel like I'm in an impossible situation. She refuses to try marriage counseling. Everything is her way or the highway and I'm dealing with losing my mother with her showing zero compsssion, kindness, or understanding. In never mean to her and am trying to be patient but the way she's treated me after finding out about my mom has made me extremely angry and resentful of her. Any advice or support as always is appreciated
The fact that she is refusing to go to counseling is a bad sign. The fact that she is expecting you to be “ happy” right now is a bad sign.
She doesn’t want to be with anyone, but she moved back home.
Yes, legally she has the right to move back, but not morally.
It is possible for you to work things out, but I don’t see it happening as long as she remains in the same space with you and takes zero steps to make it up to you.
I don’t know her and I don’t know you, but in my case, the best healing happened when I asked my husband to leave and let me be. His constant presence would not let me get over the hurt. I wanted a space that was just mine, without disruption. I controlled how much of him I could take.
We needed up getting divorced, because 6 months later, I didn’t feel any better than I did when I first learned of his infidelity.
The question we have to ask is - does our spouse REALLY have empathy?
There are people who have a one-time affair or a one night stand and in the end, go back to their spouse and never do it again.
There are people who will continue to do it for different reasons.
I guess you have to choose what would be the least damaging to you and your kids.
I decided that it would be least damaging to divorce my ex because I couldn’t bear the idea of having this happen again. His apologies were not good enough, because I tracked his thought process and analyzed where and how his cheating originated. He has a major psychological disorder from
Childhood abuse, as I learned, and it will never ever change, no matter what he says.
I hope you will figure this out and that the outcome will be a good one.
Also, be proud of who you are. No money in the world can buy good character. You are a role model for your students and you may not even know it, because they don’t verbalize it.
My daughter and my son both come home and tell me how much their teachers boosted up their confidence during such a confusing time of life. When kids grow older, they want for someone other than their parents to tell them they are good enough.
I actually owe most of my survival to my teachers, who were my family when my parents checked out.
I am so sorry your mother is dying. Spend your every moment with her. Take her out. Make videos for your children. Celebrate her life while she is here.
If you can, don’t waste a single second of this time on the wife.
Hugs
Your spouse is not in love with you. She got dumped by the person she was cheating with and now wants to come home and play house with you again. She won't be satisfied, no matter what you do because she doesn't want you, love you, or respect you. She lied right up to the point that telling the truth would play on your sympathies and get her another chance. I can guarantee you that she is lying about refusing to move forward with him because she still wanted to work things out. He might have figured out that she was self-centered narcissistic and he couldn't see himself dealing with that over the long haul or maybe she was actually stupid enough to cheat on him. Who really knows? What we do know is that she's a cheater and a liar and you can't trust anything she says.
Like Aronia pointed out, she does not seem to have the capacity for true empathy. This seriously something your children will learn from her, just like she learned it from whoever. Having someone like this living with them full time can be much more damaging than being raised by a single parent.
With the things you've reported, I believe she is just looking for a place to rest until her next little escapade. She'll get board and have another affair, over and over again until you say enough is enough. The thing is, each time she'll get better and better at hiding it from you. You may go months or years thinking everything is just fine.
Ask yourself how much stress one person can cope with before breaking. You mother is dying, you have two small children, a full time job, a start-up on the side and on top of it all a lying, cheating wife who refuses to go to counseling manipulating you and trying to make you feel guilty. Once she breaks you down, who is going to look out for your daughters? You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Ask her to find another place to be before she had you believing her BS or gets the bright idea to use the kids against you.
It sounds like you love your mother and have a good relationship, my mother died on the 5th of December 2015 at 2117 hours…I helped to clean her up…taking out the tubes etc. I’m closing out her estate over the next few days, hopefully before the 5th, but I doubt it. I love my mother, it sounds as if you do too…cherish these moments, she cannot wait, and your wife can.
It’s hard to fathom, but your wife’s world is also in chaos, she wants to settle things and can’t see beyond her own pain, which in turn manifests in the manner you have described. In short, put your foot down and demand her support, your reconciliation is, believe it or not, off to a good start. You sound like you’re open to it and she has made her intention clear, she wants to get back together. Unfortunately, your marital trouble takes a backseat to your mother.
A last word or two: marriage is a partnership, if counseling is what it takes to get your marriage back on track then she needs to suck it up and do it. A team working together…my wife didn’t want to go either because she was afraid to fully face her mistakes and take responsibility for them. For me, putting my foot metaphorically down was all it took. Therapy may not be the key, but it may be the road toward your solution and your happiness. I will pray for your success…hey, do you all belong to a church, maybe go to your pastor first, see what she thinks! May God bless you, your wife and family, and your mom! I am sorry anyone has to go through this, it still hurts, I’m crying as I write this…take care of yourself and your family.