Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I really need advice. My boyfriend of over 5 years has been very depressed. Pretty much through the whole relationship and probably before me. It has just been getting worse. His health isn't well. He has been having bad stomach issues for a few years now and is in almost constant pain and its getting worse. His drinking has been increasing to where he drinks everyday. He decreased his days at work to only two a day because he said it was too stressful. He is irritable all the time. Never wants to go do anything except sit in his room smoking a drinking or going to the bars with his friends. He has been saying he wants to just leave the state to get away from everyone and at first I thought it was him just saying it due to being stressed. Tonight he basically told me he is going to move away. He's tired of everyone and everything and wants to get away from the bullshit. This means he is moving away from me too and he said Im part of the problem. He said he wants NO responsibilty and nothing to hold him from doing whatever he wants to do. I asked him if this was just his way of breaking up with me because he doesn't love me anymore and he said it wasn't that. He said he will always love me and that Im his soul mate but he isn't happy. So the man that I have stood by for so long through all of his depression throughout the years, been through him cheating, his alcohol problems and all the craziness his life has been is now leaving me. We aren't broken up yet but he said he will be leaving soon. He saved up a little money and wants to just leave.
Has anyone here dealt with a breakup due to their partner's depression? Im having a really hard time understanding this because from where I sit, his life doesn't seem that horrible to me. I feel he is the reason it is the way it is. He hates living with his sister but he put himself there. He hates his job, most people do. His body hurt but he is causing a lot of issues by not taking care of himself. I do feel he is in a horrible depression and he is walking away from not only me but his friends here and his family. Is there anything i can do to make his see what he is doing, what he is giving up? Is a change a good thing if you are depressed? I feel he carries his issues with him and no matter where he goes, there is going to be bullshit to deal with. He blames everyone around him for some reason.
I am so heartbroken. I have been through three breakups with him before which I had to walk away from him because he was affecting me. I don't know how I am going to move forward after this. I have very bad adbandonment issues and I feel him leaving is going to put me over the edge. I have never put so much sweat, and tears into anyone in my whole life and he is still leaving anyway. I don't know what to do. I want to help him but don't know how. I think the only option I have is to let him leave. I am so hurt!
Sorry to hear all that you are going through.
I was in a similar situation with my ex-partner and something that helped her was talking about facts and not only feelings and emotions.
Here I found an article that explains things very clearly:
https://shanahanfamilylaw.com.au/divorce-explained-for-de-facto-partners/
I hope it helps you in some way.
Get away from them and work on yourself either through therapy, which I am not a fan of, or through setting goals for yourself. The goals can be simple from talking to friends, buy new clothes, fixing or cleaning your home, to putting yourself in new situations with the opportunity to be social.
As time goes on you may find your situation has improved without the weight of your old relationship. You have accomplished more, reconnected with old friends, met new people, and have time to do what you want to do.
It’s a process and not a quick fix.
I relate this for you, so that you may see the unspoken words that maybe he cannot bring himself to define.
My separation from my spouse is temporary, perhaps. Its fresh and its awful. But we are both in our mid 30's, have children and have a grasp on what mental health really is. I am an SSW and in school for Psychology along with far too much (in my opinion) experience with mental health issues. My spouse has gone through hell and back in his life and would make a great movie for all the hardships and abuse suffered. But unlike most, he is now ready to talk about it.
He left because he says he doesn't want to destroy yet another perfect relationship because he is too messed up and on auto-destruct.
He is currently seeing a psychologist and actively working to resolve the underlying issues that causes him to destroy what is good in his life. And yes, this is a real thing. Catastrophizing.
While i'm not saying that this is the case in your boyfriends life, it is something to think about.
Additionally, what about you? I know you might want to save him and think that all the support in the world might change him, but unless he is really and willing to get better, there is nothing that you can do to help.
We all carry baggage, and it's good that you are recognizing that you have some concerns with abandonment. Maybe it's time that you get healthy too? We all have a tendency to repeat cycles and if you are always afraid of being abandoned, then it is very possible that you may be stuck in this cycle.
The only thing we can truly control is ourselves. And if he wants to leave, it may be the right thing. He is not well, and unless he chooses to get well, he will not be changing any patterns, and this is not a healthy way to live in a relationship, for either of you.
If you can, consider letting him go without a fight, as much as it goes against the voice screaming in your head. If you need support, you have this, but it may be a good idea to seek therapy as well. There is never any shame in that. Ever.
best of luck. you got this.