Greetings, I am new here.   This will likely be a long post, so thank you in advance for your patience, but literally, there is no where to turn to.   By the Grace of God, I found this site.  Whew!   Where to begin?

Well, first of all, I love the intro to this group "if you are going through a break up OR a divorce. . ."  well, how about both at the same time?!  My husband of 21 years has been constantly verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, and sexually abusive pretty much through out our marriage.  This is the second time I have filed for divorce and this time it will kill me if I have to go back to him.  Not only did the abuse take place and I can pretty much put up with that, but about 15 years ago, he became Atheist/Agnostic and we were devout Christians when we married.  That I can't deal with.  Long story short, I met a nice guy while we were separated the first time, and it was a good relationship; we never really consummated because he is Jewish and it was not a good idea for him.  Eventually after about 2 years LDR, we broke up and it took me years to get over that relationship, because he wasn't abusive, but I found out he was hooked on creepy porn anyway, so it was easier to get over him. 

Fast forward to last year.  I did in fact, meet the love of my life.   Tim.  We prayed together, cooked together, had his kids from a previous marriage and decided we were going to be a family, get married, have a Christian home and just live our lives.  Simple.  My divorce was filed, we lived 2.5 hours apart, I got sick.  So, Tim begins to get impatient.  'when is your divorce final?!'  "I need to see you. . ."  So, long story short, for a while there, I was also battling alcholism, because I would come back here to my house, still living with my husband, and I don't blame Tim for just having enough.  In April, I had 2 major seizures, 1st time and was in the hospital for about a week.  Tim couldn't deal with it, my meds made me goofy, he said he would call me back and never did.   He broke up with me while I was in the hospital, but was too out of it to realize.  5 weeks later I called him just to clarify -- he said "Is your divorce final yet?!"   Me "well, no....you know it takes time. . . "  Tim:  "SCOFF! - Look, I am really sorry, but this all just became too bizarre for me, I just had to walk away . .  I wish you the best of luck and will continue to pray for you. . "  I told him the same and didn't try to reel him in or anything because he simply didn't want to hear it.

So, it's been 2 months now, and I am getting worse.   The only thing appealing to me now is simply dying because the stress of being on my own (I am on disabilty, so I can barely support myself, let alone get car insurance, a place to live, etc.) I literally would rather die than stay with my husband.   I don't hate him or anything, but I feel like since I have never been loved anyway, not by my parents, family, husbands, boyfriends, etc.  I have been abadoned by all and I am beating my head against the wall trying to figure out what I do or have done to become such a LOSER in life. 

This isn't just about pity, but seriously:  how come some people just float through life with love, lasting marriages, they avoid abuse, they don't have drama, etc.?  But, my drama was too much for Tim and though I read ads for dating, I know I am no where near ready for that, and I kind of like this celibacy thing because it brings me closer to God in that I am not just giving away my body anymore.  To think that I am forgotten, once again, it's so easy for men to move on and never think of me again, never think of the good an bad times we had to remotely want to try, I don't understand.  Tim and I -- our problems were fixable.  1.  My divorce would have been final in 4 more months 2. the Distance, I would have moved closer to him  3.  My health is no longer a threat  4.  I haven't drank for almost a year.   So, how can a guy go from bringing home jewelry store ads looking for my wedding ring to 'wishing me well'?   I am 51 years old and starting my life over again for the gazillionth time and I should be good at this, but I just want to crawl in my rabbit hole and disappear in shame that I still have never been loved.   

While I wait for death, the only thing to do is work on myself, since no one else is going to do that, but there is a selfishness in that, but I would advise it to anyone else in my shoes.   Does anyone ever think about if the one we are pining for came back, would we jump in their arms and trust them 100% again?  My trust issues are deepened, and the ongoing threat of abandonment leads me to where recovery is almost out of the question.  All I know is I am losing my mind, either trying to explain this to my heart or make sense of it and convince myself that someone else is out there for me.   That's what people say is that there is someone better.  Oh, yeah, right......