Hey all,

I am very new to this forum, just signed up today actually.  I am just wanting to Post looking for help/guidance as I am lost at the moment. 

Here is the History of my wife and I.  We have known each other since I was 17 and she was 14.  We started Dating, for a week, but I knew I was in love with her back then.  I went on a ski trip with some friends, then was dumped when I got home, she had gotten in a car wreck with another guy, who then come to find out was the dad of my oldest daughter today.  We parted ways, but I was around when the lil one was 6 months old and have been ever since (now 21).  We stayed friends for along time, but did not start Dating again, until one day when she left a note at my townhouse, I was 22.  I then called her and we talked for hours, we then started meeting up again and having a great time together as nothing in our past had ever mattered or happened.  We then became serious and dated for 5 years before I proposed to her.  We then have been together since.  Her mother passed away from Cancer in 2007, and lived with us until she passed in our old house.  Since then she has been quite different and this time of year between about October/Jan 4th (day her mother went to heaven) she usually goes pretty batshit crazy and emotional.  

So I just marked this all up to that, as we have talked about if either of us ever felt the need to cheat, we would talk about it first. I told her back in March, on my 41st birthday I had a huge feeling inside about cheating. I did not have any person in mind at the time, and that was the honest truth, just an odd gut feeling. I knew I would never act on it, but you never know. We then started working hard for us and she started working out and getting more in shape.  She always was so hot to me, but she was not happy with herself.  She started dropping weight the healthy way, working out and watching calorie intake.  Then she kept going and going and is now down about 52lbs and looks sick.  This was the stress that was eating her alive inside.

I did have a way younger girl one night kiss me at a bar, after I had way to much to drink, and had not gotten an uber yet.  It was a one time thing, and I never saw her again.  I told my wife about it after it happened.  This was during the time she was having and affair on me in October.  I came clean as I felt guilty about a woman kissing me, yet she did not come clean at the same time. I never had any contact with that woman again, nor would I ever. 

We have been together now for 21 years but known each other for at leats 25 years.  So this is why I am so confused in what to do.  I want to make it work, and am willing to try just about anything.  I just need the best advice with what to do.

I found out on December 28th, by accident, that my wife was having and affair with my best friend in the neighborhood.  I had a feeling, but was not sure.  I actually confronted both of them multiple times in the last month and a half and both lied right to my face.

They were talking on Facebook Messenger so all numbers on the phone bill are non existent, as I have gone throug this many times.  I have a deep feeling that it may be, but always gave her the benefit of the doubt. This is not my wife, she has very high morals as I do.  Thus, I never thought she would ever be the type person to do this.  

She is horribly upset and has lost more weight since this started due to stress, and has been taking Xanex for anxiety since at least Thanksgiving.  We had been fighting alot during the time of the affair, as she said she was trying to make me hate her as much as she hated herself, inside, so I would just leave.  I know it has totally torn her up, but I am also the nicest guy in the world, most of the time.  I have probably tried to hard in the last few months for her to see me and get her attention without knowing anything was going on.  I literally have gone through 3 months of hell before finding out about the actual affair, and could never figure out what was wrong. So my heart had already started building up walls, due to the 3 months prior to finding out proof of the affair.  She also did tell me from her mouth, I asked for the details I wanted, and she gave them to me.  I told her I do not want to know anything else, she says it is over and deleted her Facebook account.  She is so scared/embarrassed to even drive through the neighborhood she now takes a totally different route, as his GF called Every neighbor around us and let them know, including calling my oldes child before she even knew.  So I am very unhappy how it got aired out, including on Facebook.

The night I found out, Friday Dec 28, 2017, I did not allow her to stay at the house.  She stayed at the neighbors across the street, a woman, who did not know what was going on until that night when I learned of it.  She came back Saturday morning, to get some stuff and then go somewhere, well I had though and prayed alot about, so I was outside in the Back with the dog.  She knocked on the door, I let her in, and asked if we could talk.  We did and I am willing to try, as long as she is. 

We left the area for the day, set up the youngest kid with the oldest one (21) and went to a hotel away from everybody.  We actually talked/cried and even had a great day together, which we can always do.  I guess even in turmoil.  We then worked very hard during the coming week, then it started to hit me more and more.  I had a blow up and got really mad, did not touch her, but did say some things I regret on Tuesday.  I then had another melt down after a great night out just the two of us to dinner on that Friday night, i just wanted to cuddle with her and hold her.  She just wanted to go to bed in one of the kids rooms, not here at the time.

So now I am at a loss as to what to do? I really have been praying alot, and trying to control my anger or figure out how to get rid of it, or push it away to something else.  I am trying to exercise more to reduce stress.  I have also been leaving the house and driving for hours on end to clear my head.  

Also I have not yet told any of my friends or Family but 1 friend.  So I have 3 people that Know, that I talk to about it.  I have not let my mother know, as my father is no longer with us.  Her father/step mom do know about it and she has been talkin to them.  He has cheated on every wife he has, including the one he currently has now, just now he is to old to cheat anymore.

Does any one have any advice Please! Find counseling for myself? Are there any local groups you can go to as a gruop session? Etc... Just so knew to this and not knowing where to go.

Thanks for any and ALL input! Good luck to everyone on here, I hate to meet any of you in this way as I would never wish this pain on anyone.