brittany8, I am sorry for your pain. I partially know how you feel. While my Ex does not have cancer, and I can't imagine the emotional complexity for you dealing with that, she did want to continue a friendship for over a year. That meant that on my visitation day, she would bring my son over and I would make dinner for all of us, then we would watch Dr. Who together. It felt like we were still a family, and it felt good, but then left me feeling empty and sad when she left.

This continued for a year and then culminated in reconnecting sexually, following which she decided to start dating her new guy that week. She still thought she would be coming for dinner to my place. I stopped that, and have forced myself to go NC over the past few weeks. Every time I saw her, it would only end in more pain and set me back.

So, I understand you wanting to be there for your Ex in his difficult time, but I also understand the toll it will take on you. Remind yourself that what you are feeling is nostalgia and grieving the loss of what was. made fresh anew by the "family" feelings. I admire you being there for him in his time of need, but remember that he is not that person anymore that you are missing.

(((Prayers and Hugs)))

Lost... you are right. I am missing my past life. And trust me I get it. He has terminal cancer, and I guess there is a part of me that wants to spend some time with him, because there might not be much left. And everytime I go home, and do feel empty. I don't get to close, but when I am around him I see signs that my husband is still in there.

Thank you for the kind words.....

I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like a person with a very loving heart. After reading your post I wasn't sure if you were divorced or separated? I think it is really nice of you to help him through a difficult time. I also think its important that you take time for yourself. If you are divorced, and the friendship is causing you pain I would really consider taking some time apart to heal.

Maybe it would also help to set some boundaries and consider how much of yourself you are willing to give without being in a committed relationship. It sounds like you deserve a loving committed marriage. If the friendship is holding you back from finding that with someone else maybe the relationship is not healthy.

I will be praying for you,
kdgsupermom

Supermom..... we were in the process, but never was finalized. He says he won't divorce me now, because he wants me and the kids to be taken care of. We do not live together, and he is getting sicker every day. I am there as a friend, but there are times where I have to set boundaries because I would grow closer if I didn't. I feel like he robbed me of years, and sometimes I get angry, but lately I have just been real down.

Oh okay, it sounds like you two still have some love for each other. I think its sweet he wants you and the kids taken care of. I can also understand the anger and frustration with the whole situation. I pray that God can mend the broken heart and relationship.

That's very commendable of you Brittany8. I can't even imagine what that would be like. You have a very good heart and its admirable for him to want to take care of you after he's gone. I don't know your whole story but it sounds like the two of you still love each other.

I wish I had advice for you because this has to be a lot to process. There is no other way around the pain then to go through it so if you're feeling bad, just honor that and know that the pain is finite.

You are probably being too hard on yourself so give yourself a break and hang in there.

Sending support your way.

lemaym1.wordpress.com/

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I know there is love there on both sides, different love, but it's there on some level. He says he is sorry for what happened to us, but he and I know that it would be hard to get back together. Could I ever trust him? And he doesn't want to chance the fact that I could throw it in his face at some point.Not that I would, but that's what he thinks. So we are left with a extremely close friendship, that is really not enough for both of us, but completely letting doesn't seem to work either. And as his "wife", I want to help him through this awful disease, and yet I feel I am being robbed of the precious time I might have. Ive realized that going through the pain, is the only way to learn from this and move on. There has to be a reason it never was finalized. Maby it was so that I could forgive him, and we could become friends. IDK..... just trying to take it 1 day at a time!

Hey brittany8 sorry I went on vacation I am just now reading your replies. Yes I think you could grow and learn to trust him again. If you two can pull it together and make it through this sickness than there is still hope. It hasn't ended yet because God still believes in your marriage. It can be mended.

Whenever I feel there is hope,is when I get kicked again, and I am protecting myself I guess. I guess I will never really get over this, just learning to deal with it is all I can do.

Can you forgive him for what he has done? Will he change and be the man you want / need? Do you love him? With regards to the cancer what is the outcome, is this curable and then life after for him / you?

What do you want? I read the other day that falling is love is never a choice, but staying in love is. Can you make that choice? Are you okay and if not, what do you want?

I just saw some of the answers to my questions. Sadly all the advice in the world seldom gets us to the place where we want to go.

I love my wife, being separated from her hurts. For my part in her pain, I am sorry. I have had a lot of advice, lots of it solicited and some that well it happens.

If your husband is terminal, then a lot of your decisions have been taken away. It sounds like your story, his and yours is ending. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. You are there as a friend, if this is what you can manage then you are one strong woman, one great mom, and a real friend. You have such a heart, I am in awe of you.

Whatever choice you now make you will make for the best. Make it with love which to me is your nature. Breath, cry and please remember you will be okay, so will your kids.

Thank you for the helpful posts. His cancer is terminal..... so i know he does not have much time left. I still love him, always will. Im trying to help my kids through the process. I have become his shoulder to lean on. Dont know if thats good or bad for me. But even though our divorce was never finalized, I am still his wife and feel stuck. He is always leaning on me, and i know i just cant walk away. Its very hard on me right now....

Thank you Constant..... I will def check it out. Thank you for the prayers