Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm surprised Daily Strength doesn't have a "Moving" support group! Moving to a new house or apartment is difficult. In any case, my moving question has a tie-in to Breakups.
My relationship of nearly four years recently ended, and I moved out of my partner's house, which he owns. As a temporary solution, I've crashed with a friend who has a small spare bedroom. I'm paying affordable rent to my friend, and I commute to work by driving one hour each way. Her house is way out in the suburbs, and my office is closer to the city.
Although I'm grateful for my friend's hospitality, this is not a long-term solution. I need to be closer to the city for the cultural and intellectual exposure on evenings and weekends, for increased career and grad school opportunities, for meeting new friends and colleagues, and for less reliance on driving. (My thoughts about driving are complex; please take my word for it that I would rather bicycle or ride the train.)
Because I know my current living situation is temporary, I haven't bothered to unpack properly. There isn't any space for me to unpack, anyway. Most of my possessions are in storage in a giant pile in my parents' place a hundred miles away and I haven't seen that stuff in the two months that have passed since I sent it there. I'm living out of a small number of boxes in my friend's house. The psychological effect of seeing all my stuff in boxes is disconcerting.
The compromises involved in choosing a place to live are intimidating!
- Pay a lot of money and be more dependent on office job, or pay less money and have a place that doesn't meet all my desires?
- The availability of public transit varies widely. How close do I need to be to trains and buses?
- My office isn't accessible by public transit. I can sometimes bike there, but I need a car. That means that my city apartment needs a parking space. The apartment should also provide a reasonable way to store my bike.
- Should I buy or rent? Throwing money away on rent seems like a waste, but I'd like to preserve my mobility.
- Should I have roommates?
- What neighborhoods are the nicest for walking and biking, and what neighborhoods have access to natural areas like parks?
Furthermore, when I envision my "home" in the city, I think of a large living room on the ground level to which people would feel comfortable walking, so I could host large groups for community-building dinners, discussions, book clubs, get-togethers, and so forth.
I realize that no place is perfect. I realize I'm privileged to have the resources to be able to make choices about where I want to live. I only have to do the hard "inner work" of sitting down and deciding.
That's where the weird emotional stuff comes into play. For the last couple months, when I look at apartment listings or discuss housing with other people, I feel unusually emotionally flat. This is related to the end of my relationship. I was expecting to continue living in a house with my partner. It's hard for me to suddenly want a different kind of housing and to come up with strong opinions about it. But if I don't manage to develop an opinion about my housing situation, I won't be able to make a smart decision. I've been dragging my feet, but waiting isn't helping--I've got a really long car commute just to come home to my stuff in boxes in a town with no cell phone tower, rather than feeling as though I "have a life" in the city where there's my own brand of intellectual, ethnic, political (etc.) activities.
Maybe part of it is that I haven't quite lived in the heart of the city before, so I'm having trouble envisioning how marvelous it would be. Maybe if I knew it would be great, and if I knew exactly what I'd do there, I'd be there already. But a large part of my delay is that I'm emotionally flat because of the breakup of my relationship. I feel guilty about moving out and moving on. Somehow, renting my own place seems as though it would drive a nail in a coffin of the relationship, in a way that crashing with my friend does not. This is not really a rational fear, as the ex-relationship is already no-contact, so that coffin is pretty well nailed shut anyway, regardless of where I live and how long my lease is.
I'm so blocked in this area, I can't even articulate my question. If I knew how the phrase the question about when and where I should move, I could probably answer it for myself. Has anyone else gotten stuck like this?
My relationship of nearly four years recently ended, and I moved out of my partner's house, which he owns. As a temporary solution, I've crashed with a friend who has a small spare bedroom. I'm paying affordable rent to my friend, and I commute to work by driving one hour each way. Her house is way out in the suburbs, and my office is closer to the city.
Although I'm grateful for my friend's hospitality, this is not a long-term solution. I need to be closer to the city for the cultural and intellectual exposure on evenings and weekends, for increased career and grad school opportunities, for meeting new friends and colleagues, and for less reliance on driving. (My thoughts about driving are complex; please take my word for it that I would rather bicycle or ride the train.)
Because I know my current living situation is temporary, I haven't bothered to unpack properly. There isn't any space for me to unpack, anyway. Most of my possessions are in storage in a giant pile in my parents' place a hundred miles away and I haven't seen that stuff in the two months that have passed since I sent it there. I'm living out of a small number of boxes in my friend's house. The psychological effect of seeing all my stuff in boxes is disconcerting.
The compromises involved in choosing a place to live are intimidating!
- Pay a lot of money and be more dependent on office job, or pay less money and have a place that doesn't meet all my desires?
- The availability of public transit varies widely. How close do I need to be to trains and buses?
- My office isn't accessible by public transit. I can sometimes bike there, but I need a car. That means that my city apartment needs a parking space. The apartment should also provide a reasonable way to store my bike.
- Should I buy or rent? Throwing money away on rent seems like a waste, but I'd like to preserve my mobility.
- Should I have roommates?
- What neighborhoods are the nicest for walking and biking, and what neighborhoods have access to natural areas like parks?
Furthermore, when I envision my "home" in the city, I think of a large living room on the ground level to which people would feel comfortable walking, so I could host large groups for community-building dinners, discussions, book clubs, get-togethers, and so forth.
I realize that no place is perfect. I realize I'm privileged to have the resources to be able to make choices about where I want to live. I only have to do the hard "inner work" of sitting down and deciding.
That's where the weird emotional stuff comes into play. For the last couple months, when I look at apartment listings or discuss housing with other people, I feel unusually emotionally flat. This is related to the end of my relationship. I was expecting to continue living in a house with my partner. It's hard for me to suddenly want a different kind of housing and to come up with strong opinions about it. But if I don't manage to develop an opinion about my housing situation, I won't be able to make a smart decision. I've been dragging my feet, but waiting isn't helping--I've got a really long car commute just to come home to my stuff in boxes in a town with no cell phone tower, rather than feeling as though I "have a life" in the city where there's my own brand of intellectual, ethnic, political (etc.) activities.
Maybe part of it is that I haven't quite lived in the heart of the city before, so I'm having trouble envisioning how marvelous it would be. Maybe if I knew it would be great, and if I knew exactly what I'd do there, I'd be there already. But a large part of my delay is that I'm emotionally flat because of the breakup of my relationship. I feel guilty about moving out and moving on. Somehow, renting my own place seems as though it would drive a nail in a coffin of the relationship, in a way that crashing with my friend does not. This is not really a rational fear, as the ex-relationship is already no-contact, so that coffin is pretty well nailed shut anyway, regardless of where I live and how long my lease is.
I'm so blocked in this area, I can't even articulate my question. If I knew how the phrase the question about when and where I should move, I could probably answer it for myself. Has anyone else gotten stuck like this?
The relationship is over technically, but you still haven't moved on emotionally or in your mind. You staying with your friend gives you a feeling that you are in some sense waiting for the other nail to be put in the coffin cus you haven't nailed it in yourself. On the flip side, you staying at your friends is somehow stunting you emotionally and socially. You want to make friends, have a nice place to have those friends over and want to be in the city so to make that all happen, but you are keeping yourself in "limbo" because you are not really ready to let go of the relationship.
What to do?
You need to come with terms in your mind that it is over if it is. You continue to say that the coffin is all but nailed shut, which means, there is still a chance for you two to get back together? if there is, you need to speak with your partner for some clarification and either shit or get off the pot, so to say. You will not be able to have what your mind wants until you resolve that part or just continue to walk forward, get that apartment in the city and start to live out what you are dreaming about with or without your partner.
You are the only one holding yourself hostage so Gem is probably right. Just make the move, get the apt you are looking for, feel better about your living situation, your commute and the fact you can unpack all your stuff and live normally and the rest will take care of itself.
Welcome to the group.
It's really not likely that my partner and I will get back together. Neither of us "did anything bad" to the other, in the traditional sense of cheating or lying. We are just not the right people for each other. He told me at the beginning of our relationship that he was very sexually attracted to me, but this changed about a year or two into the relationship, and he refused to be sexual with me anymore, without telling me why, until the very end, when I demanded to know. The answer is that he wants to be with someone with a different body type; he doesn't feel comfortable being sexual with my body anymore. So, that was part of it, and that's irreconcilable. He can't change how he feels, and I don't expect him to try. Also, we differ greatly in our social styles, energy levels, hobbies, values, attitudes toward work, and values. We stopped eating meals together. We never even watched TV together. There are things about each other's inner workings that we never quite managed to touch after three years. So it's not that we can't get back together, but that we really don't want to. We really care for and respect each other, but we also were driving each other nuts and were growing in resentment. It was just hard to admit it and throw in the towel after we each expended so much effort on trying to make the relationship work.
It is time for me to enjoy my fabulous new life as a strong single person! (And no dating for a LONG while!) Thank you.
I was in an area one time that was great and the places looked fantastic, but when the kids in middle and high school were let out, it got so bad, the police were parking in driveways because the kids were doing so much damage.
In renting, you can decide if you like the area over that year. Renting gives you the freedom of moving to another place and you're not stuck if your job changes.