It's tough to know your hurting your daughter but I think your doing the right thing. Your avoiding a situation that could be quite toxic to everyone.

I like your alternative and think thats a good way to handle it. Your daughter may be holding out hope that you two could get back together. Tough to say. That mey be a talk you need to have with her.

I wouldn't go either.

Bernie, thanks. Yeah its tough on her. Last night at dinner she asked if I would move closer, so she could ride her bike between homes. Right now I'm like 3 or 4 miles away. But I'm going to do that. She knows both parents will be happier apart, but she misses being able to play with us both at the same time.

Mielan, what, you don't like pop singers? just teasing.

steve - she needs to become cognizant of the fact that you will not be getting back together, tough as that may be. You are doing the right thing, pick something special to do with her later alone.

i wouldnt go

How long have you been separated/divorced from your ex? I think you should really have a heart to heart with your daughter and see what her motivation is. If she is holding out hope that you will get back together, then that needs to be addressed. If it is that she wants to share something she really loves with her parents, then you should consider if you can make it work. Maybe your ex and daughter can drive down and you can fly and meet them for the concert - some kind of compromise like that. After all, there is nothing written that you have to drive down together. However, I am sure there are other occasions when you have to be at the same event for your children. Maybe see if you can treat it like that. Good luck. Our children always makes it more difficult and complicated (in break-ups) but thank God we have them.

The stbx and I have been living together in separate rooms as roomates for the last 10 years, as well both wanted to be near the kids as much as possible. I moved out for a while 3 years ago under 2 conditions 1-that she let the kids be with me as much as they wanted, and 2-that she look for and get a job, to help the finance thing work. After a month or two she would not let me see my daughter, I was furious over this. My daughter and I are very close, we think about things similarly, have similar emotional make ups, and the stbx grates on her and makes unreasonable demands on her, all the time. And she never even looked for a job. So after 6 months I moved back, even though I hated having to.

My daughter knows what is going on. She told me that she figured it out when she was 7. She told me about the day she figured it out, what had happened, and how her older brother helped her understand.

But you are right, deep down she would like us all to be one big happy family. But she knows there is no hope of that, yet I know she does hold out hope.

What I hold onto, and what my regret is, that I have not been able to raise my children in a home where they learned about parents loving each other. We have not set a proper example. In making this change, effecting this divorce, I believe in my heart that I still have time to teach them this lesson, that there still is love for me out there, and that I can complete my resume as dad.

Sounds like you have a great resume as dad. I understand wanting to set a good example for your daughter. My greatest fear is my daughter ending up with a relationship like her parents. He moved back in and we are trying counseling. Don't know if it will work, only know that we can't keep living like that. Best of luck to you.
Oh, and I hope I made it clear that I completely get that you didn't want to spend hours in a car with your ex. At the same time, I know how hard it is to find the right balance with kids.

I think that you should go for your daughter. So you have a few hours in a car with your wife. How is that different than a few hours in the home that you live in together? What could possibly happen? Sit down ahead of time and discuss what you need to happen in order for it to be enjoyable and ask her what she needs. Then come to a compromise that both of you can work with.

What have you and your wife been doing to try and erraticate the stress in your home? Are you in counseling? What about the kids. Do you participate in other "family" activities together? What is dinner, church etc. (normal family activities) like? How are normal family "roles" dealt with? Do you work together to discipline and raise the children? Are you civil to one another? Is there respect? Do you talk?

Sock, I must not have explained clearly, I am no longer living in the house, I've moved out. I rent a bedroom in a couples house a few miles from the house. I am trying to arrange so the ex can keep the house for the kids, as long as I can afford an apartment or something that they can spend the night and do homework in.

For me, being near her, its impossible. Believe it or not, I am easy to get along with, I am relaxed most of the time and try and stay upbeat and positive. What happens is that she will say things entirely inappropriate to me, in front fo the kids, or to them, very derogatory things. I no longer even remotely try and appease her, I did that for too long and it never led to anything positive, but if she says something disparaging, I'll say something like that is rude and uncalled for, bye, and leave. But she loves to yell and get angry, she'll block my way out of the room. there is no just sitting with her, not for me, as she'll get up in my face.

While I was in the house, we had family dinners together. I usually cook, I'm good at it and enjoy it, I like the cooking part more than the eating part, and really like it when I come up with something that excites the kids, something they really like. Its challenging, especially since my daughter is mostly vegetarian, but my 17 YO son, carnivore to the max.

And our parenting style couldn't be more different. she insists on discipline, harsh demands. Go to your room, do your homework now. No discussion. Clean your room. If you don't you can't go to taht party. That's her style. For me, I would rather inspire the children to do well. You want to go shopping for that new blouse? Sure, show me the good grade on the next math test, and I'll drop you off at the mall. Show me a bad grade, and well, sorry, no mall. I find the kids respond to me more happily, and I NEVER have to raise my voice. She, always does.

Church, that's another sore spot. I recently found a church that feels like home, I have been welcomed with open arms, I feel connected and part of the family. I've taken the kids a few times, but she will not support this. I talk to my daughter, get her to agree to go, and the ex will talk to her, then call me saying she doesn't really want to go, I told her she doesn't have to. I resent her not supporting this. If only she would come as well. She actually did, once, but kept to herself, and never returned.

there is and will be no more counciling. She only would go if the therapist completely agrees with every word she says. If she feels like the councilor supports me or my statement even a little, she'll walk out, and never return. This woman has no empathy and no ability to accept blame for anything in her life, ever.

So is there respect? No, not really. I try and support her in front of the kids, she is the mom. I contstantly reinforce that they have two parents that love them, but they only here that from me. She does not respect me as a person, anything I've done privately, professionally, she will tear me down, in front of our children, every chance she gets. I simply won't subject myself to that, not ever again.

That being said, I still have compassion for her, and pray for her. If only, I know who she was, I have seen the good person in her, but not for a long time. I hope that God can get through to her, but me, I'm done trying. I've laid that burden on Him.

I think you hand;ed the situation well and you did the right thing.