You'll get through it. My ex also claimed to others he was shocked by my filing for divorce, despite me trying to have conversations with him for years about the true state of our marriage. He kept his head firmly in the sand. It's still there, I think, 1 year post-divorce.

It's a huge adjustment for any family. Although I can't stand my ex and don't trust him one bit, I don't stand in the way of my kids (almost 18 & 20) having a relationship with him. One of the first things I did once I filed was attend the mandatory parenting class the county required. There they stress doing what's best for the kids. Hopefully you and your wife will be attending one of these classes and she will take heart (assuming she's now saying negative things to the kids which has turned them against you. IDK, just guessing). Keep working at getting your kids to come back to you. Maybe they needed a cool down period, maybe now they're ready to see you again. Take carefully thought out small steps, don't overwhelm them. Don't ever give up on them, no matter how much rejection you feel.

Thanks, jojored. I needed that. I agree that kids need a healthy relationship with both parents. I don't know if she's saying negative things about me, or if they're just seeing her being hurt and blaming me (I think she cries a lot every day, and spent at least a week in bed). I don't know if she's slagging me, but she's certainly doing nothing to encourage them to speak with me.
You're also right that things take time. And I need to shelf my desire for contact with them. I tried sending them a text every day or two to remind them I loved them, but I think that was too much. Maybe I'll try a letter in a care package.
Thanks for talking.

Hang in there (lame saying but true). This is all new for me. Looking for distractions but it's so scary to be in this "newness" when you spent so much of your life with someone. Good luck to you.

Thanks Jane. I think, or suspect that's really the crux of a lot of what we're going through. We're used to sharing our selves, our problems and feelings. We had someone to listen and share with, and someone to help provide solutions (at least ideally, obviously it wasn't so perfect or we likely wouldn't be here). Anyway, now we have to figure it out on our own. I'm not sure about distractions. I think we need to be more purposeful. One thing about where we are is that though it's hard as hell, it is an opportunity for a self-rebirth. If there is a distraction, I think it should be something that moves us towards a new and better self; one that acknowledges the faults and shortcomings of our old selves; making us stronger, better people.
Good luck to you.

Hi K.
you're absolutely right. We are on opposite sides of the same situation. Why did I leave my wife. That's not an easy question to answer. We have been through a lot together, but over the last three or more years I've been slowly dying, emotionally atrophying. We tried counselling several times, and though it helped a bit, it never stuck. It seemed the more we tried the less I cared to. I just wanted out. I've supported her through long term illness and relative poverty, and just feel tired. Everything I wanted for myself as a person has been put on hold, and I've been watching myself become sad, lazy and stupid. That's not what I wanted for myself. The kids are basically grown now and the prospect of spending the rest of my life with her feels like I'd be compromising all that's left. I really feel for you, because what you say sounds like it could have been her writing it. She says she loves me "fiercely" and I do love her. You can't spend that much time and have that many memories without loving. But I just don't feel there's enough of me to go around anymore. I know what I've done is cruel. But not doing it would be false. I would only be staying because I didn't want to hurt her. No one would believe me if I told them this action is breaking my own heart too, not just hers. I feel like a coyote chewing my own leg off to escape a trap. I feel like a monster. But going back simply doesn't feel like an option. It's wrong and its selfish, what I'm doing, but I can't not do it. I know this makes no sense, I'm a mess and a contradiction. One should stay and fix it. One should strive to hold the family together. What kind of man wouldn't. Is it weakness or strength that made me do it and keeping me from crawling back to beg forgiveness? I wish I knew the answer. I spoke with her yesterday; our first talk in over a week. She offered me a way back. "To save you waking up a year from now realizing you've thrown everything away," she said. Maybe she's right. Maybe I will realize this one day. But I don't yet, or I do already, but the prospect of being alone right now seems right, even knowing the disaster I'm leaving in my wake. If I have any advice, I'd suggest you try to get him to explain his feelings, and don't judge what he says, because if he's anything like me, he'll only believe half of it. The rest will be justifying his actions or reactions to mountains of confusing emotions. As men, I think emotions are somewhat foreign, and many of us don't have the tools to understand them, nevermind deal with them sensibly. I doubt this note clarifies anything for you. On behalf of your husband, I'm sorry for breaking your heart. We're both bleeding