Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This morning I attended the court ordered co-parenting class. It taught me ways to better handle this situation in front of our children. Things like not putting their father down or mentioning his drinking and abuse any more.
I have already told my older two that I am not going to stop them from seeing their father or take away his right to see them, though I think I have every right to considering the alcoholism and history of verbal abuse (did I mention I have hours of audio tapes of him calling me names?). They are smart kids. They know the truth and I don't have to say a bad word about him.
He has refused to take the class, just as he refused to accept the certified letter from the court saying I filed. I have heard a few different ways this could go. One way would be the court will give me full custody and him supervised visitation at a mediation center since he did not take the class. Another is that the court could refuse to hear the case until he takes the class and keep canceling my divorce (this is the worst case scenario in my mind).
I think just about every other parent in the class was in an amicable dissolution and both parents were there together and getting along or the parents had already separated their lives and were living apart. I believe I was the only one in the room that still has their soon to be ex living in the same house.
Tension is high....at least for me. He seems to not give two shits and is going about his daily life like there is nothing going on.
I have already told my older two that I am not going to stop them from seeing their father or take away his right to see them, though I think I have every right to considering the alcoholism and history of verbal abuse (did I mention I have hours of audio tapes of him calling me names?). They are smart kids. They know the truth and I don't have to say a bad word about him.
He has refused to take the class, just as he refused to accept the certified letter from the court saying I filed. I have heard a few different ways this could go. One way would be the court will give me full custody and him supervised visitation at a mediation center since he did not take the class. Another is that the court could refuse to hear the case until he takes the class and keep canceling my divorce (this is the worst case scenario in my mind).
I think just about every other parent in the class was in an amicable dissolution and both parents were there together and getting along or the parents had already separated their lives and were living apart. I believe I was the only one in the room that still has their soon to be ex living in the same house.
Tension is high....at least for me. He seems to not give two shits and is going about his daily life like there is nothing going on.
Further, he left and found someone that drank even more. His girlfriend called my daughter (at age 7, a "bitch")
The reason why I never got angry over any of it was....it wasn't my right anymore. It was my kid's right. If I got angry, my kids were NOT going to get angry...they were going to defend their father and his girlfriend.
So MORE than just not mentioning it, or not putting him down...I put it aside. And let my kids deal with it.
So what if they loved him and he drank and did bad things. I had done the very SAME thing in my marriage. I would expect them to follow my example.
So I listened. I understood. I sympathized.
And I helped them learn to cope better than I ever did.
Well their dad doesn't drink anymore, and the girlfriend is gone. And my kids are happy and healthy. They're dream teens to parent. They get great grades and hang out with good kids. When I ask about people drinking, they shake their heads and say that they feel sorry for those kids.
So my advice is to think long term. If the relationship between your kids and their father falls apart, you don't want to be anywhere close to it. You don't want to have been anything but 1000% supportive of that relationship.
On the other hand, if you want the kids to feel guilty about loving their dad, and their dad to tell your kids that you made him feel guilty too...then just keep wanting to win the mental war with your stbx.
Also, it might be helpful for you all to attend age appropriate alanon groups and/or therapy w/someone who specializes in recovery from abuse and codependence (which usually happens on some level when living w/an addict).
The thing to remember about the alcoholic is that you're never actually dealing w/him. Instead, you're dealing w/the alcohol and it never makes sense. AND sad to say, you can't ever trust what an alcoholic tells you.
Um, they're kids. They don't. That's where you need to help them understand him.
This isn't for him. It's because you don't want your kids to either make the same choices he made, or make the same choices you made.
You help your kids understand why dad appears to not "give two shits". You tell your kids that the pain is too great and that dad feels backed into a corner by you. You tell them that you understand their father's feelings, but that the situation that you're in is good for no one in the house.
You tell your kids that people (including you) tend to stay where they're at, because they fear the unknown, or just don't know what to do about it.
My son went to the funeral of that woman that called his sister a bitch, and forced her son to call him an "asshole" (I have a couple dozen more stories). She shot and killed herself in front of my ex.
My kids had every "right" to be angry at Ramona. I taught them not to be. I taught them to understand her. Now they talk with compassion about her. They talk with compassion about their father's choice to live with her for 4 years.
Again, think long term.
I didn't get there in a day. But I didn't stay angry at my ex for years either. I'm not a great parent. I don't live in a great house. And I have next to no social support (moved to this town because of my ex's job), and I have next to no family support. I want back to school and haven't even had that much time around my kids.
I'm not proud of it, but I've yelled, I've spanked. I've struggled. But I'm also beyond amazed at how Happy my children are now. I was never happy as a child, nor was my ex.