Crushed was just the beginning.  He unblocked me from his phone after I threatened to have him arrested for trespassing and theft after he came onto the property and took one of the trailers without my permission and knowledge.  Of course that started a whole line of conversation about how it is my fault because I cheated 20 years ago and because of everything else he had to complain about.  I had to remind him he came back to me after 7 years of divorce saying he had been angry all those years because he never fought for me.  We got back together and then he wanted to remarry on our anniversary less then 2 months later.  My gut told me no but I really did love him.  The letter he wrote me the day we got married is engrained in my mind.  Love like that doesn't just go away; it had to be a lie.  At times I was convinced he got back together with me to crush me and leave me broken as revenge.  Looking back now it still seems like it.

He has a side business and due to my deep depression the last 4 years, I never did the 2016 and 2017.  I told him right before Christmas I would do them after the frist.  That was before I found out about them.  Here I am I can't stop thinking about the betrayal by both of them and I am hurt and upset and he sends me a text yesterday asking me when I am going to do the taxes.  Really?????  He chose someone else after 30 years and he expects me to do his taxes.  Since he posted on fb that she was a better woman than I could ever be I told him nope you chose her so she gets all of you.  I quit.  I can't believe he really thought I would do them.  I went to the accountant and filed married filing separately claiming my son.  Now he can't claim either one of us.  I could possibly be losing out 1/2 of a refund for 2017 but it's only money.  That is her responsibility now.

Today he texted me telling me my son was going to meet him so he could get his papers.  No I don't think so.  I told him I was packing the stuff up and would leave it at her house Friday.  I told him do not come here.  So as usual he starts demeaning me and belittling me because he is mad he didn't get his way.  He can't stand the fact he is not in control of the situation.  This is the stuff he finds most important during this time.

That just makes it hurt that much worse.  Everyone says forget about him, you deserve better, give it time but every time I have to deal with him I am thrust back into the whole situation.  Even worse it wells up the emotions about my friend of 35 years executing a plan to steal my husband using what I told her in confidence as a friend.  It's just opens the wounds that are just starting to get better every time.

Unfortunately I truly loved him all those 30 years.  Yes I cheated I owned it accepted the fallout of my actions and tried to get my life back together.  Back then he kept putting off the divorce.  We were separated 2 years.  He bought a house and moved his girlfriend in.  That is when I filed and tried to move.  He stayed closed to my parents and we managed to stay on a friend basis until the last 2 years of our divorce.  He went off on me about his situation like it was my fault.  So I cut all ties then.  He showed up at my door Sept 2007.  I had never met his children, his family hated me, and my life was in a very conflicted state.  I was struggling with each day and I was really reluctant to jump back in.  He told me now or never so we remarried a month and 1/2 later on our anniversay.  We were different people now.  I had been a single mom for 8 years (he was not the father) and he had 2 children of his own.  We tried but could not have children together. 

Now I sit here wishing he had never come back; wishing I had not let him manipulate me.  I was vulnerable and he knew it.  I still loved him and he knew it.  The first 6 months were better than I could have asked for then his jealousy over my son crept in and it was like someone hit a switch.  He became a person I had never seen in the 17 years I had known him and from there it slowly got worse and worse.  I promised if I ever remairred I would accept the person as they were and make the best of things so that is what I did.  Unfortunately everything I did was wrong.  My depression started when I got laid off of my job of 21 years.  like was like a bad roller coaster ride after that.  I also suffer from chronic fatigue so that didn't help.  He criticized me for taking medication and going to therapy.  He acted like I was faking about everything.  Abput 5 years ago the verbal abuse started.  He tried to be demanding and controling.  He expected me to do everything just like he told me.  I was depressed but I still had some pride left.  I tried to tell him things would be better if her talked to me differently.  He said he yelled at me and talked crap to snap me out of it.  That was his way of dealing with my depression.

So now I am hurting everyday, crying more than I have any other time in my life, and trying to figure out how to cope.  Before he left he emptied the bank account and I was unemployed so I have been seriously struggling ever since.  I finallly got a job in last Oct and everything we are going through has affected me negatively.  I have not been doing the job to the best of my ability because of lack of sleep and everything else.  On top of it I lost the only friend I confided in about everything which leaves me no where to turn.

We still have a long way to go to work through things.  I hired a lawyer to help me but I can't afford to hire him to take care of everything.  Since we have no children together I am not really entitled to much of anything even though I was injured with a sever herniated disc and he had been taking care of me financially the 3 years before we separated.  

My son moved in with his girlfriend almost 2 years ago so now I am alone.  It is a first for me.  I got a roommate after I bought the house before.  He started so many projects he didn't finish that I have so much to do before I can even try to find a roommate.  There are so many other things I have had to deal with along with all of this thanks to his actions regarding joint accounts and such.

I am thankful for my job because it's a distraction but I hate coming home.  Everything starts swirling in my head, I get upset, and I just sit.  I have no motivation and I feel like going to work is a waste of time because I can't even pay the bills.

I just don't know how to cope with the emotions and deal with the stress especially since there is no one that is here for me to turn to.