hi everyone, i really need your insights. This will be long even though I don't want to ramble, but I am so angry and depressed and miserable. My husband of 8 yrs and I have been going downhill for a while, most obviously since the birth of of the first of our 2 kids, 5 yrs. ago. We have not had sex nor have our naked bodies touched each others since the night my almost 2 yr. old was concieved. I have always been more sexually open than my husband, but his sexual desires have decreased since we've dated/married...

In the years we've been together, he's become more anal about cleanliness, orderliness, germs, promptness, etiquette... and can never explain why these things are sooo important to him except for answers like, "People don't do that" or "Because that's how I am, okay?" and our inability to ever resolve anything becomes these intensely hurtful arguments that have lead to him calling me names, belittling me - even in front of our kids - and a few occassions even had him physically threatening me.

He doesn't like when I tell a silly or crass joke, when I play music he doesn't like, when I buy "wrong" side dishes to go with prepared entrees, if the bed is not made to his liking (flat sheet turned down just so, just so long), when I make fun T shirts (batboy 2018) for our son to wear to baseball games, he refuses to eat food from Trader Joes, expects pillowcases to be wrinkle-free, won't touch velour blankets, sit on a beach (too sandy)...

We met through mutual friends who are married and dated long-distance, living 200 miles apart. He had a prestigious job with a fabulous salary and lots of family within a few miles of him, so I agreed to leave a great job & career, my friends and my "home" of more than 10 years to be with him after we got engaged. After all, we were in love, his mom was ill and his family was in the same city as him, while mine was not near me, and he earned WAY more than me (though I did very well) and b/c I lived in Manhattan, his moving to me would mean he'd work more and I'd never see him and we'd get less for our money.

So, in new city, I started my own company, and after 2 years, was pregnant, ill from it and dissolved the company right before first child was born. After 6 months I worked part-time, then a year later worked full-time for 10 months in a contract position, but haven't worked since.

Now have 2 kids, but they are easier to take care of and please than husband, who I sometimes hate so much I want to stab in the neck incessantly. I know I am not in love with him anymore and cringe when he tells me he loves me because I hate saying "I love you too" in response, but do b/c the last time I didn't it turned into a huge fight. When he fights, he is out-of-control angry - no physical violence anymore, but says emotionally crippling things and often counters with "you are such a bitch, you've just been looking for a fight, haven't you, you are so antagonistic!" or "Oh, you want a divorce? Fine, I'll give you a divorce! I'm gonna give you a divorce like you've never seen!"

I finally got to the point a few months ago where I told him that I really needed space, was losing it, and if he loved me 1 iota, he'd just give me space, move out, maybe rent the house down the street or check into a hotel- he could keep the keys, come & go as he pleased, but he wouldn't and and every time I bring it up again, he says he is not leaving, if I want out, I have to go, I can't take the kids (but who would take care of them?) He also says if we are to separate, we may just as well divorce. Huh?

SO, anyhow, now I am such a mess, I am depressed, cry easily, pull out my hair (like, a serious problem), sleep often, have gained weight, smoke (cigarettes) like a banshee, drink alone at night, almost every night, to avoid my feelings and feel lonely, angry, isolated, depressed, guilty....

But I still stay. and it kills me. And I love my children soo much. And I am hating my husband so much. I pray that he just disappears b/c the idea of a divorce and how it will affect my 5 yr. old scares me. and when he freaks out on me, my anger just unleashes this tsunami of hatred - I do wish him or myself harm, and I tell him this and he doesn't get that one "okay day" doesn't cancel out a fight where he verbally abuses me because I ask him to help out with a household chore (becuase I don't cook, I am responsible for EVERY other household/parental responsibility).

I think I may go crazy... Please somebody give me advice. What does it take to leave? How do you get a spouse to give you space? How do you find a reliable lawyer? How do you respond when your mate is expecting "I love you too"?

Tahnks for reading, if you still are. And, really, how does one find a good lawyer?