Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
hi everyone,i don't want to ramble, but I am so angry and depressed and miserable. My husband of 8 yrs and I have been going downhill for a while, most obviously since the birth of of the forst of our 2 kids, 5 yrs. ago. We have not had sex nor have our naked bodies touched each others since the night my almost 2 yr. old was concieved. I have always been more sexually open than my husband, but his sexual desires have decreased since we've dated/married...
In the years we've been together, he's become more anal about cleanliness, orderliness, promptness, etiquette... to the point where our differences have lead to him calling me names and physically threatening me.
He doesn't like when I tell a silly or crass joke, when I play music he doesn't like, when I buy inappropriate sides to go with prepared entrees, when I make the bed improperly (sheet not turned down enough/ turned down too much), when I make fun T shirts (batboy 2018) for our son to wear to baseball games, refuses to eat food from Trader Joes, touch velour blankets, sit on a beach (too sandy)...
He had a prestigious job with a fabulous salary while we were dating and lots iof family within a few miles of him (mom with illness, dad, steppparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...), so I agreed to leave a great job & career and my "home" and friends of over 10 years to be with him. After all, we were in love, his mom was ill and his family was in the same city as him, while mine was not near me, and he earned WAY more than me (though I did very well) and b/c I lived in Manhattan, his moving to me would mean he'd work more and I'd never see him and we'd get less for our money.
So I started my own company, and after 2 years, was pregnant, ill from it and dissolved the company right before first child was born. After 6 months I worked part-time, then a year later worked full-time in a contract position, but haven't worked since.
Now have 2 kids, but they are easier to take care of and please than husband, who I sometimes hate so much I want to stab in the neck incessantly. I know I am not in love with him anymore and cringe when he tells me he loves me because I hate saying "I love you too" in response, but do b/c the last time I didn't it turned into a huge fight. When he fights, he is out-of-control angry - no physical violence anymore, but says emotionally crippling things and often counters with "you are such a bitch, you've just been looking for a fight, haven't you, you antagonistic bitch?" or "Ohm you want a divorce? Fine, I'll give you a divorce! I'm gonna give you a divorce like you've never seen!"
I finally got to the point a few months ago where I told him that I really needed space, was losing it, and if he loved me 1 iota, he'd just give me space, move out, maybe rent the house down the street or check into a hotel- he could keep the keys, come & go as he pleased," but he wouldn't and and every time I bring it upo again, he says, he is not leaving, if I want out, I have to go, (but who will take care of kids???!!!!)
SO, now I am such a mess, I am depressed, cry easily, pull out my hair (like, a serious problem), sleep often, have gained weight, smoke (cigarettes) like a banshee, drink alone at night, almost every night, to avoid my feelings and feel lonely, angry, isolated, depressed, guilty....
But I still stay. and it kills me. And I love my children soo much. And I am hating my husband so much. I pray that he just disappears b/c the idea of a divorce and how it will affect my 5 yr. old scares me. and when he freaks out on me, my anger just unleashes this tsunami of hatred - I do wish him or myself harm, and I tell him this and he doesn't get that one "okay day" doesn't cancel out a fight where he verbally abuses me because I ask him to help out with a household chore (becuase I don't cook, I am responsible for EVERY other household/parental responsibility).
I think I may go crazy... Please somebody give me advice. What does it take to leave? How do you get a spouse to give you space? How do you find a reliable lawyer? How do you respond when your mate is expecting "I love you too"?
Tahnks for reading, if you still are.
In the years we've been together, he's become more anal about cleanliness, orderliness, promptness, etiquette... to the point where our differences have lead to him calling me names and physically threatening me.
He doesn't like when I tell a silly or crass joke, when I play music he doesn't like, when I buy inappropriate sides to go with prepared entrees, when I make the bed improperly (sheet not turned down enough/ turned down too much), when I make fun T shirts (batboy 2018) for our son to wear to baseball games, refuses to eat food from Trader Joes, touch velour blankets, sit on a beach (too sandy)...
He had a prestigious job with a fabulous salary while we were dating and lots iof family within a few miles of him (mom with illness, dad, steppparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...), so I agreed to leave a great job & career and my "home" and friends of over 10 years to be with him. After all, we were in love, his mom was ill and his family was in the same city as him, while mine was not near me, and he earned WAY more than me (though I did very well) and b/c I lived in Manhattan, his moving to me would mean he'd work more and I'd never see him and we'd get less for our money.
So I started my own company, and after 2 years, was pregnant, ill from it and dissolved the company right before first child was born. After 6 months I worked part-time, then a year later worked full-time in a contract position, but haven't worked since.
Now have 2 kids, but they are easier to take care of and please than husband, who I sometimes hate so much I want to stab in the neck incessantly. I know I am not in love with him anymore and cringe when he tells me he loves me because I hate saying "I love you too" in response, but do b/c the last time I didn't it turned into a huge fight. When he fights, he is out-of-control angry - no physical violence anymore, but says emotionally crippling things and often counters with "you are such a bitch, you've just been looking for a fight, haven't you, you antagonistic bitch?" or "Ohm you want a divorce? Fine, I'll give you a divorce! I'm gonna give you a divorce like you've never seen!"
I finally got to the point a few months ago where I told him that I really needed space, was losing it, and if he loved me 1 iota, he'd just give me space, move out, maybe rent the house down the street or check into a hotel- he could keep the keys, come & go as he pleased," but he wouldn't and and every time I bring it upo again, he says, he is not leaving, if I want out, I have to go, (but who will take care of kids???!!!!)
SO, now I am such a mess, I am depressed, cry easily, pull out my hair (like, a serious problem), sleep often, have gained weight, smoke (cigarettes) like a banshee, drink alone at night, almost every night, to avoid my feelings and feel lonely, angry, isolated, depressed, guilty....
But I still stay. and it kills me. And I love my children soo much. And I am hating my husband so much. I pray that he just disappears b/c the idea of a divorce and how it will affect my 5 yr. old scares me. and when he freaks out on me, my anger just unleashes this tsunami of hatred - I do wish him or myself harm, and I tell him this and he doesn't get that one "okay day" doesn't cancel out a fight where he verbally abuses me because I ask him to help out with a household chore (becuase I don't cook, I am responsible for EVERY other household/parental responsibility).
I think I may go crazy... Please somebody give me advice. What does it take to leave? How do you get a spouse to give you space? How do you find a reliable lawyer? How do you respond when your mate is expecting "I love you too"?
Tahnks for reading, if you still are.
But I'll try based on my experience so far...
It would seen that you guys are big time angry at each other for reasons that are not out in the open. My whole issue has been hidden anger on both our sides. Anger that festered for a looooong time (15 years) and was never addressed or dealt with. That is the root of all my problems I really believe.
First step is that you need to talk to him about why you are angry. It will be hard, emotional, and make you sick at times. He must do the same with you. After the smoke clears, you will be left with some feelings (or lack thereof). You will know if there is enough love left to salvage or not. Then and only then can you begin to make decisions about what to do longer term.
I went without a sex life for most of my marriage. It made me angry and full of resent. I am a very passionate guy so this killed me. But divorcing someone out of anger is a bad move. The anger does wear off and all that remain are feelings and emotions toward that person. If there is real love there, it is worth working on. If there is a basis for moving forward with that person you will know it in your heart. If not you will know that as well.
The kids complicate things a lot ! As good and responsible parents we never wanted a broken family for our kids. We will sometimes live 15 or more years in solitude to not upset the balance of the family (sorry my experience). At some point you will have had enough of whatever is wrong in your marriage and be right back in the same boat, just older unless you deal with it now.
I am learning a lot from counseling and other people. No decision is easy and divorce is probably one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. But for every closed door in one's life a couple more open up and that is something you have to take on faith.
Start by talking to your spouse about what is eating each one of you and BE HONEST even if it hurts the other one. provide a safe environment for him to open up and maybe he can do the same for you. Its the only way through the forest my friend. Trust me I haven't cleared the tree yet myself.
I am at a decision point in my situation. I have been on my own for some months to think. I've had time to process the hell we went through. What I found was that I have a hard time forgiving someone to the point of kindling a romatic fire after all the hell I've been through. It doesn't make my decision any easier in the end but at least I know now what my soul is capable of and what it is not.
I wish you luck and strength through this. You only have on life and limited time above ground. It should be fun and enjoyable, not miserable.
Oh and btw, I thought my kids were gonna deeply hurt by my moving out. The initial telling them that dad was going to get a place so we could be apart for a while was very tough. But after that, they were fine with the arrangment. Kids can deal with change better than adults... Plus I told them the new place had a pool. That helped a bit :-)
Keep your head up kiddo.
:)
Be well!
Make sure you have some money for yourself (to survive), then get out.. rent somewhere, take the kids, tell him that you will book a joint counsellor meeting if he wants to talk... arrange the apptmt for a month+
I've just read the bottom of this advice panel... 'In adding this Advice, I xxxLxxx, do promise to be nice.' I hope I've been helpful, some advice is not nice!
PS I am not sure what you should do... I was venting... reviewing a little of what I have been going through for the past 2 years... sorry, insanity seems to be part of the process...????
Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide... xxx
I talked to a counselor at the shelter almost a full year before I separated from my husband. I hoped I would never have to use their advice, but when it finally came, I had some cash in my pocket and I had a place to go where he could not reach me and the kids.
I could not imagine taking my children to a 'safe-house', but when we got there, and it was safe, it was a releif.
Except for family, that was the first place where they understood that abuse is not all about physical, but emotional and verbal, gestures and threats, are just as frightening (and sometimes more so) than fists. They helped me find a plan for getting my children safely back into our home with their father not living here.
And now, with the divorce pending with the judge at any moment, the documentation from that shelter and notes of the counselors have perhaps enabled me to prove that I was fearful of my husband.
I wish I could tell you that separation will not affect your children, but it will. But try to imagine the option: how will they be affected if one of their parents gets seriously harmed by the other in their presence, and they have to see and hear things that will stick with them forever. Please also remember that you are teaching your children how a wife should be treated. If you have a son, do you want him to learn to treat his mother this way? And if you have a daughter, do you want her to know how to handle it if she is ever in an abusive situation? These are the thoughts that finally caused me to escape and file for divorce.
Get some money in a checking account under your own control.
Keep a record of where that money goes because the court can request an accounting.
Keep enough cash for a tank of gas, a hotel room, and a few days food for yourself and the children. Put a few days supply of any prescription medications for all of you, and a change of clothing in the car (hidden).
Make copies of important documents and place it somewhere away from your house, like with a friend or a bank box.
Start written journal of his behavior and your actions. Find a person you can trust and email a copy of this journal to them, asking that person to keep it filed for you. That way you will have a record of the actual date when you made it known to someone. Email keeps a date-stamp, so it is admissible in court.
Keep your own behavior in check. Do not respond violently, even verbally, to him trying to goad you. Since your husband seems to be extremely detail-oriented, you might expect that he will document your actions also, so don't do anything you wouldn't want to publicly defend yourself of.
I had some freedom when, after the separation from a 20 yr marriage, I was able to tell my X "If you have something to do to me, you may as well do it, because I'm not running scared from you anymore."
Protect yourself and your children any way you can. If you think your precious babies are not affected by the way things are now, you are kidding yourself. The don't deserve this.
We are a lot poorer financially now, but richer by far in the peaceful days in our house.
I speak peace and blessings upon you.
And Momjordi, I am soo sorry that you have been going through what you've been going through - nobody should have to deal with all of the issues you face (so bravely, I might add).
Here's a question to you all:
Regarding an abuse center, if in the past year his abuse has been mild (threatening divorce, calling me antagonistic and irresponsible) even though 2 years ago he once held me down on a bed in the middle of the night and berated me, calling me a bitch for what seemed like forever as our son slept in the room next door and he'd punch holes in the walls,pick up a pants pressand throw that into a wall... does it still count as being fearful if it's remarkedly improved and I never did anything about it when it was bad? Am I kidding myself?
And am I sick to feel badly because I know he's trying and when he's good, he's good? I could be his friend, believe, but not his wife. I am going off on a tangent.
Just thanks and good luck to you too! I am here.
I developed trichotillomania (hair pulling), gained weight, drank A LOT, and considered killing myself. I prayed for him to die.
Your husband is abusive and he must get counselling and serious help. When my exhusband refused counselling or any steps to make me at least content in my marriage I had to end it. I had to save secret money to get him to leave, I paid him to leave.
I just stopped saying it back. (I love you) When he asked why I wouldn't answer him back I would tell him the truth. If you loved me you would take some action to help me be happier in this nightmare marriage.
Your husband sounds like he might need medication too, but you probably can't make him go right now.
Then you need marital counseling. Go by yourself if you have too.
Drinking and smoking your way through the pain will do nothing to solve anything.
We started with couples therapy becuase we figured we'd have to fix many things before addressing our intimacy issues. But once that was "squared away" (or so I thought), we hit a major roadblock in sex therapy. My husband just couldn't make/find the time to do touching exercises, didn't feel well, was tired... any excuse... He just has some serious phobias and is not addressing them beyond saying, "I know I have a problem and how much it bothers you. I am ashamed and I am working on it." but how he is addressing it or what he worries about etc... I am clueless as to what is going on there and after 2 1/2 years feel like I have patient but am not being given enough information or any role in the area of how he is working on whatever he is working on, if that's even the case.
so we went back to couples therapy with the same dr. who is now my indiv. therapist, and together we decided indiv. therapy was necessary to address certain issues. He sees a therapist 2 times and I have no idea if they discuss sexual phobias or the weather...
So we restarted couples therapy 2 weeks ago - our second meeting is this afternoon and yesterday when I had therapy I told my therapist I am not sure I am comfortable having him be both my individual therapist and our couples therapist and that maybe he wasn't giving me the help I needed or maybe I was just questioning his abilities and intellect, etc. because in some way he was the dog I coul kick since I can't go home and kick my husband.
Thanks for supportand suggestions and I'll take all I can get! Oh, and it is Trich is have, but I didn't think trich was stress-induced. What is the easy treatment?
I pulled my eyebrows. Exhusband made fun of me and like to point out the problem to others in social situations. Such torture.
My "safety plan" included a specific instruction to pay attention to my instincts if I felt I was in danger.
You are feeling extremely crowded and threatened ("I'll give you divorce like you've NEVER seen!") Sounds like he is on the verge of reacting physically and so are you. Please reach out for some concrete advice before that happens and some one gets hurt and some one else gets arrested. Those kids need at least one sane parent, and since you can't control their dad, you can only decide what you will do about the situation. Just call an abuse center and make an appointment. See if a short talk with a counselor there can help put anything into perspective. Unlike the police, these are people who can help you take action BEFORE things get out of hand.
My husband through such a fit for me doing this, continually stating "I've never hurt you or the kids! You're trying to make me out to be some kind of monster".
I never told anyone that he physically hurt me or the kids, but I did tell them that, based on his behavior, I was afraid that he WOULD hurt me.
Then after I started the divorce proceedings, I discovered that just a few months before I filed for divorce, he had taken a life insurance policy out on me for 106,000.00 without my knowledge. I was stay at home mom and we had been married for almost nineteen years and had never had life ins on me, just on him. And the ins. on me was from a company I had never dealt with in the past. Sometimes it pays to follow your inner voice about things instead of how things appear on the outside.
inconsistency. it's like beingkilled and reborn to be killed and repeat itself....
but your sharingmeans the world to me and i'm so glad you have reached out. thanks.