This weekend has been rough, I hardly left my room and I'm feeling quite down.

In August C. decided that he wanted "to stop", we'd been together for 6 years. It wasn't an easy relationship, there was an abortion, I conquered an eating disorder and went to therapy for that, my mom died; he's very focussed on theatre and I often had the feeling that he doesn't really accept me as the person I am and that his priority, ie. theatre, will always be the most important thing in his life. I totally agree that having and living a passion is crucial to feel fulfilled, then, for me, it's too much if it's more important to get to a big theatre reunion when a pregnancy test was positive or if he cries because the premiere of a play he rehearsed for needs to be postponed because my mom died... Anyhow, that's details which might not make a lot of sense quoted randomly...

So I went to Argentina to join him there in July; I wasn't keen on Argentina, but I wanted to give the realtionship a chance even after it had been quite rocky when he (after having lived in Spain for three years) joined me in Munich for a couple of months. He he didn't like it there and he left for Berlin. Three weeks after I'd arrived to Argentina he threw the towel, "we can't be happy together" was the initial reason, later he also told me more (amongst other things) that he'd lost respect for me, stayed with me out of pity, had decided to stick with me for two years when my mom died. This hurt a lot, and it left a mark, I catch myself questioning whether friends invite me out of pity, for example.

The Friday before last C. sent an email, in a nutshell, he'd been thinking of me and would like to be in contact. It threw me quite a bit, I cried a lot after reading the email. I haven't replied, and I don't know whether or what to reply. It's true that we said we'll always be there for eachother, but at the moment I don't know if I want to have contact. I'm still angry, angry at him for not having been able to empathise with what I'd gone through and instead pity me. I don't want to be pitied, I haven't had an easy life (my family situation was rather "special" as well) and it's true that sadness has played a big part in the last years, but pity - no, that's not what I wish for or deserve...

On Friday I went out for dinner with a couple of friends and it turns out one of them is pregnant. Last year many of my friends got kids and it's hard for me as it reminds me of the abortion. Also, during our last meeting in Argentina, he told me that he never got over the abortion, that it was the big chance when the relationship was still fresh and we in love, to hear that hurt a lot. Back then, however, he didn't make an effort to convince me that we could do that together, that he would take care for the baby, nothing like that... On top of the pregnancy-news I had a row with my flatmate, which could be resolved, but it also made me realise that I don't like it much to live in a sublet, the flat being her's. I'd love to have a place where I can feel at home, where nobody can just ask me to leave...

On Saturday I woke up and cried, the rest of the day I spent in bed, crying a lot and sleeping. Today it took me quite a while to get up, I managed to go for a walk, got some sushi and tried writing, but little came out. I don't feel like talking to friends, I feel out of place, wonder whether I want to stay here (I'm back in Munich) or go elsewhere (solitude seems very tempting), I feel my life doesn't make sense, that I'm worthless and not lovable... I've been trying not to buy into such self-sabotaging thoughts but today and yesterday I'm finding it really hard, I'm tired of fighting...