Yup do the counselling so an independent person can get him to see she has to go NOW

Personally, I would move on without him and get counseling for me alone. He says long term he knows the affair woman that works for him has to go for us to be a couple, but in the short term isn't willing to do it.

That means he will hold onto her as an affair while trying to work things out with us--that's a no go for me and I would dump his butt right now and not proceed with him any further and go no contact. I don't believe in someone playing games with me in relationships.

I would go into counseling alone for myself.

Guess it all depends on whether this is the first time he's ever cheated, or if this is a pattern with him. If a pattern, dump his ass and go to therapy alone. If it's the first time, then do the couples therapy and see where it leads. Obviously if he's still seeing her romantically, that's a dealbreaker to continuing with therapy, and the therapist should tell him that right away. If he just doesn't want to fire her over a mistake he made, I can kind of understand that, and therapy may help him to decide what he needs to do with her. Tough situation either way. I commend you for at least trying to work it out. If it were me I'd kick his ass out, but that's me. We all need to make our own decisions.

It is his first time and he is in Individual Counseling. I bought his share of the house and we had been in "no contact" and then started talking again. I see a lot of progress the last month or so.

It does appear they are not physical or seeing each other anymore but in my mind she needs to be out of his life completely.He and his IC have set "some" boundaries between he and the affair partner. No riding in cars together, no going to meetings together, etc. Still not enough and part of me wants to keep on running away. A small part of me is lingering. We were best friends for 27 of our 28 years together. I am starting to see the man I loved reemerge with the help of his IC. But, this woman is non remorseful and I do not trust her and al the books I heave read say she must be gone for us to even have a shot at repairing our relationship. Hell, even without reading books I want the chick gone

I am in IC myself as well as divorce care support group and a infidelity survivors group.

That may be a tough situation for him - if she is a subordinate and he terminates her, he could face a lawsuit for sexual harassment. Maybe it is he who should look to move - either to another department or job. I understand how you feel, and I would not be able to trust with her around. However, the trust needs to be between you and he. He is responsible for his own actions, and no temptress could tempt him away from his wife if he was truly committed to the marriage. It takes 2 to cheat. I would give it more time. One month is not long enough for him to experience real change.

Thank you so much for your candor and thoughts.

He owns his own small business with himself and 2 employees.
The one employee resigned in part due to the affair. he recently replaced that person so is back to 2 employees.

In terms of legality. Initially, we were all freaked out about that and I got his name off our house pretty quickly. Based on the facebook messages I have seen between the two of them, while I agree he was the aggressor she was manipulating and stroking his ego Others who have seen them together agree she is a willing participant. She traveled on business trips with him and she still has pics of the two of them on her Facebook page.

Her husband was sent some information anonymously but rumor has it she lied her way out of it. She has two teenage daughters.

No one thinks she is wiling to sue and drag her family and friends thru it. The job to be honest is not that high paying. The perks were all the free trips she was getting. Her community thinks she is a devout Seventh Day Adventist and she tells others she goes to counseling for her husbands own infidelities. She just "liked" a post on my exs Facebook page the other day. Long story short, everyone thinks she would have a really tough time claiming harassment. His former employee and anyone else in their office complex would not support her claims if she went that route. "

I don't think it matters what others have to say. She could make the argument that he was her superior and that she felt pressured to "perform" or lose her menial job. He is in a position of authority, and it will look bad for him. Don't put anything past her. Remember, she had an affair, and lies. That's the risk you run when you mix business with pleasure. Shame on him.

Yeah...I'm not feeling this whole "won't get rid of her in the short term" thing. I agree with the thought process THIS is why you shouldn't mix business with pleasure.

WOW, if he was really commited to making your marriage work, that chick would be gone. End of story. He is halfassing it. You deserve better. Marriage takes work and commitment, and he is being selfish and lazy. Boooo! Sorry, just felt the need to say that. :) HUG. Only you can decide what to do, but my opinion is he is being an a$$hat.

He only need consult with an employment attorney. Some states have "at will" employment (my state does--Arizona) and you can be fired for no reason. But if he wants to shore up his case, most things the employer eliminates her job and fires her and then comes up with a new job and finds another person for that new job. It makes it easier to fire her and let her go.

Part of playing house with her if that any time you let her go, you risk her suing for sexual harassment, but she has to prove it and show how it impacted her job. It would appear it hasn't impacted her job and if her job is eliminated and she is let go, that happens often in companies.

Also, what typically holds for companies of 50 employees or more, doesn't always hold for companies of less than 50, for example, the medical leave act is not applicable to less than 50 employees, etc. Employers may offer it, but are not required to. Interesting.

AsTimeGoesby:

Thanks so much for the info and you insight.
it is my understanding we are a "at will" state.

My ex boss and our eye doctor suggested some of what you said too.
Eliminate that specific position and duties.
If you do hire a replacement the job titles and duties should be a different.

He goes to see another IC this weekend at the suggestion of his current IC. So he is making progress but has a long way to go I think if he is being sent to another IC yet too.

Thanks again to everyone for such thoughtful responses!