Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5. We have 2 amazing boys together (3 and 1). My wife has always been a career driven woman and there’s no problem in that.
2 years ago (may 2016) I went self employed, and was doing a property refurb and everything was fine, up till roughly this time last year when then work finished and I had to go find my own work. My wife got made redundantly may 2017. She go upset as she didn’t want to work full time and leave our children but because she’s always been the higher earner it made sense at the time for her to go back to work and for me to have our boys 2 days a week. She found a new job and started the 1st week in July 2017.
Being self employed it’s hard to find work 3 days a week, especially in my trade. So rather than go out looking for work I became too dependant on my wife and her earnings.
We went of a few holidays when she started her new job then after one holiday she started to act different. At the end of November 2017 I found out that she was texting a fellow work colleague inappropriately. We discussed this and she apologised saying that she wasn’t happy at home and was liking the attention and she said that it’ll stop. A few days later they were doing it again. I moved out as she asked for some space so she could think things through but by me doing this it made things worse. I then found out that the messages were getting worse, she had feelings for him and they’ve kissed. I returned home December 8th and kicked her out the house as I couldn’t cope with amount of lies and the deceitfulness.
She returned home and we were being amicable because of the children. We went to see a counsellor and they said that we need proper space/time apart. So I moved out again last week but this time took all my belongings as my family live near. Since then she’s informed me that she can’t get over what’s happened and that we’re over, she hasn’t got the same feelings for me anymore even though i want to make another go of it.
Shes still working at the same job with the work colleague, and he’s now split up with his partner as I told her. She’s saying that I can’t dictate to her what to do.
But she cried because she didn’t want to go back to work and leave the children and didn’t want to work full time 6 months ago. Now she’s seeing our children significantly less and still workin full time.
It sounds like this is simply a matter of her meeting another man and deciding she wants something different for herself. My cue that she is intent on getting a divorce and hooking up with the affair partner is that he left his wife as well.
Regardless of what she said 6 months ago, she's a cheater and not interested in working on her marriage. I would focus on preserving your share of the family assets and ensuring that you get proper custodial rights to your children, rather than continuing to worry about your cheating wife who has given you no reason to suspect she's interested in saving her marriage.
She'll most likely figure out that the grass is not greener on the other side, particularly when you stop doing all the things to make the family work. I'd pull out all the way and just support/visit your kids. Let her feel how much you were contributing in terms of taking care of the house, kids, repairs, seeing to the vehicles and God only knows what. She's probably been taking your contribution for granted. You can tell her all day long and just sound like a self serving prick. Pull back and let her feel the loss and see for herself.
Hang tough. It gets better.
Having children do make things different in a relationship. It takes hard work, communication, and a deliberate decision to have dates and to build the relationship.
I am in a similar situation to you. My wife works full time, and we have a teenage girl with learning difficulties. We have been married for over 18 years, and it has taken some solid commitment on both our parts to decide to continue, and to enrich the marriage.
An infatuation lasts for approximately two years. Unfortunately, many marriages break up because one spouse allows such an event as gaining attention from another work colleague.
I have seen many of my friends separate, and it appears that it has an opposite effect to what it was supposed to -particularly when both are working. Having two young children would have drain the amount of time and attention you could have for each other, at this critical point in your relationship.
I am praying that you both will make wise choices for all involved. Your boys need you the most now - and you need to make sure the boys have some stability. I would go to another counsellor who values marriage, and who can guide you should your wife have a sudden change of heart, miss the children, and decide that leaving a spouse does not bring stability in her life, nor the life of her children.
I recommend a counsellor who values families as well. I have listened to Focus on the Family radio programs throughout the time of my daughter's growing up, and the idea of having dates with my wife came from there too. I think they have a number and offer one free telephone counselling, where they will refer you to someone in your area.
I would suggest too that you consider the future should your wife wish to move on. What type of partner you would like in the future. What mistakes were made in this relationship, and how you would like to see things differently in the next. What aspects can you change about yourself for any future friendships. How can you provide for your two boys while at the same time having some 'me' time and get out even with other fathers and men to watch the footy, baseball, or a good ole bbq. Friendships will give you courage to go on.
All the best. My prayers are with you.