Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Warning, this is mostly a rant to let off steam, but any words of encouragement or advice are greatly appreciated. I haven't been on lately because I have been dealing with odd things with my ex. After going NC with my ex for awhile, and completely blocking him out of my life... he is now popping up in the periphieral of my life again.
A couple of weeks ago my brother went to lunch and movies with my ex and his new gf. Granted my brother doesn't know he is my ex but still... he knows I get annoyed when he even brings my ex's name. Anyways, my ex wanted to "introduce" his new gf to my brother. Apparently talking about how happy they are, how he is now eatting healthier, and happier then either of them have ever been. They have been absolutely inseperable since they started dating and how so alike they are. Apparently they also did so much PDA my brother(who is married) felt uncomfortable... I got to hear all of this from my brother and how happy he is that my ex finally found someone who makes him happy. Seriously, my brother doesn't know he's my ex, but my ex knows my brother doesn't know abt us. My ex also knows my brother tells me EVERYTHING and yet he felt the need to have lunch and show off his gf to my brother of all people?
Tuesday the following week, he texts my brother. Apparently he has gifts for me and my family and wondered if my brother can swing by and pick them up? Wait, why would I want ANY gift from my ex after what he did? I told my brother to tell him, he can give gifts to my family or whatever, but anything for me he can keep. I do not want it. My brother got annoyed and said Christians are supposed to forgive their enemies and all this other stuff. Apparently I was being petty that my friend got a gf and doesn't spend time with me. I asked my brother, has there ever been a time where I've been mad at anyone for anything that petty? Actually how often in my life have I ever been mad? So my brother was like that's true. Well I'm staying out of it. I was like fine with me.
Sunday, my ex texts my brother wanting to go to the movies again. So my brother tells me. Again, I ask him stop mentioning him to me. For someone who wants to "stay out of it" he likes to bring my ex up again and again. So my brother was like, what did he do to you? I was like it's between me and him. My brother was like, but it's more than just him not hanging out with me. I was like yeah. You know me. He's like yeah, I don't remember last time I saw you mad. Espacially like this. He's like should I be hanging out with him? I told him to up to you. Your relationship with him is between you guys, just don't tell me. He's like, yeah but if he hurt my sister... Finally he asked, is it bad enough to break the friendship? I said for me, yes. I don't want to be friends with him again.
What gets me is my ex's biggest complaint, when he was with me, was having to spend time/hang out with my brother. Go MONTHS ignoring my brother's texts and phone calls. Now that I go NC, he wants to keep hanging out with my brother and showing off his new young gf? Like what is that? Ugh... If he was checking up on me, he knows I don't tell my brother anything. Sorry, I just needed to let that out.
I would honestly have more respect for my brother and be more protective of him, than to remain silent. But then again if you did the right thing by your brother, you won't be able to play this caught in the middle game. You seem to like playing a little guessing game with your brother for no reason, making him keep coming back to you over and over and asking questions as he tries to piece it all together. I think you get something out of pretending to be the victim. Are you secretly thrilled that you ex still seems preoccupied with you? Even negative attention is still attention, right?
And they were kind of friends before. By kind of, I mean my brother tries hard to be friends with ppl in my life. He takes the time to know them and even tries to take me and my friends out to eat. My ex thought it was annoying and only relented to look good in front of the family.
And Gutted, I don't get a thrill from this at all. If anything his name makes my bp rise to the point where my meds cant control it. I also feel this need to punch something. Hence I don't even want to hear his name.
I know he's not preoccupied with me. If anything I feel like he's toying with me b/c I went NC. And that was not what he was expecting. A friend of mine who worked with him in college thinks he's trying to be vindictive because he does have a vindictive streak. (I didn't realize he did when we were dating. Looking back-oh yeah moments). But why be vindictive to me?
I don't want him in my life or even mentioned. I need someone who wants the same things in life... marriage, kids... I really need to stop guessing my ex's motivations. But it's hard.
This is a situation that offers and opportunity for growth for your brother and to clear the air for you. Why wouldn't you want to take it? I was only guessing at secondary motive, because this makes so little sense.
I can see the vindictive part. He's using your brother to hurt you. Let that sink in for a minute. That would make me furious. He's using YOUR BROTHER. It does not matter if they used to be friends. This is not something a friend would do to another friend, so he can't possibly still be your brother friend now.
PS: You owe your brother the truth about his supposed friend. You also aren't responsible for your brother's actions. He's an adult and you are treating him like a child by withholding information from him.