I'm so sorry for your struggles. I have a friend who is experiencing similar marriage problems in light of her son's first year of college. Have you tried John Gottman-style conflict resolution and intimacy building? The attraction might not be there because the intimacy isn't, perhaps? In my friend's case, her son took up a lot of emotional and problem-solving labor on her part because he's utterly fascinating and charming but has been on the high-functioning autism spectrum. So that's a big pull away from the marital relationship in terms of their intimacy (I don't think in their case they had problems with conflict resolution). What does your husband say about this when you've discussed your feelings with him?

The classic, I love him but I’m not IN love with him. It happens. My wife went through some difficult years feeling like you do. It was a ten year ‘phase’ lol. We are coming full circle now and it’s much better. However looking back we both see that we should have separated. Living like roommates was not fair to either one. I don’t think I would want to be with someone who I wasn’t attracted to. I have never felt that way but I can imagine. I understand you have a lot of history. (Years can certainly lead to boredom) If you can’t spice it up or believe he can alter your perception of him than talk honestly. I was in his position so I can tell you that I took it personally. However I have been able to change that way of thinking by simply acknowledging that people change and we have no control over that. It’s an impermanent thing, relationships. Even when we think they should’nt be we are just fooling ourselves. Personally I found that letting her go and improving myself created a stronger attraction from her. Good luck.

I am really confused. We've invested a lot of time but...... I don't want sex with him. He was sexting someone else and it didn't bother me. I want him to be happy. I also want to be happy.

Than is it confusion? or apprehension on beginning the end of the marriage. Like untangling a huge ball of string. Has it been years feeling like this?
I get how upsetting the time investment is. We almost went our separate ways and it would have been hard. Although we have been talking honestly and more freely than any other time in our marriage. So, now, if we do split we will both understand why. A mutual decision. And we’re family after all this time so we really can never ‘lose’ eachother. Hopefully you two can get to that clear understanding. Where it’s no ones fault. Doesn’t have to be seen as failing, just changing.

I am wondering if it is that you are at the point that some women reach where their desire for sex period does dwindle. You are young to be premenopausal, but fading hormone levels (estrogen for us--- testosterone for the guys) can really kill desire or libidos) If that is the case, maybe check with your physician or gyno.

The fact that you don't desire sex with him, and aren't really upset with him sexting another woman says something too. Mentioning you BOTH being happy tells me as whynotme mentioned

Maybe this is more apprehension on the beginning of the end? For you two, this could very well be amicable. And something you both are ready to explore?

Good luck finding what does make you both happy. Hugs

Queen is correct. First eliminate the obvious. Are your problems physical? From your tone, I suspect they are not.

I would also recommend a Gottman certified counselor. They are not the be-all end-all, but I prefer them. They have decades of research to back up their methods and are very plain spoken.

Another thing I would recommend is an honest and open conversation with your spouse. While it is not always going to be your own private amusement park, the way you live and your commitment to each other should honor God. Damage has already occurred. I suspect that you were your son's primary care giver and dedicated most of your attention and energy to him and not your husband. Men just do not work that way. Right or wrong, the relationship did not receive the ongoing attention and nurturing all marriages need, from either of you. He is no less responsible than you. But he is not here, you are. If he were, I assure you I would say that to him also.

Now you are withholding your body from your husband and he is texting others. This is plainly not what anyone has intended. Your communication is broken, stonewalling is present and contempt is likely in your future. You both need professional help. If nothing else, you can establish an honest dialog that can get to the roots of the issues and you two can decide the next steps. The counselor, if they are professional, will not decide for you. You two have to do that. They will give you the tools; it is up to you to use them or not.

I too wish the very best for you and I hope you and your husband can find the life God intends for you. Peace,

Hi- Have you talked to a doctor regarding intimacy? I have a friend who is going through the same experience and they decided to discuss it with their primary physician, they received some suggestions and advice to help their marriage.

One of my friend is also starting to get sad knowing that her son is going to college this fall. My son is going to college next year, he is my only child and I pray before that happens, I will be prepared and ready to let him go. Our kids leaving for college is a mixed of worry and sadness. Some of my friends chose to work part time to cope with empty nest syndrome.
Thank you for sharing this, I will be praying for you. God bless your family.

I also have 2 older step sons and 4 granddaughters that are in the mix. We have talked a little, but it is just uncomfortable. I am really making an effort, but it seems different somehow. I know that my grief of my son leaving is effecting it too. I am trying to find out who I am without him there. I know he isn't dying gone, but it just somehow feels very final and sad. I am trying to make a better effort to spend time. I know we aren't the same people that got married and we have grown in different directions. I don't know if it is possible to come back to a place where we can be us again.

Hi I 100 percent agree with finallyawakenow "Hopefully you two can get to that clear understanding. Where it’s no ones fault. Doesn’t have to be seen as failing, just changing.

That is it in a nutshell.Talk and be honest and upfront.All people are different.
Some people view and have a different interpretation of love and the changes that life brings and the unavoidable evolution of life and people themselves brings these feelings to the surface.I feel the advice finallyawakenow gave should be heeded. Are you attracted to someone else
Is there something that can change where you will be attracted to him?Hugs

I know the uncomfortable feeling of talking when distance has set in It really is like talking with a stranger, because without communication that’s what we become. But that’s not always bad. In my marriage we were actually able to use it to be open with eachother. And the friendship has grown because we are different people now and we are both interested in finding out more about eachother. We have pretty much started over. And this ‘newness’ has been sort of exciting. Not like a new relationship but close. Change is hard but stagnation/complacency is so much worse. I don’t want you to think that I was going right for the divorce option. But, for me, talking about it honestly with my wife was very therapeutic. For us to know that was an option on the table that was accepted by both helped put things in a clearer perspective. Aired out the cobwebs in the attic and made us appreciate (and understand)one another more. Made us aware that living in the moment is the only way to connect in a relationship. Not living in the issues of the past or hoping for a better tomorrow. Now is all we have to share. Makes those efforts more important as they need to be steady and mindful.

When do you let go.
?

Sounds like you.may be with a much older.man..If that be the case the picture is much easier to understand.

I’m not sure when to give up? We have had times when we should have and didn’t. Now is one of those times when it seems to be working. Next few years? I think we’ve turned a corner. Feels different and that’s a good thing. I would go by that. How does the communication feel?

He is 10 years older than me. I still want to do fun things and not become an old lady. He is happy to age gracefully

You sound like my wife or soon to be ex wife. This stage in your life is scary and terrifying for both of you I am sure. I can tell you that I strongly believe that his Sexting another woman is probably him trying to reach out to you and hoping you feel jealous and be closer to him. I can also tell you that what you feel towards him is not just towards him but because of the change in your life regarding your son's leaving to college soon. I have the same exact situation. She finally got courageous enough to ask for the divorce and I am scarred and terrified of what is going to happen next or what my life is going to be after being married to her for 25 years. In my heart I think it's better we part ways but in reality there's this sick feeling in my that is fighting this scenario. I think in the long term it would probably be better to both of us but it is not easy accepting this and going through it. I keep thinking of the years we spent, the memories, the agonies.... And I keep thinking of what is going to happen to me and who is going to accept me. I feel ugly, fat, guilty, ashamed, scarred, lonely,.... You name it. I don't know what to make out of anything anymore.