My story....

I met my husband in 2010, started dating in 2011 and then married in Sept of 2014. We had our normal ups and downs of a relationship, but after we got engaged I noticed that he was being more difficult with things he didn't seem to have problems with before. About 6ish months before we were to be married we had a huge fight. I had gone and spent time with a friend and told her that maybe I shouldn't marry him, and just wait for the man I know I have always loved. (Best friend of now almost 30years, but he was in & out of prison at that time). She told me I should do whatever I felt I should do. After going back home and talking with the now husband, against my judgement, I married him. Then within the first year of marriage, I noticed he no longer wanted to have sex with me. I of course thought it was me and did things to "change" for him to be more appealing to him. NOTHING worked! Then I found out that he was "chatting" with a woman that he worked with. Things blew up. We talked about "fixing" our problems, but that was as far as it ever went. I even went as far as meeting this woman and having a chat with both of them together. This only helped for a short time. Their talks stopped being sexual, and when he would try, she would remind him about "our" talk. He continued to "look" for someone to hook up with and would have nothing to do with me. We fought all the time and there was never anything to be happy about. Finally, in November of 2016, my husband and I decided that our marriage was over. There was no turning back or fixing anything. It was done. 

While all of this was going on my best friend, Josh, ended up back in prison, and we talked weekly on the phone. I had been telling him about everything that was going on and he was as supportive as he could be. One day while on the phone with him, (this was before my husband and I made our decision), I hypothetically said to him "if my marriage fails, when you come home, we should try again". (We had dated when we were teenagers and again in '06). Next thing I knew I was getting this 5-page letter from him "explaining" his thoughts on the matter. He told me that he's always cared deeply for me, but because of his life choices, he kept his distance from me because he didn't want to hurt me or my daughter. That he felt that if there was such a thing as soulmates or two people meant for each other, he felt we were it. He explained some of his illegal past that I only knew parts of, because he kept it from me, and asked me at the end that knowing what I knew now, and it not being all of it, if I would even still want to be with him. Without hesitation, I said yes. Him and I talked about different aspects of us "being together". But since I was still with my husband, and we hadn't ended anything yet, Josh and I were not going to happen until my husband and I were over. Then in October of 2016, I started to go see him more in prison. I was going once a week. Nothing was going on at this point. We were strictly still on friend terms. In the meantime, my marriage fell completely apart, and I had told Josh about this. Next thing I know, in December of 2016, Josh and I started a real relationship. Granted, it's not a traditional relationship due to him being in prison, and having 4-7 years left depending on if his early release is granted or not. Although many wouldn't agree with my choices, I honestly haven't been happier. To have someone in my corner that is supportive, listens when I need it, speaks when I need to be put in my place, yet doesn’t degrade me or my feelings. I know that when he does come home, there is always a chance of him going back to his old ways and go back to prison, which scares that absolute crap out of me, but I truly hope that I am the key to that not happening again. Time will only tell as far as that goes. 

So here we are, just over a year after my husband and I decided to split, and we are still married, and even living together yet. Every time we talk about getting the divorce going and how we are going to split things, it’s all agreeable and with little to no arguments. What has been stopping a lot of things is the financial part of it all. Neither of us can really afford to move, we can afford to take care of ourselves, just not the actual cost of moving. And then there is the cost of the divorce. That's costly too. So here we sit, wanting to move on, yet not having the financial ability to do anything about it. It's frustrating!!

Given all of this, there are times I just want to scream and cry like a child having a tantrum. I miss Josh to no end, I just want him to be with me. I want my husband to get the heck out of here, or for myself to move out. And right now, in my life, there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it! I get so mad sometimes I just want to cry, which may help my mood a little, but I just can't seem to cry it out! Which just frustrates me more.

How does one deal with this emotion?? How do be the person I need to be, when I just want to lash out? How do I remain strong for the love of my life when he has so much time left? I wonder if I’m strong enough to handle the struggles that come along with having someone you care about in prison? I have no intention of going anywhere. Just like I told him when he first went back to prison, "we may not be married, but you are stuck with me, I'm not going anywhere". And I meant every word. He's been my best friend for so long, no matter what our relationship status is, I would never walk away from him. Just with all the other emotions flying around, I doubt my strength. Reminding myself how much I love him and that I’m not going anywhere helps. But it’s still a struggle somedays.

Suggestions???