Nice to hear from you ESL. I am sorry your still having a hard time. But as birthdays and holidays come up I find myself doing much of the same. Missing being a part of things as they used to be when times were happy. It will certainly be tough times but maybe you could have your own celebration with your son so you don't have to go torment yourself with her family. Hang in there. It will get better. This first holiday season is hard for me too. You will get through it.

Hi, Broken...that's how I described myself at first, too...broken. My wife told me she was through with our relationship in May of 2015. I don't know how I got through those first weeks at all...I thought I was losing my mind!

I'm a female as well, so my spouse and i have not been legally married for long, although we've been together for sixteen years. I don't have very high hopes for a fair settlement in the courts.

I am here to tell you that you are better off without your ex. I am so sorry that he's essentially abandoned his own kids for his fling, but that's what childish, self-centered people do. Unfortunately, you must do your utmost to keep your children's lives as stable as possible.

You are stronger than you know. I have felt completely broken for months, but retaining my own attorney has helped to give me confidence. My soon to be ex wanted me to select the attorney that HER attorney suggested...not very likely, LOL!

Anyway, each day, tell yourself that you are strong and capable. Repeat as often as necessary. It really works. You and I and everyone else on this forum will get through this, I swear.

With that said, I know I am never going to marry again! : )

Sorry, ESL...wrong thread. I'm new to this forum and thought I was on Broken's thread.

I know what you are going through, but how can you be there for him if your not really yourself because of the anxiety and grief. Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself while you heal. That is the best way to serve in your sons best interest. Good luck.

ESL. I have a similar story. Wife left me abruptly and moved in with another man 4 months later. I lost my love, my best friend, see my kids now only half the time, lost a lot of money, know now that I will probably only see my kids for half of the holidays for the rest of my life. But also a real hard part is realizing what we had together wasn't real because she was working in a stealth operation and thinking exit strategy at the same time acting like she loved me and everything was ok. It blows my mind. This type of scenario occurs a lot and seems typical but it really is an incredible hurt that is indescribable. The other hard part is never really understanding, never truly getting the answers or never finding closure. I think when I was a kid, I was able to bounce back from big dissapointments, but as I grow older, this disappointment will probably stay with me for the rest of my life. Constantly wondering "Why?" Why, Why, Why? .... Why? It never stops.

The only thing to do is move forward. Even though it sucks it is your only choice and the only choice for the rest of us who have been dumped. Thankfully, over time, the pain grows less, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year.

Everyone is right when they say go out and socialize. Do activities. Get hobbies. Workout. etc. I think it really does help. Also, focus on self improvement. Again, is your only option.

If I were you, I would go to the party and bit the bullet. Because it will just be harder down the road when you want to got your kids 5th, 8th, 13th, graduation parties etc. The sooner you get it over with and break the ice, the sooner you will learn to grow comfortable going to your ex house or ex parent in laws house for parties with for your kids. I can see how it will be hard for you, but I think you will thank yourself in retrospect later in a few years. Just my opinion. Not saying you have to take my suggestion. But it is what I did and I am glad that I don't feel uncomfortable any more going to kids events with my ex.

Thank you all... I am still not sure what ill do, I guess it will be a lets see how I feel that morning... either way im going to be upset, either home alone, or there being fake. I'm just not sure which way is best for me and my son.

I agree with newbegin2012. Find a way to go. Put on your best face (don't drink any alcohol...do everything you can to maintain yourself while there) & celebrate your child with the other people who also love him. Don't let any of it be about you.

THEN I recommend you have a good friend waiting for you after (where you might want that drink...) who will hear you out & hold your hand while you recount what it was like for you.

Do this for yourself & your child, it will turn out to have been the right thing later, even though it feels awful now.

I have therapy tomorrow, im going to talk it over there... but I did mention it last week, and the suggestion was for me to protect myself and my feelings. My son will be 3... odds are he wont remember this party... but I will, and feel guilty about not going, but I also feel me going is more for my ex... for her to put on a show to her entire family that look everything is just fine. I dunno... ;o(

I'm going to go against the majority opinion here and suggest you NOT go to the party. I've read your past posts and I know you still have strong feelings and deep fresh wounds from what your going through. If you go, it will only keep those wounds open. What's worse, is you may become emotional infront of your son and everyone at the party.

She left you in a really bad way. Don't go back. Send a message. Ask her when the party ends and then tell her your coming at that time to pick up your son so that the two of you can celebrate yourselves. Or do it the next day.

You ask how to let go and that you are haunted by the good memories. There is nothing wrong with the good memories, but the woman who you know now is not the same one from those good memories. How do you let go? Think of the person that she is now. Think of the person who discarded you and the family life you had planned for another man. You have done a lot to show you that you still love her, but she has been cold to those messages. There isn't any going back, things have changed forever.

The lives of you and your stbx wife will always intersect with your son. However, it doesn't sound like you and her have settled into the new and more distant relationship yet. You need time and room to heal and grow. With all due respect, It sounds like she has made more progress on moving on than you have. Start making those first steps toward moving on and tell her what time your picking up your son to celebrate his birthday.

Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes. We are all hoping for you.

Remember that WE can do hard things. It will take everything you have but I would go to the party, put that fake smile on that we all wear so often and show them that you are strong and amazing. It's hard to do those firsts (you know, first birthday, Christmas, trips, family gatherings) but eventually we have to face them. Go and hold yourself together as best as you can and break down later if you must. I can't tell you how many times I have cried in my car. In the scheme of this journey we find ourselves on, our kids are the most important part. They are all that matter!!!! If you want to have your own celebration and skip the one your dreading do it, no need to add more stress while you're healing, but don't let the fear and worry of this day keep you from going. This really is your decision, no one will think less of you if you don't go. My counselor told me to prepare myself for these hard days and just knowing they'll be hard I have been able to face them head on. I'm tired of running from them, I'm tired of worrying about them, I'm just plain tired.

This is our life now and it sucks but it's up to us to pull ourselves together and continue on, somehow.

We know how you feel, we're here for you no matter what you decide. I was also wondering if you had anyone you could take with you, a sibling or relative for moral support? Just a thought. Hugs!

I think that discussing your attendance with your therapist is a great idea. It would be ideal if you went but you may not be emotionally ready and that's okay. It's better that you celebrate with your son separately than go and bring tension to the event.

The first set of holidays and birthdays after divorce or separation can be really difficult. You might want to consider Divorce Care's one session seminar, Surviving the Holidays. I took it last year and it was helpful to have some strategies going into the holiday season.

I would not go to the party. You can start now to make your own special traditions with your son. Your already hurting don't put yourself in an awkward situation where you have to be fake. Take care of yourself and your son.

I don't know your whole story, but you sound like you want to show up for your son. Is there any way you can stop by for 10 minutes as the party is breaking up? I don't see any need to stay for hours. Your son will only notice that you showed up. He is very young and they don't have much of a concept of time at age 3.

All, thank your responses.. I haven't been on for a while and wanted to update you... I decided that I should take the higher road and be an adult... my son deserves the best from me and that's me to be as strong as possible. I texted her the day before the party and offered help, she was thankful and had me pick up a few things... I got there an hour before the party and helped set up. Once the party started, everyone came to me open arms to say hello, some asked how I was, I just said ok. I kept my distance for the most part, a few of her friends that I was very close with came and sat with me a lot, it was nice, but I focused on my kids. She acted like we were a happy family, I ignored it most times. I was respectful, but kept my distance from everyone... I don't think I said more then a hello to her Mom whom I loved. The next day I texted her mom to apologize for being distant, that it was hard for me. She was happy I texted and thought I was mad at her, she understood and said she loves me and misses me. More importantly the entire night my kids were by my side, they seek me out all night, if I wasn't with in there view despite all family and friends they would look for me and only me. in the end I was glad I went, although hard, I made it work.

Thanks for the update, sounds like things went well, I'm sure it was a relief for you and probably your ex too!!!! Divorce is a struggle for everyone regardless of what side you're on and what I've found is being the bigger person does pay off, eventually!