Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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I have been a single mom for most of my 17 year old son's life. I had tried to keep his bio dad involved in his life and invited him to special events which he usually if he showed up was drunk or high. He missed his son's 8th grade graduation , senior game for football, etc.
He rarely sees his son and rarely calls him. I texted him over the summer to share information and pictures since our son was traveling overseas and I got back the response " leave me alone and stop texting me." His dad has been seeing a woman who has three kids in high school who seemed normal and stable. We all attended a funeral for my son's biolgical grandfather and it was awkward but i attended out of respect. Recently, I reached out to the girlfriend to invite her to my son's upcoming graduation thinking maybe she could help his dad attend, and instead of saying no thank you or even being civil, she became beligerant and unloaded a bunch of negativity about me( who she doesn't know) said I was brainwashing my son, and that he would be better if I had killed myself. She said horrible things about my son as well and then ended with I had no fashion sense ( keep in mind she looks like she shopped in the garbage bins). I showed the texts to my son ( which in retrospect I regret) and he grew understandably angry and called his dad. He wants nothing to do with the girlfriend or his dad. His father has texted me that he wants no communication with me and that I am too controlling and that he wants to communicate with his son directly about scheduling time . He didn't drive and lost his license due to drunk driving, so I do have rules such as no drinking or smoking around my son but he rarely if ever adhered to these. I know that with his graduation coming up , my son has said that he doesn't want his dad there since he was rarely if ever there for him growing up. He feels like the only time his dad communicates is he, his dad sees his name in the paper for sports or being a top student in our community. I feel like his dad should be there , and would appreciate any and all thoughts?
That said, he should be able to talk directly to his son.
I think it's great that you have tried to get his dad to care and involve his girlfriend...but they have clearly shown you where they stand. You can't make unhealthy people, behave in healthy ways...no matter how many good points you present them.
All you end up doing is stressing yourself out...and become the one who looks crazy.
I think what you should do is let it go. If your son clearly sees that it bothers you...it will bother him. Perhaps reassure him about how proud you are of him (which I am sure you already do) and maybe not even include the dad's absence in any of the conversations.
Your son knows he's not an available parent, and doesn't need to be reminded of it on his special day. Just go about making extra special for him, don't bring up the lack of the dad or the effects of it.
Carry on like it's the best day....with or without his dad...and just don't mention him. If he shows up, he shows ups.
Sending you light and love.
It's best for him to seek guidance, approval from good men who are there for him...rather than chase an emotionally absent, sporadic father.
Sending you light and love!
Often times kids internalize parents bad behaviors as something they caused. And we grow up...internalizing that same message as adults. To take blame for others bad behaviors.
Definitely drive home the point - your dad's behavior is b/c he is who he is, and has nothing to do with you!
You're a great mom and he's going to have a better life because of your presence!