Maybe some of you can be my sounding board for your impressions of what I am dealing with.

I am 55, a father of 3 teenagers, and have been married for 23 years, and with the same person for 31 years, whom I do love on some level.

My dad's name was Ed, and he was the classic "steady Eddy" and I'm not far from that description.  I take my marriage seriously, I don't drink, don't smoke, never hit a person in my life, help others, and tried to be a good role model.  I plan things out, work hard, have been at the same company for over 20 years, and took myself from being in debt with college loans of over 50k to having money in the bank and a paid off house.

Now my wife wants to buy another house and move out, but wants to keep it "open" that maybe we would get back together.

Its a complicated dynamic where my wife is very close with our middle 16 year old daughter, probably co-dependent, and she lets her do whatever she wants - from bringing home a 10 rescue dogs at a time without telling me, to buying her a truck and dirt bikes and a camper without us discussing it, etc., etc.  Then when I get a little nervous or even cranky because the barking dogs are keeping me from doing my work at home, or when I question why did she need a THIRD dirt bike, they call me grumpy and a negative person.  It has been a pattern of me going along with my wife's ideas to try to keep her happy, then, because we have different interests or priorities, there are conflicts.  Maybe I should have figured it out a long time ago when she and her family demanded that I change my religion to theirs, or else they didn't think we should  get married.  I even went to "conversion" classes, and I (yes, I) got kicked out of the class because my wife didn't want to attend the classes with me because she "already knew" about her religion.  Nevermind that I was the only idiot in the classes sitting by myself, when all the other couples were there TOGETHER.  So, fast forward 23 years and nothing has changed I suppose.

Now, the latest is she thinks it would be just fine for her to go and buy a tiny house on 10 acres for 200k because she might want to have some animals and some chickens and so Hannah can tear around on her dirt bikes, and she will also try to take our middle child, Eli (who is 14 and has the best head on his shoulders of all of us, to tell the truth).  The oldest - who is 18 and hopefully headed for college in September - has Aspergers, has been a whirlwind to parent (and I was the one taking her to doctors, counselors, getting medicine, picking her up from school when she got expelled, and so on.... ), and the first year of college is going be a challenge (to say the least).  But, conveniently, my wife now wants to move away from me and from where our oldest child will be at college during this time of transition.

My question is, if a person thinks they can spend a huge chunk of the family savings without building a consensus with her husband, isn't something wrong?  I know it is, but I need to deal with the reality.  She is basically already saying that since half is hers, she can spend what she wants up to half.  

If a couple can't make major decisions together, and she wants to move over 2 hours away and split up the family, then, I don't know what's the point of being married?  Nevermind that any romance went out the window at least 5 years ago.  She's the kind of person that if I ever thought of kissing her lately, she reminds me of the last 10 things she thinks I did wrong to push away.  Usually those are things like when I got upset when she brought 10 dogs home without telling me in advance and discussing it - and she wonders why I lost my cool for a couple minutes.  What she conveniently forgets is that she makes what I call "major" decisions all the time without discussing it with me.

  
I have considered that maybe I have a temper, but, I have never had any issues with getting upset with anyone else in my entire life.  Then I think that most people don't have as many surprising things come up because their spouse would have the courtesy to build a consensus on such things - so most people would never be put in such positions.  But, I have begun to delve into the notion that I could have a temper and I'm more than willing to work on it.  And, she says that is part of what she doesn't like - that I am "negative" and "grumpy" and I should just let her and  Hannah do whatever they want and be happy about it - nevermind that I think dirt-biking is dangerous, expensive, and has distracted from her school (she probably won't graduate from high school due to all of her "interests" that I am supposed to be supporting financially - but, I am the poor parent for being concerned, she says, because I am not totally "supportive".... ?).

Anyway, it seems to me that I should just let her go, and I should try to get myself into some kind of counseling or support group to start to deal with all of this and try to build a new life for myself.  I don't like myself when I get upset.  But, in my parent's relationship that lasted their whole life til we lost dad a few years ago - I saw that when two people love and respect each other, they try to make things easier for each other, not harder.  They work together, not against each other.  They gave each other the courtesy not to surprise or shock each other with rash decisions or decisions that impact their partner or the family.  So, I know it is possible and that things don't have to be this way.  I just want a simple life that is steady and happy, without all of the rash decisions and barking dogs and loud dirtbikes and medical bills because this bone or that bone was broken last week while dirtbiking or snowboarding (oh, yeah, Hannah has two snowboards that were more expensive than my car - another thing they think I am "grumpy" about for questioning when they didn't discuss with me why a 16 year old needs such fancy snowboards, dirtbikes, a camper - so she can go train out of state in the winter of course.....).

I just need to figure out what to do and find the courage to do it - and just let her go, I suppose.

And then my wife and Hannah will have to live with their own choices, and I can go back to being carefree again.   ??

Any thoughts would be appreciated.  
Thanks. 
Cheers.  Trying to keep the chin up.