I need some guidance. I am currently separated from my husband (SK)of 5 years. We have been together for 12! We started dating when we were 16 years old. We ended up getting pregnant right after high school but I lost the baby when I was 8 months pregnant. That was the start of everything!!!! I felt alone and confused at 19 years old. SK was not there for me emotionally at all and in the process of healing I thought the only way to make the pain go away was to have another baby! I begged SK to have one and he didn't want to. During this time I became closer to God because I felt I had no one to help me through. A year and a half later sean came to me after he found out his best friend was having a baby and said he was willing to stop using protection and if we have a baby then we just have one. Well at this point I was really conflicted because I was starting this new path in my faith but I also wanted a baby to complete me! Well on a Sunday afternoon I told SK that I could no longer have sex with him because I wanted to wait until I was married...that following Saturday I found out I was pregnant!! I was so happy but sad at the same time. I stuck to my guns and didn't have sex with SK until he proposed a year and a half later!!! When he proposed he did so in front of my family...I just couldn't say no so I said yes. I thought it was something I should do because I had this baby..he never cheated on me..he loves me..and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. A year later I was walking down the aisle. The whole time I was walking down I wanted to turn around and run. I didn't want to marry him. I just told myself that I will marry him and I prayed that God would change my heart and let me love him the way a wife should..well 2 1/2 years later SK sat me down and told me that he cheated on me while I was pregnant and right after I gave birth with 3 different girls. I was devastated and instantly regretted marrying him. He told me that he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't be with him. The next day I cheated on him. I instantly told him but continued to talk to the guy for another month until SK found out! We then decided to go to counseling with our pastor and his wife at our church. We did this for a 5 months and they gave us the tools to help us with the marriage but the whole time I knew I didn't want to be there! After we stopped going to counseling my husband became somewhat emotionally abusive towards me. Part of me felt as if I deserved it because i cheated during the marriage and made him feel this way! I asked him to get help and maybe even g back to our pastor but he didn't and all the tools that were given to us we stopped using. I started going out to clubs more just so I wouldn't have to be home. It had been a year and a half since the infidelity on my part and I had started to get back on track with my faith. I asked SK if he could start back leading and he said he couldn't lead us anymore. At that moment I felt the need to move on. In May I told him I wanted a divorce. He immediately went against it. From that time to now it has been a lot of different emotions in both sides. He started to get back close with God (reading the word, praying with me and the children). But we have been through this many times before. Told him I want a divorce then he does everything to keep me and when I stay fall back in the same pattern. In June I moved back in with my parents with our 2 children. While there I really reflected in the marriage and came to the conclusion that we shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. SK has been telling me that I am going against God and that I need to stay in the marriage even if I don't think I should. I have battled with this also! I don't want to disappoint God!!! I feel like I don't even have a good reason to get the divorce! But every time I think about going back home I have like a mini anxiety attack! I'm not saying it's all of SK's fault because I wasn't the wife I should have been. I told SK that if I knew what I do now about marriage I wouldn't have married him at 23 years old even if we did haves kid. He tells me that's it's too late now because we are married and that we need to stay married! I feel terrible because I know he loves me and I think he's really trying to do right by us right now but I honestly feel the need to move on! However I don't want to disappoint God and go against Him! I hear this all the time. I'm afraid of moving on because SK is all I've ever known and I have 2 kids. I'm also afraid of going back to my marriage because of all the arguing and because my heart isn't in it. I know the Bible says forget about my happiness and I need to do what's in the Bible! SK has told me this many times and sent me scriptures based on it. I really don't know what to do and I don't know any Christain women who have been through divorce..let alone one that asked for one and hasn't been cheated on by their husband.