Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
In October I found out my stbx was up to and had been up to some horrendously awful antics regarding me / him and our relationship -Cheating / hiding a camera to take video of us to share with his friends /trying to set up swinging sessions (which I am NOT into) among other things. When I found out I moved my stuff out immediately and filed for emergency divorce. He is a complete narcissist, I am a complete codependent the separation and ensuing divorce has been hell to put it mildly.
When everything came to light I obviously leaned on my friends, one of which who happens to be closer to another woman in our couple group of friends. They discussed, then discussed with other couple friends and then decided that based on the character he obviously lacks their husbands are forbidden from having anything farther to do with my ex. I found out about all of this two days ago when I received a woe is me text from my ex stating that he had been informed he is no longer welcome to be part of the group.
He is one of those guys who is a larger than life extrovert who lives for large group gatherings and is always the center of any event. He is devastated. I am more of an introvert who prefers the company of a few good friends and on many occasions would simply prefer a glass of wine and a good book. I had already written this group off as they were his friends when we got together and they accepted me as his partner. Why must sides always be chosen?
One of his favorite lines is every action has an equal reaction and in his text to me he stated how he guesses he is living proof of this very thing. I agree with this entirely but then why do I feel so guilty that this group has rallied around me while leaving him when he needs someone to lean on as well? Why cant I stop caring and just let him deal with the consequences of his actions instead of feeling like somehow I need to fix this for him?
When everything came to light I obviously leaned on my friends, one of which who happens to be closer to another woman in our couple group of friends. They discussed, then discussed with other couple friends and then decided that based on the character he obviously lacks their husbands are forbidden from having anything farther to do with my ex. I found out about all of this two days ago when I received a woe is me text from my ex stating that he had been informed he is no longer welcome to be part of the group.
He is one of those guys who is a larger than life extrovert who lives for large group gatherings and is always the center of any event. He is devastated. I am more of an introvert who prefers the company of a few good friends and on many occasions would simply prefer a glass of wine and a good book. I had already written this group off as they were his friends when we got together and they accepted me as his partner. Why must sides always be chosen?
One of his favorite lines is every action has an equal reaction and in his text to me he stated how he guesses he is living proof of this very thing. I agree with this entirely but then why do I feel so guilty that this group has rallied around me while leaving him when he needs someone to lean on as well? Why cant I stop caring and just let him deal with the consequences of his actions instead of feeling like somehow I need to fix this for him?
I would never be part of their life again. Period.
That's not about picking sides, it's about feeling safe.
Hidden camera? I mean really? I could never even use the bathroom in his house...ever.
People often feel the need to choose sides in breakups/divorces, sometimes it makes sense and other times it's baffling. But in this case, I can easily see how none of them want to associate with him, given his actions.
You said you are "a complete codependent." I struggled a lot with codependency and enabling in my relationship and ensuing divorce and I've worked on it a lot in the past 2 years. I think it's easy when we have that mentality to want to fix things for people who are reaping the bad that they've sown. You don't have to delight in his misfortune, I'm not saying that, but try to look at it this way: he's getting the natural consequences of his actions. You cannot change or control that, and you don't need to feel guilty or responsible for it.
I know it is easier said than done, my Ex has gotten himself into quite a bit of trouble, both legally and socially, some of it started back when we were together but I didn't know about it. When I start to feel bad for him, or like I need to "fix" it for him, I just remind myself that it's out of my control and that I need to focus on my own mental health and healing, and happiness. And he needs to work on his.
((HUGS))
I understand feeling guilty. I keep saying I'm going to give guilt up and I see that it is a daily practice. You and I would both do well to understand that our ex-husbands to be are grown ups and that they would do best to take care of themselves and their emotional needs, If your friends choose not to hang out with him, he will either sit under a rock and feel sorry for himself or he will find a different network of friends or support.
Just as you did not choose for your husband to take secret photos of you--you also did not rally your friends around you. They chose to do the rallying. Pray for the best for your ex to be, that he find healing and move on with yours. He obviously didn't take care of you in the way you needed, now he needs to take care of himself--and that's his business now.
While I write this to you I am cognizant of a lesson for me as well!
Sending you hope, cheer, and better times ahead. And I do hope your statement "Life doesn't get easier you just get stronger" is not altogether true, because I want mine to get easier--or at least more fun!
Take care of you now.
Sending a hug.