Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

stevemoon 01/20/2009

I would like to ask opinions of any concerning children attending church during divorce and separation. I have a 14 YO daughter who has been attending church with me for several months, and she seems to enjoy it, at least the social interactions with her new friends there, as well as the ability to see more of her heart as she comforts and/or prays with others in church. the stbx and I share custody, loosely one week here, one week there. This week our daughter is with her. Tonight is drama practice at the church, and my daughter really wants to attend, as she finally this past week got an actual part in a drama, and she is excited about it. But she will lose out on it if she misses practice.

the ex is insisting on our daughter staying with her tonight as this is 'her' week.

She also threw out there that if I gave her more grocery money she would let her go.

So, my statement, I feel the ex is wrong to keep our daughter from church, just as I would think she was wrong to keep our daughter from a school function that she wanted to go to.

My question, how would you handle this???

deleted_user 01/20/2009

Is she hurting for grocery money? If so and you have it, give it. It's kind of sleazy but if you've put her in a desperate financial situation, F. it, the kids gotta eat.

stevemoon 01/20/2009

Everyone is hurting for money. I pay for the house and all utilities, and give additional money every week for groceries and the like. The money I pay is much more than I earn, I have liquidated our retirement to support us all. But so far, no one has missed any payments, nor any meals.

deleted_user 01/20/2009

Your ex is wrong for doing this. She's using your daughter as a pawn. She should be ashamed.

But what options do you have? It stinks, but if I could, I would pay so my daughter wouldn't miss out.

deleted_user 01/20/2009

Hmmm pretty sleezy. I wouldn't do it. She's trying to what do you call it, black mail? No, there's another word that escapes me.

I'd tell her you'll trade some of your time for hers. If it's so loose as you say, she's really being low down, huh?

patti22 01/20/2009

Yep...it's wrong.

She's 14 and should have a say in where she goes (within reason). Will she switch to another day? Is she afraid that she'll have to pay child support if your daugher stays with you more?

deleted_user 01/20/2009

I think she's making the wrong decision.....she is only hurting your daughter by doing this.....I don't understand her decision at all, it's manipulating behavior on her part. UGH! What people will do.....makes me crazy.....

stevemoon 01/20/2009

#1. I do not wish to hurt my daughter
#2. I do not wish to fight with the ex

This is the order of my priorities. I will not fight with her to get her to 'allow' our daughter to attend church, but I will definately bring it up at our mediation in 2 weeks. Hopefully we will come to a settlement then. I am so for doing all of this peacefully, with minimal damage to the kids. but she is making it so hard. It frustrates and angers me, and I hold it in, as I have only one outlet for this all, and that is through prayer.

To quote Rodney King, why can't we all just get along?

stevemoon 01/20/2009

mary, The word you may be looking for is extortion, thats how it feels.
patti, she is not worried about paying child support, she doesn't work, she states she wants to. I moved out 9 months ago, and she hasn't found a job in all that time, and frankly probably hasn't really looked much.

deleted_user 01/20/2009

I wouldn't give her any money. Chances are it isn't for groceries. If she is short of food, go shopping and give her the food. At 14 your daughter should be able to go to church or were ever (within reason of course) on her own. Unless you live a long way apart. Is this custody arrangement in writting? ordered by a legal authority? One week on/ one off sounds really unstable under the best of circumstances. If it isnt in writting, go buy some groceries tell your daughter to be ready at whatever time, take the food, pick up your daughter and go to church. Your ex will get over it. she is only using this poor kid as a power tool. I could never understand why people take out their anger through their kids..

deleted_user 01/20/2009

In the end, your priority is encouraging your daughter's involvement in this program.

I personally would throw her the grocery money, let her live with her conscience and enjoy the evening with your daughter. Your stbx should be ashamed of herself.

veeachjay 01/20/2009

I'm so sorry (((((Steve))))) She is trying to control the situation and not being fair to your daughter. Has your daughter talked to her mom about this?

deleted_user 01/20/2009

I don't feel qualified to give advice on this topic, but I wanted to send you a hug, Steve. (((Steve)))

deleted_user 01/20/2009

If you have mediation in 2 weeks, I'd say to bite your tongue and let it go and discuss it then. Yes, it's unfair to your daughter, but as you said, not fighting with the ex is a priority. Let the mediator ask her why she is taking this stance.

stevemoon 01/20/2009

I don't care about the money. A check came in, a refund of overpaid property taxes, about 1400. It came to the house, and after she found out she couldn't cash it wothout me, she called me and asked for it. I could give it to her, or split it with her, whatever. I just hate the manipulation. I'll probably offer her the money if she stops interfering with our daughters desire to attend church regularly. Its truly amazing to me, to see her blossom, to see her grow. Its like I can see God working on her heart, right in front of me. Its one of life's mysterys, one of life's miracles really.
Vicky, no my daughter can not talk to her because she will get brow beaten. The ex can not hear her, or talk to her, only dictate to her.
Nova, thank you, much appreciation to you, always.

deleted_user 01/20/2009

I can say this for a fact, that if you give her that money, it will not stop her. She will insist on more money or other things. You are setting a precedent.

Join the Conversation