Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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mamacoxx4 04/12/2013

I didn't even consider going back to my maiden name,or choosing a new one until one of my daughters announced a couple days ago she didn't want her last name anymore..then my other daughter added she feels the same way..she even made a sign for her bedroom using my maiden name as her last name. Now this has started me thinking..and the idea sounds right for at least me and our 19 year old daughter. We also have 3 young daughters 11,9 and 8. Only the 8 yr old wants to keep her current name, but also said she wants the same as me..as a background I was married over 20 yrs..all horribly abusive..literally lucky me and my girls are still alive. He hasn't seen them since Aug..no calls since Oct..only granted supervised visitation that hasn't happened yet. Our 11 and 9 yr old said they will refuse to participate in visitation. Changing name has nothing to do with him, just after living in violence and fear it feels like an opportunity for us to mark a new start. Have asked girls if they want to keep current last name and just add new one, 2 say want no part of current name at all, little one says that would make her happy. Has anyone asked courts for permission to change last names? and if so,do they grant?? thanks all!!

deleted_user 04/12/2013

I don't think I would be changing the names of the kids, even with all that went on. You are an adult, as is your oldest daughter (although a young adult), so you both can decide that for yourself. The others are too young to really consent to such a thing. Kids also blow with the wind, so what they want one day they may not the next. I would leave the kids' names as are. They can legally change them when they're adults if they want to. I never liked my first name when I was a kid and was always going to change it when I was old enough (although I have no idea what to), but then I grew up and it didn't bother me anymore. It would also be a HUGE slap in the face to your ex. I can see why you would want to disassociate yourself with him, but the kids are a different matter. My father was a verbally abusive alcoholic the whole time I was growing up, and I was all too happy to get married and change my name. However, 25 years later, he has totally turned his life around and now is quite pleasant to be around. Had I changed my name on him when he was at his worst, I fear it would have permanently damaged our relationship. I had nothing to do with him while he was abusive after he moved out, but had re-established contact before I got married, and was pleased to find he was a different person. So please consider all of this when looking to change your kids' names. The little ones are taking their cues from you, and so possibly is your adult daughter. This seems punative to me. I hope I'm wrong.

Itsaboutmeinlv 04/12/2013

I too was married to an abuser for 24 years. I changed my last name but I am an adult and I no longer wanted anything to do with my ex. I would wait and allow them when they are adults make their own decisions on changing their names. They could just still be upset at the issues but with time all will settle down and then they could rekindle the relationship with their father. I would not allow it at least no till they are of age and mind to make that huge decision. Just my opinion...

deleted_user 04/12/2013

Hi mamacox. My first husband and the father of my son, didn't see him or send him anything after our divorce. After many years, I met someone else and after quite a while, I remarried and that man adopted my son and my first husband agreed to the adoption. In the adoption, we changed the last name of my son.

I agree that you risk creating hostility and potential problems by just going ahead and changing the last name of children that are not of legal age. Your ex hasn't talked to them since October, but that isn't anything like 10 years.

Also, I can't see any court agreeing to legally change the name of any underage child unless BOTH parents agreed to it or you had an unusually sound reason that the child would be negatively impacted without the name change. Just going ahead and using another name for the child can be done, but your ex can take you to court saying you have renamed his children.

The other thing was that I got divorced from my second husband and had no desire to take back my maiden name because it would mean I would have my maiden name and my son would have the name of my second husband. My son and I needed to have the same name and we moved across the country and we made that name ours without anyone connecting my ex-husband to it. My son is an adult and has no regrets about his name.

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