After affairs, separations, absolute out of control spending, I forgave my husband and welcomed him back home with our two littles, 5 &3.  ALthough I forgave him, I never stopped resenting him.  I was mean, hurtful, controlling...everything you wouldn't want to be married to.  2 months ago, he stated he just can't do it, he wants out.  We have an amazing Disney vacation planned in January and he wants to stay married until then and then start the divorce proceedings once we get home.  It is looming over my head; he reminds me every day.  I did the whole trying to show more affection, but he told me it was disgusting.  Hell, I'm disgusted in myself - after everything he has done, why am I feeling so guilty? so lost?

I'm trying to teach the kids that you can be loving toward those who are mean but how many times can I preach that about their own dad?  They ask him continually why he can't get along - you know how innocent a 3 year old sounds asking that?  It's absolutely heart breaking.  We aren't doing them any favors by staying together in this state but when things are good, they are really good.  I feel we're about to tear their worlds apart if we go to Disney only to come home and break their home apart.  

I wish he could flip a switch back to his old self....but that old self is also the one that had multiple affairs.  Why am I looking so hard for something that may have never existed?  How do I stop?