Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Ok, so just like everyone else, I have a story.
My bf and I broke up almost 7 months ago and I am so depressed that Im seeking therapy, depression meds, and sleep meds. I cannot seem to get past this and I would love to get suggestions.
We started dating right out of each of our divorces. We were both married for approx 15 years. It started out as a great friendship and built from there. During our 3 year relationship, we had 2 minor breakups. Nothing major but a couple weeks each. This final one was the biggie and I so wish I could go back in time!!!
We were really in love, talking on our future and raising our kids together and getting married. Problem was we live 30 miles away from each other and our children live even further when with the other parent. When we started getting ready to look for houses to buy he got scared of the distance and travel (long story, but we would have to buy in my area until my kids were out of high school). He got concerned it would cause strain on us. So me being the stubborn gal that I am told him that I no longer wanted to be a part time girlfriend. Stupid Stupid Stupid. We decided to break up. I thought he would at least come up with suggestions on ways to make it work. He did not.
Each month on our anniversary break up I'd reach out via text just to let him know I was thinking of him. On our 3 month breakup I let him know how much I missed him and that I was miserable without him. For over a month we talked/ texted/emailed/ even had 1 visit. We were both on the same page in missing each other. All of a sudden one day his tone changed. He started telling me he had questions/ concerns and not sure he could go back to our relationship. He said "we broke up 3 times. Im not sure I want to go backwards". I get the 3 breakups, but 2 IMO didnt count. This was the doozie. He told me that he was afraid that I would hurt him again. Then from there it started going downhill.
I actually stooped so low I begged him for our relationship back and promised that there would be no more breakups. I realized in our time apart that he was it for me and I would not allow anything to come between us.
Last day of communication was 59 days ago when he told me that he had no more feelings for me and now he was questioning our entire relationship. He feels that we need to move on and date other people.
WHAAAAAAATTTTTTT????!!! Omg. Where did this come from? How could you go just 2 weeks ago and telling me that he missed me so much, couldnt imagine being with anyone else, knowing that in his heart we were meant to be together to no feelings at all?
At that point i realized I couldnt contact him anymore. I didnt want to look anymore foolish. I thought begging him the first time was letting him know what i felt this relationship meant to me and that I was willing to fight for it. Guess that was wrong. Im trying to stick to my guns to not reach out to him. I finally stalked his FB page last week and happily surprised there was no signs of a new woman! I will fight myself in the future cuz one day there will be and I dont think I can handle it.
What advise do you have to help me move on? Part of me thinks he will realize we were meant to be. That for some unknown reason he felt really hurt by it all and had to play hard with me to give him time. Part of me thinks he wants to feel single for awhile since he hasnt been single since his early 20's. Buth then on the other hand, I think he is done.Im the one with the issue of not getting passed this. I think of him all day and night. Cry all the time. I just dont know how to move forward. I know its unhealthy to stay where I am.
How did you do it? How long did it take you? Did you actually find true happiness with someone else or are you still waiting? Im afraid I screwed up my one time true love. I cared for him more than I ever did my husband.
My bf and I broke up almost 7 months ago and I am so depressed that Im seeking therapy, depression meds, and sleep meds. I cannot seem to get past this and I would love to get suggestions.
We started dating right out of each of our divorces. We were both married for approx 15 years. It started out as a great friendship and built from there. During our 3 year relationship, we had 2 minor breakups. Nothing major but a couple weeks each. This final one was the biggie and I so wish I could go back in time!!!
We were really in love, talking on our future and raising our kids together and getting married. Problem was we live 30 miles away from each other and our children live even further when with the other parent. When we started getting ready to look for houses to buy he got scared of the distance and travel (long story, but we would have to buy in my area until my kids were out of high school). He got concerned it would cause strain on us. So me being the stubborn gal that I am told him that I no longer wanted to be a part time girlfriend. Stupid Stupid Stupid. We decided to break up. I thought he would at least come up with suggestions on ways to make it work. He did not.
Each month on our anniversary break up I'd reach out via text just to let him know I was thinking of him. On our 3 month breakup I let him know how much I missed him and that I was miserable without him. For over a month we talked/ texted/emailed/ even had 1 visit. We were both on the same page in missing each other. All of a sudden one day his tone changed. He started telling me he had questions/ concerns and not sure he could go back to our relationship. He said "we broke up 3 times. Im not sure I want to go backwards". I get the 3 breakups, but 2 IMO didnt count. This was the doozie. He told me that he was afraid that I would hurt him again. Then from there it started going downhill.
I actually stooped so low I begged him for our relationship back and promised that there would be no more breakups. I realized in our time apart that he was it for me and I would not allow anything to come between us.
Last day of communication was 59 days ago when he told me that he had no more feelings for me and now he was questioning our entire relationship. He feels that we need to move on and date other people.
WHAAAAAAATTTTTTT????!!! Omg. Where did this come from? How could you go just 2 weeks ago and telling me that he missed me so much, couldnt imagine being with anyone else, knowing that in his heart we were meant to be together to no feelings at all?
At that point i realized I couldnt contact him anymore. I didnt want to look anymore foolish. I thought begging him the first time was letting him know what i felt this relationship meant to me and that I was willing to fight for it. Guess that was wrong. Im trying to stick to my guns to not reach out to him. I finally stalked his FB page last week and happily surprised there was no signs of a new woman! I will fight myself in the future cuz one day there will be and I dont think I can handle it.
What advise do you have to help me move on? Part of me thinks he will realize we were meant to be. That for some unknown reason he felt really hurt by it all and had to play hard with me to give him time. Part of me thinks he wants to feel single for awhile since he hasnt been single since his early 20's. Buth then on the other hand, I think he is done.Im the one with the issue of not getting passed this. I think of him all day and night. Cry all the time. I just dont know how to move forward. I know its unhealthy to stay where I am.
How did you do it? How long did it take you? Did you actually find true happiness with someone else or are you still waiting? Im afraid I screwed up my one time true love. I cared for him more than I ever did my husband.
How I was able to move on and "get over" my ex was really just through time and understanding and acceptance of why it all happened how it did in the end. He is the only man I have ever considered the "one" and the only man I have ever felt "in love" with. But there were definitely problems and we both erred and sometimes mistakes in relationships you can't come back from and things can't be fixed. So, as I said, time and acceptance and understanding were my ticket to being able to finally breathe without thinking of him all of the time again. I never thought there would come a day where I wouldn't love him, but it did happen and it led me to believe that there are too many men on this planet for there to be just "one" for me. For you? Only you know that...so, just take care of yourself right now. Don't stalk him online or anything like that, you will only drive yourself crazy (speaking from experience here). Keep yourself busy, stay steady and let time do its thing.
When you find yourself in a relationship begging someone like you did, it is a sign of desperation that the situation is hopeless and you are out of normal healthy options and fear set in that you wont find another man, or that this guy will leave forever and then what, and all the questions can run through your mind. Begging is a red flag that this man was not the one for you. A loving and caring relationship would never have had you begging your man like this and instead there would have been normal talk between you. Begging was your red flag that you had reached desperation and it was time to let him go.
Walk away from this one because I dont believe he was ever the man for you. Now give yourself the time of a year before dating again to heal over the divorce and this man. Allow both of them to get out of your mind and then approach dating without having to resort to desperation again. Allow yourself to enjoy dating after that year and to be yourself. There are good men out there.
But, what you are going through SUX and I am so sorry. Timing? - we are all different but here's what helped me - I kept and inventory of all tht was wrong w/the relationship just so that I didn't keep idealizing it, I didn't haunt him on any site - I actually blocked him and I had to stop contact with him b/c at first like you we were txtn often and that was holding me hostage and I was always feeling very low. I didn't start improving until I forced myself to become active again, going for walks, hiking, getting out, etc, in other words, keep your mind stimulated as much as possible. It's k to take your meds for right now but try to cut back till you can stop - you don't want to become codependent on meds. In other words - how quickly you bounce back is up to you, it won't happen over nite though and crying or having ur moments it's natural. I believe if you go NC you will start seeing progress.
It's been 7 months for me and I am doing way better but while I was doing the back and forth w/him it was not helping at all.
Take care of yourself and give yourself time - you will see how the sadness will slowly lift and you'll be free soon.
Luckily for me its not a normal process to be depressed so the meds are only there to help me through this. Once I feel better I will ween myself off. Sleeping pills are another story.
Thanks for your help. Still love to hear more on how others got past it all.
http://www.futurescopes.com/breaking/768/how-deal-bad-break-and-get-over-ex
And, I don't know if you are at all spiritual, or not, but this saying really helped me, too.... "A person's rejection is God's protection." Remember....it's all about YOU now becoming the best person you can become for the right and best person out there for you. You have to love yourself before you can attract the right love for you. Become your BEST for the BEST future that lies ahead of you. It takes time to get through all the initial yucky emotions you're dealing with, but you owe it to yourself out of your very own self respect to use this time to better yourself. I'm wishing you the best....I know you can do it! You are a strong person who made it through all that crap that he was dishing out to you. And, if you feel like you're going one step forward and two steps back, remember this saying...."On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty darned good!" Hugs and Peace to You!!
It will take a while, but breathe and remember that life isn't over. Believe me, I know the pattern of trying to second guess what he wants, why he behaved as he did, what might just change. But chances are good that it's over for good and you need to like yourself without him.
This is the first time in my life that I've actually been relieved to be alone. I recognize how much work I need to do on myself and how unfair it would be to let a man be a rebound for me at the moment, and so I'm keeping to myself emotionally, allowing myself time to heal. It will get better for you. It's hard, I know.
I heard someone saying today on some newscast that the cure for a broken heart is time, as though it was scientific fact, and I'm afraid that yes, that's right. Time is the only cure. I hate it, but it's true. Hugs to you.
Time i know will help. Its that day to day thing that is killing me. I want to wake up one day without thoughts of him and us and our future.
During this time though i have realized I have NEVER been alone. I went from my parents house to my husbands. Once we divorced, it was almost immediate that I met my BF. So far, I've hit a lot of "firsts" and it scares the s**t out of me to think I will have many many more of these and I dont like it. Thanksgivinig, Christmas, New Years, now the most horrible of couple days: Valentines Day. Im just realizing i dont like to be alone. At this point at least. i know a lot is the heartache, but I sure dont want to spend years without a partner. That scares me. Im 43. All I can think is where/how/who could I meet at my age that would make me feel the way he did.