Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
3 years ago I experienced my first DDay. My husband told me he loved me but wasnt in love with me. He hadnt loved me for a long time. (I didnt know when that started). As some of you know, he was very sick and I took care of him for 10 years as he got sicker and then went through a very hard medical treatment. He met the OW through an online forum for his illness. D-Day 1 was the date he got his final blood test results with the good news that his virus was no longer detectible. He didnt tell me that, I found out from an email to him from his doctor.
During the time he was so sick, I was the main breadwinner. I didnt mind at all. I was happy I had a good job with benefits and could keep a roof over our heads. Unfortunately my company began experiencing financial difficulties and eventually went bankrupt. I was completely stressed out and didnt know where I was going to find another job (I was 60) with benefits. As luck would have it, another company bought us out and I was able to keep working. All that time I wished I had a spouse who could cover expenses and benefits so I could get a break. He couldnt/didnt do it. He was also distant, unaffectionate and nasty to me. He moved into our spare bedroom in 2005, when first diagnosed, because he didnt want me to catch his illness. He continues to say that to this day. I had a blood test and was clear. I spackled like crazy blaming his actions on his illness.
I wasnt entirely without fault. The way I coped with my stress and his distance and lack of affection was self-medicating with alcohol. Mostly on weekends and never enough to put my job in jeopardy. That is what he is using as the reason he left me and moved in with the OW. That and the fact that we didnt communicate. I agree with that but he never made any effort to talk and shut me off the few times I tried.
Its been 3 months since he moved 3000 miles away. I gave him a deadline of the end of this month to take the 5 dogs with him. They are very big and more than I can physically handle. I will be beyond sad to see them go but, if he does take them, Ill be glad they will be with him.
4 days ago I talked to him (business reasons) and asked him if he had found a house. He said no, and that he would not be taking the dogs with him. I told him we needed to talk about the separation agreement and he said he would talk to me with he came to our house. Yesterday he texted me that he would be coming for the dogs. A few minutes later I got the mail. There was a letter addressed to him from the bank that indicated they put most of his 401-K money into his checking account. Turns out, he made an offer on a short sale house and he feels pretty confident that hes going to get it. He said he wanted to move back closer to his family but he ran out of time. I asked if he did move closer would he bring the OW? He said yes. His mother already told him that if he was thinking of bringing her to this area, to stay where he was since his family wanted nothing to do with her. Ive know them for 38 years and they said that I was their only daughter-in-law.
He said its too late to fix our relationship, theres too much water under the bridge. Hes still very confused, upset and miserable and doesnt know if hes making the right decision. Im waking up to the fact that he told me the truth 3 years ago. I wanted to know the truth, and not hold out hope he will eventually see the light, and now I do. It almost feels like D-Day #3. Maybe now I can move on with my life...alone and without a companion.
During the time he was so sick, I was the main breadwinner. I didnt mind at all. I was happy I had a good job with benefits and could keep a roof over our heads. Unfortunately my company began experiencing financial difficulties and eventually went bankrupt. I was completely stressed out and didnt know where I was going to find another job (I was 60) with benefits. As luck would have it, another company bought us out and I was able to keep working. All that time I wished I had a spouse who could cover expenses and benefits so I could get a break. He couldnt/didnt do it. He was also distant, unaffectionate and nasty to me. He moved into our spare bedroom in 2005, when first diagnosed, because he didnt want me to catch his illness. He continues to say that to this day. I had a blood test and was clear. I spackled like crazy blaming his actions on his illness.
I wasnt entirely without fault. The way I coped with my stress and his distance and lack of affection was self-medicating with alcohol. Mostly on weekends and never enough to put my job in jeopardy. That is what he is using as the reason he left me and moved in with the OW. That and the fact that we didnt communicate. I agree with that but he never made any effort to talk and shut me off the few times I tried.
Its been 3 months since he moved 3000 miles away. I gave him a deadline of the end of this month to take the 5 dogs with him. They are very big and more than I can physically handle. I will be beyond sad to see them go but, if he does take them, Ill be glad they will be with him.
4 days ago I talked to him (business reasons) and asked him if he had found a house. He said no, and that he would not be taking the dogs with him. I told him we needed to talk about the separation agreement and he said he would talk to me with he came to our house. Yesterday he texted me that he would be coming for the dogs. A few minutes later I got the mail. There was a letter addressed to him from the bank that indicated they put most of his 401-K money into his checking account. Turns out, he made an offer on a short sale house and he feels pretty confident that hes going to get it. He said he wanted to move back closer to his family but he ran out of time. I asked if he did move closer would he bring the OW? He said yes. His mother already told him that if he was thinking of bringing her to this area, to stay where he was since his family wanted nothing to do with her. Ive know them for 38 years and they said that I was their only daughter-in-law.
He said its too late to fix our relationship, theres too much water under the bridge. Hes still very confused, upset and miserable and doesnt know if hes making the right decision. Im waking up to the fact that he told me the truth 3 years ago. I wanted to know the truth, and not hold out hope he will eventually see the light, and now I do. It almost feels like D-Day #3. Maybe now I can move on with my life...alone and without a companion.
I know everyone is different, and just me, could be civil to this man, but would never let him back into my life again. I feel the way too see how he will treat you in the future is look to how he treated you in the past. I feel he has shown you his true self and you deserve so much better.
I lived for other people for so long that for the last 12 years, I have found the joy with living my life for me. I am 66, go where I want, do what I want, have wonderful friends and family, and I love my single life.
I do know being single is not for everyone, but it should be better than spending your life being treated badly by someone who does not appreciate all your time and energy.
I wish you the best.
-ICanSpellThornwell-