Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I can't stop crying. This is the worst pain I have felt. I am so depressed and have been crying so much I can't even pick myself up to gather my things and leave.I just stare into space all day. I have no idea where to begin with a plan. And the weird thing is, he doesn't even care I am still in the house. I feel like he wouldn't mind if I stayed just so he had company. He says he will help me move, and I can stay in the house until I get on my feet. I don't understand the dynamic between us. Yesterday I was trying to tell him my struggles with finding a place - that no one on craigslist is willing to rent to someone without a job, that finding a place that will accept my dog is going to take some time, that my friend who initially said I could stay with her has taken the offer back because she wants to live alone. I told him he messed my life up. I lost it on him and was sobbing and he just stared at me and said that now isn't the time because he got a bad night sleep. I went even lower asking him why he loved me before, if he thinks I am a bad person and why did he stop loving me? He told me to stop thinking so low of myself and I said this what this has made me feel. I just want answers.
I think of the first year of our relationship and everything up until me moving in. I miss that person he was. I went back and read my journal entries that year about how I found someone who made me feel amazing, the kind of love that I had been searching for, finally someone who accepts me for my true self, my anxiety and panic attacks, all of which he started using against my as time went by. Where is the man who would get so excited to spend all weekend exploring with me, where is the man who wanted to raise a puppy with me and told me that he saw me as family. The life I had planned for myself is gone. I thought it was going to be me and him and our two dogs. Now I am homeless, jobless and am stuck with a new puppy to care for.
I don't understand when and why everything changed for him. It seems like he thought me moving in was going to be temporary. He never let me make myself at home. He seemed to have had an issue with me wanting to add anything of my own to the house. It took me a year for him to even let me buy one piece of furniture for the house. The first time we got in a fight after that furniture was bought he told me to get out of the house and take the table with me. Why the resentment? Did he think it was just going to be like me sleeping over every night and I was just going to bring my clothes with me?
When we used to fight or I would worry about us he always used to calm me down, and say things would be hard sometimes and we would get through it. That he loved me and we would be strong. The first time we got in a fight and he threatened to break up I was devastated. And no fight after that ever went without that threat. I don't understand what happened. Did he get sick of me worrying about the drinking and worrying about him. He told me he didn't feel loved by me. How could he not feel love when I had given every ounce of myself to this relationship.
The first month of coronavirus was actually fun with him. I was so thankful for him and our dog and living in the house. I felt bad for people who were single because they were lonely. We talked about how if one of us got sick our relationship would be stronger because we would take care of each other. The small things in life became fun. Daily walks, grocery shopping trips, doing puzzles and playing games together. 2 weeks in a lost my job. And at some point during this time he began to hate me. I was around too much, he felt smothered by me and when I would have anxiety about getting a job and getting sick he would get annoyed. He was def drinking more because his work slowed down and this is when our fights started to escalate.
Here we are 8 months later and I don't even recognize him or what our relationship became. Did corona ruin us? I am so mad at 2020 and I feel like if I never lost my job and things didn't close maybe things could have been better. I would have had a life and places to go. My friends are all married with families and I don't feel like I will have a social network anymore. It has been a year since I have seen most of them because of lockdown and people having their own thoughts about stuff. I feel like calling friends these last 2 days I am imposing and people feel sorry for me. I have never felt this low and I just want him back and want him to get help for his drinking.
But you will be better without him, you story smacks of one way sacrifice. You entered his domain, and he was ruler/king. You were always below him, You were having sex and he enjoyed that. But he wasn't going to allow you to modify his life. He feels entitled, its his right to do as he pleases and you not to ask for help or get help.
The is the very definition of a one way relationship, you read and see people in marriages for years and they are asking the very same questions you are at the end.
The reason so many marriages fail is because we come in on the high and excitement of it all, but once we have to see or deal with the person we want out. Some of us trick ourselves and some of us trick the other person into staying.
We have to be equally supportive to ourselves as we are to our spouse. We have to encourage our spouse to better themselves the entire time. Our spouse should want to do the same thing.
Before we engage in to the physical/emotion/chemical bonding part of a relationship we should have many of the same ideas/opinions/hobbies/goals as the person we like.
Once we have sex with the person all bets are off, and then the sex becomes normal like everything else. Then the real person comes out every time.
You gave him your gifts/soul/spirit and he took them and gave you nothing in return that had value. Now he is ready to find the next person he can use up, but knowing he can keep you as a back up.
I know things look bleak for you, look scary, and hurt. This journey you are on is nothing you can not handle, God knows what you can handle. He is showing you your true self, what you really want, what you really need.
Its rough and many have been in your place, but you have to love yourself, you have to care for yourself. Do what is right for you. It is hard to start and scary and he will make false promises to you as he sees you succeeding. Because as you heal and grow you will become a useable commodity to him again.
Keep reaching out, you will make it, in your own time with love and patience.
I pray you are safe and healthy.
I assure you that not everyone out there is married!! I get how that can feel, but just look around and you will see so many people with lots of time and wanting real connection with other people. You really only need a couple of great people to rely on.
It isn't simple or easy to love yourself. For me it has taken a therapist: and I asked her to specifically help me with self worth and self love. She does. She will listen to something I describe and "reframe" it for me. Like if I tell her I was being critical or judgemental about my partner's parenting of his kids, she would reframe that to: "You care about kids... you want a healthy environment for his kids... " and then the rest of the details would fall into place on top of that basic reframing. It is powerful stuff.
Therapists on Zoom/video chat are really great -- it is close and personal and really convenient -- it can start now. Maybe your roommate/ex would join you in some sessions just to help you two separate and feel whole in the process?
We are all going through this, so many of us. Every relationship struggles -- those smiling couples on facebook have their problems too... Covid has been super stressful and losing a job is a major blow to one's self esteem. ugh. find your refuges (comfort spaces... walks with puppy, naps, hot baths... the blue sky or the quiet of trees... that's just one of many strategies to get through.
And do not hesitate to give the dog away -- I also had a dog as a renter and it can simply be too too much. As sad as it is, it is a lot easier to live without a dog.
Hang in there... hang in there... look around you at this very moment -- what sounds do you hear? what temperature do you feel? what textures, what colors? Notice that in this moment there is no danger around you. breath gently in and out.
Best wishes for your journey.