I think I am going through a phase of depression. I have been crying EVERY night for the past 2 weeks.. Sometimes i want to cry during the day. I want to rip my heart out and throw it away. I still talk to my ex fianc. We hardly talk and lately, I am pulling myself back. My birthday is in 6 days and he wants to get me something. I told him I didn't want anything especially since he wants us to be friends but he always talks about distance and time and all these "reasons" in his opinion and "excuses" in mine. My mom is not aware that we talk. I don't think she is even aware of my feelings and hurt. I am living with my mom until I move away for my graduate school, in a couple of months. I am still on disability due to my car accident, I see my doctor next month. And I am still too scared to drive and haven't gotten a car.

I feel like I am falling apart. I can't find happiness in anything I do or anyone I talk to. I find myself crying a lot. I try to pray hoping it will make things easier. I try not to talk to him as much and I told him not to come visit last saturday because I feel like it makes thinks more complicated. When I see him, my heart goes crazy and all I want to do is hug and kiss him. I am absolutely crazy in love with him. I hate myself for feeling this way. I am completely destroyed and broken. If I ever get the chance to love again, I don't want to and I don't plan on getting in another relationship. This pain is too strong. It has been 4 months and its just as hard.

He says he wants to get me something for my birthday and send it in the mail under another name but I really don't want anything. I want to tell him that all I want is him but its pointless to do so. He kept asking me what I wanted and then he said he would send me something small, a card and he would put his name on it.

I just needed to vent. I am starting to think I am crazy. I am sick with his love. It is too much for me to handle this and I have no one to talk to about this.