Buddy has she moved on to somebody else? I'm not sure why u haven't moved forward at all? 10 months without any contact should have moved u forward. For some reason your stuck. I feel horrible for you. I still have thoughts about my ex but mostly I'm accepting where we are and the person she no longer is? The gal I fell in love with is gone. It sucks but you have to move on for your own sanity. We have a daughter together and sometimes we have contact but even tonight she said it would be nice to talk instead of text and email and I told her flat out I don't want to talk to her anymore, you made your choice and I have to move on. It's not good for you my friend. It's hard as hell but you have to move the hell forward. Being stuck after 10 months feeling like day 1 of break up...especially with no contact that long? Have you talked to a therapist or doctor maybe? I've been taking to a couple gals just for comfort and conversation. I feel for you man, but it's in your mind and your determination to move forward. The past is just in your mind. If she hadn't talked or reached out in 10 months she isn't going to. Let her go.

Yah, I appreciate it Kbb. Most of my support I feel has dried up. I don't disagree with you, that's why I ask "why"? I need to get back to my therapist, maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe it's the fact that coping with alcohol is no longer an option and I don't have the coping skills.

I want to believe that it's because she really did love me, that this wasn't easy for her, and that she had the assistance of my first ex, her own ex, and a coercive friend who was also getting divorced. 3 people with negative frames of reference who didn't know what happy was, and certainly wouldn't want her to be, because misery loves company.

I voluntarily signed an OOP after she left, that's why no contact. And "no", I never laid a finger on her or threatened her in any way, shape or form. I think she needs to feel like I'm the villain in her mind, otherwise the door is wide open, for the same reason she went strict NC, didn't want the door left open at all, because she would disappoint everybody by coming back.

That's what makes this so hard, is that it makes no sense whatsoever. It's 100% contradiction of 6 years of love, best friends, no fighting...and I know factually there is not another man. She even called several mutual friends asking if she was doing the right thing. I wish they had not remained neutral and asked her to wait for me to get out of treatment and see how serious I was about sobriety.

But, your point is well taken. I can't control it. The serenity prayer should have answered that for me. Still, it's my heart that is causing the problem, and it's controlling my head, which makes it hard to move on, and breathe.

It is hard to judge the situation because I cant see your wife's side of story. Obviously, it wasn't all butterflies like you describe it or otherwise she wouldn't leave, right? I can only tell from my experience. My husband is an alcoholic, he was sober for a while and replaced a few times. It seems that when he gets sober, he forgets everything that he put me though, like it never happened. But it did. Alcoholics are not easy to be around. I don't want to sound mean but your recovery is on you, you alone. If you want to recover do it for yourself and after you are sober for a while you should try to contact her and see if she still wants to be with you.

"Most of my support I feel has dried up."

You got support right here. I won't judge you either. Believe that. Try taking a walk or hike with a buddy. Whatever you do, don't stay in your thoughts too long. I did that this week and seriously was considering drowning myself. For the first time, I had thoughts of writing a suicide note. The pain was that real. But my family stepped in and saved me, and my breaths became a bit easier today.

Pray or meditate when you start feeling like you're suffocating. Take deep breaths. Go out volunteer and do something nice for somebody, like maybe take a homeless person out for lunch.

And continue to reach out to your loved ones. I thought I dried out my support system too, but when I threatened to take my life, they all were right there for me all along. Don't count these people out.

Walk it off and feel free to post here whenever. We're your friends. We love you and we want you to make it. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice for why your wife won't fight for the marriage. Sometimes people just check out and it may not have anything to do with your previous alcohol problem. If I were God, I would bring us all back to happier times with our ex. But realistically all any of us can do is give you encouragement. So I encourage you to keep making progress in your sobriety.

You didn't get what you deserved. We're human. To err is human. What you really deserve is support, love, and understanding.

Yeah I didn't mean not to show support at all, I'm just sorry your so pained after 10 months NC. That's terrible. Hope you find peace soon, we all deserve it after being dumped. I'm 7 months out almost and yeah it still hurts and some days are horrible. Just have to try and fight through it and be grateful of what you have, friends, family, whatever it may be to help. My ex hooked up with my daughters boyfriends dad, I've had him at my house! So yeah man it sucks I know. But I try to focus on her dumping me and leaving me and my daughter and what a piece of work she really is and all her bullshit and he can have her. After being dumped would you really take her back? That would always be in the back of your mind. It wouldn't work.

What do you do? It will always hurt but when we dont accept why we hurt it gets hard to move past. I think some will always have some form of love for past loves. I believe you just need to find out a way to accept it all even if it angers you. I know it hurts. Keep healing and love yourself. Best wishes to you.

That's the wonderful thing about being here, support without judgment. It's hard enough living, condemning myself everyday for the living hell I was trapped in and not being able to get out of it.

To your point dreamland, my recovery is on me and me alone. I would have just loved to have had some warning, some notice, these are going to be the consequences, instead of you don't have to go if you aren't ready, I would never leave you. I would never have chosen alcohol over her, and our family. I just needed help. And maybe it's my disease, but it really was butterflies, and gumdrops, and lollipops. Like I said, she only expressed concern over my health, never a vague or even clear warning. But, I had a hard month prior to her leaving. I had lost my dad, uncle and business partner diagnosed with ALS, family business going out of business... I just needed her to be a friend and help me, even if it meant leaving long enough for me to get the point, it wouldn't have taken more than a day. But, to disappear and leave me all alone. I don't know.

Anyhow, I appreciate all of the advice. I appreciate that you do not judge me. I really am trying to move on, and I am proud that I have been sober this long under this much stress without a single lapse or relapse. I just wish that the person who loved and married me as an alcoholic, would have given me a chance as a recovering alcoholic.

I appreciate your perspective dream...still I can't reconcile anything, nothing makes sense, it's all contradictory to what she told everybody, including myself, and the way she acted...but, I hear what you are saying. I do hope that your husband gets serious about recovery, for his sake, it's a fatal disease, for your sake, for your marriage and family.

Kbb, always supportive and I thank you for that, I appreciate your patience with me, I don't know what my timeline for recovery from this is, the divorce isn't even finalized (and she did take all of my premarital money too to add insult to injury because I made the mistake of c-omingling it because I never dreamed she would do this)

Weakminded, thank you. Sometimes I just need to hear that I'm not the devil, that I made my mistakes, and have become a better person and learned from them. It's not easy to live everyday thinking you are useless because you are sick. I appreciate your supportive words.

Hey I don't know if you have any divorce support groups near by? Sometimes talking to others in person really helps. I was just talkin to my neighbor tonight, he's 63 married and empty nester. Anyway I was telling him how I'm still struggling a bit and he told me about his first marriage that I never knew about. He came home and found his wife in the sack with his best friend. We talked about that and the recovery he went through and he said it took about a year to get over. I told him I'm not ready to date after 6-7 months and he said don't even think about it, just do what you like and stay busy etc., funny how something that happened to him maybe 30-40 years ago the advice and pain really hasn't changed? I guess my point is it's going to take time. Yeah it hurts but you'll get through it just like I will and just like he did ultimately. Just try to stay positive, one day at a time my friend and eventually you will get there

Letting go of a loved one is very difficult. I am sure it was not easy for her to let go of you just as it is hard for you to accept your relationship is over, and to move on. I am sure her decision wasn't made over night to leave you. I have been married for 27 years to a wonderful woman, and we started dating more than 30 years ago. She had a behavior change about 2 years ago and I was the target of her rages of anger and allegations. She saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed medication but stopped taking it after two months, and refused to get treatment. Her behavior continued and I worked closely with her family to get her help. This went on for two years with me trying to help her and make our marriage work but she wasn't willing to get help. We have two teenage children that I need to think of besides myself. I filed for divorce with the hopes that if she wanted to keep our marriage intact she would get help. She hasn't so we are separated and our divorce hearing is early 2015. Alcoholism is a sickness just like my wife has a sickness. The other spouse, me in my case, can only take so much and try so hard before we have to focus on our own mental health. She may have felt she tried as much as she could and if you can't help yourself than she can't help you. That is how I felt with my wife of 27 years. I wish you the best and hopefully you do get the treatment so you can have a healthy relationship in the future. Your paths may cross again when you are both in a different place and if you are healthy maybe there could still be something there. I still love my wife and wish our marriage could be spared but at some point I had to make the tough decision to move on, and it was not an easy one.

I am sorry for your situation daddio. Again, perspective is everything, and hearing yours helps to clarify mine. I am 9 1/2 months sober. I have a disease, and have worked hard for it, and will continue to take it 1 day at a time. But, I'm sorry to hear that your wife has not been able to address her own situation. The sad part about these diseases, is they take over. Obviously that has happened in your wife's case...cunning, baffling and powerful is what we say in AA. It's all about admitting we are powerless and giving ourselves over. What we tried in the past did not work. I would pray that she find this truism, as I did, and that there is redemption for us all. Thank you again, the feedback that comes in is so truly helpful!

sorry to hear of how you are feeling. it is hard for sure. not to make things worse, just to offer some perspective: my soon-to-be-EX-husband is an alcoholic. it is indeed very hard to live with. the alcoholic experiences one side of the disease, and i truly believe (having experienced it) that they have no REAL idea what the loved one goes through. you might think you know, or have some facts brought to your attention. but again, i say from experience, i have found that the only people who truly comprehend what I experienced as the spouse of an alcoholic are other former spouses of alcoholics. often spouses of alcoholics are co-dependent, and we also often feel the need to fix others, to put a shiny veneer on things, etc. so while she may have acted as though things were a veritable candy store, clearly there were thoughts and feelings inside of her to the contrary.

is it fair that she was not direct with you? no. but alcoholism is a disease that affects not just the alcoholic, but also everyone closest to them, with spouses being the ones who take the brunt of it. so she may have already had her own internal issues, and then caring for an alcoholic puts you into coping mechanisms that aren't always healthy. again, i don't say this to be mean, to chastise you, or to justify her behavior. because i think she could, and should, have been more direct about her feelings. however, i'm just offering perspective that the spouse often has their own internal war raging that they hide from the rest of the world. sometimes out of fear, the spouse puts the happy face on, thinking that confronting the alcoholic will just drive them further down the rabbit hole. the co-dependence, the covering up, the denial, it's common in the spouses. but it can build up to the point where it's just too much.

both of you need counseling for yourselves individually, because you both have things to work through regardless of the state of the relationship. i would also suggest that you not only go to AA, where people that have your experience can give you a world of support, but i'd also recommend you try Alanon at least 2-3 times. It is support for those affected by an alcoholic, and it really does help to see the whole situation.

As far as your own healing, counseling and AA would be extremely important for your healing. Alcoholism will always be with you, whether you are drinking or not, so it is important to have ongoing support like in AA. But even when we take the right steps towards healing, it still just takes time. Baby steps, improvement little by little. And being gentle with yourself. healing takes time for all of us. big hugs.

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I have mental illness, bipolar disorder, and my husband made me all the same promises that your wife made you. Said all the same wonderful things and was the center of my world. I have been on meds and being treated from day 1 of diagnosis and after 20 years he up and says he isn't happy and wants a divorce. My point is, you could have gotten help long before this happened and still had the same out come. It may not have had anything to do with your disease and it may had everything to do with it. People make promises all the time and for the most part, when they make them, they do mean them, but sometimes people change and promises get broken. The best thing you can do is accept what is, keep up your sobriety and seek counseling. Take good care of yourself. One thing that my therapist has told me and I have reminded myself every morning when I get up, only you can make you truly happy.

I think you are in the right direction. Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step in the recovery process, at least that is what i believe. My brother's wife is an alcoholic and she has admitted it but still falls off the wagon after weeks of being dry. I see the agony and frustration he is going thru and feel for him but I also see what she is going thru and it is very painful for her because she wants to get rid of the disease but can't despite the extensive treatments and tens of thousands of dollars invested. I am sure it is not easy but stay optimistic that someday your paths will cross again. She loved you and stayed with you because of who you are. The love for my wife will last forever because we have been thru so much and she is a great person with a disease too that she won't acknowledge and get help. I wish you the best.

If you're still struggling this much after 10 months, I'd suggest some counseling.
From what you've said, I have a difficult time believing that your relationship was all sunshine and roses. I grew up with an alcoholic who couldn't understand why my mom divorced him. To listen to him, life at our house was idyllic. It was far from that. You'd also think he was a great dad who enjoyed a close relationship with his kids and grandkids. Again, not the case.
You said you signed an order of protection...they don't just hand those out to anyone who wants them. There has to be sufficient reason behind them. I highly doubt it was so she could make you the villain. My former brother-in-law broke down the door to my sister's house and assaulted her boyfriend...in front of their kids. However, that's my sister's fault because she shouldn't have been seeing anyone after they'd been separated and divorced for 3 years. None of it is his fault.
I hope that you continue to work on your recovery and go back to your therapist so that you can move forward. Hopefully you will be able to get some healing and feel better.
Good luck.