Guilt is a strange thing and we try to ease our own guilt sometimes at the expense of others..

From a personal stand point, if i say you have no contact with my elderly parents and you know they are under stress--you should obey that.

You obey that, realizing that contacting they are elderly, they are under stress and medically you contacting them could cause them harm, hospitalization or worse. They are bystanders and innocents in your divorce.

Contacting them truly is only easing your guilt. I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm trying to explain. You're not thinking of their welfare and their medical welfare.

I'm also trying to let you know that a world of hurt would await you if it was me and I told you to stay away from my parents and you violated that. You would see police at your door and I would have charges against you for haraasemnt of them, I'd also put a restraining on you too.

Imagine if they had a stroke or heart attack or worse during contact with you. You'd be in deep then.

Do you understand that you do not get to do what you want to do, no matter how nice you feel your motives are? Your thoughts must be for the medical welfare of the elderly parents of you ex and you don't get to contact them to ease your guilt or your spiritual woes. You go to a counselor or your church for that. But leave the elderly parents out of it, just like you leave the kids out of it.

If it was me, and I felt very close to them, I certainly would talk to them.
You said she is lying to them, and trying to keep you from seeing them.
I would want to explain the things you have stated in your post to them. I may not let my ex know when I was going to visit them, but I would certainly go, and I would not let her dictate who I could see and not see, even if they are her parents.
Good luck!!
Sending support and hugs

I don't believe there are medical issues, I think it is an excuse for me not to talk to them. I also know that sooner or later I will run into them... this is a small city and we go to the same church, etc.

My ex-father-in-law was my father-figure. We did things just the two of us. We helped each other on projects on our houses and such. We sat up late the two of us, talking, when we went camping. We sat at his table talking many-a-time, alone. I love him dearly.

And for that reason I will take your advice.

I'm very close to my in-laws also and I understand your wanting some closure. I think it really is going to depend on your relationship- only you know if they would even want to talk to you at this time. Fortunately, my STBX wife and myself are still on OK terms and I've been close to mine since the start. I've seen my in-laws several times since the break up, and have been able to get that closure you are looking for.

I would say, if you do contact them then don't even go down the road of saying you are sorry it didn't work out, etc. Simply tell them that you have enjoyed having them in your life all these years and that your focus is doing what is best for your daughter, and you wish them all the best. If you say more than that, then you will be feeding into your STBX's lies because it will look like you are trying to shift the blame. The lies will come into the light on their own, they always do. And you will have taken the high road.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

If you didn't do anything WRONG why do you feel the need to APOLOGIZE to them? If they truly love you, they will continue to do so. But don't beat yourself up if they don't stay in touch. My experience has taught me that blood is almost always thicker than water. Your X is just re-writing history like most of the abandoners do. Just remember: What she says about you says more about her than it does about you. I would give this situation some time before getting in touch with the in-laws, but you could always just mail a "Thinking of You" card or something. Just my two cents.

Thank you for the posts.

I want to apologize by basically saying I did everything I could do to make their daughter and their grandchildren happy and have great lives. But for whatever reason my stbx wasn't happy, and left.

My ex-father-in-law used to tell her she was looking a gift horse in the mouth when she complained about me. My families needs often came before mine (yes I am a recovering co-dependent).

They will back their daughter over me every time, I know that is just the way it is. And I trust that karma will prevail and the lies will be revealed in time. Maybe I am just anxious.

Yes, I am still recycling through the grief process. I was good for a good long time. Now 6-7 months later I am obsessed? with the divorce again, maybe because the trial is coming up.

I am on good terms with my ex in laws even though my ex doesn't like this. He has told his family not to have anything to do with me but they basically said they were all adults, had known me for close to 30 years and he had no right to order them what to do.

What I did early on was write my in laws a letter. I thanked them for being kind to me and for all the help they gave me during the marriage. I didn't mention the divorce, as I know they were in a difficult position.

I think a letter would be appropriate. Don't say bad things about the daughter; just reaffirm that when things settled down you would like to stay in touch with them. I also see no reason for you to apologize (unless you did something that you haven't told us here).

Good luck.

I didn't do anything, but feel guilty about the marriage failing, and disappointing them.

I tried as hard as any co-dependent does, but I don't think she ever really was attracted to me, question if she ever truly loved me, and she did lots of inappropriate things. Her only real hobby was drinking (and possibly drugs) and going to the bars with her single and adulterous friends. She did not ever sleep with me unless drunk, and rebuked my each and every other time. When I would remove my clothes she got in the habit of saying or doing extremely cruel things like asking for no reason if I was going to "be able to keep it up" or suddenly going limp on purpose during when we were "in the action". Things were okay the first few years but grew steadily worse. When she went off anxiety-depression meds she completely fell apart and acted towards me with complete hatred for a month or so until she left. I posted my story at length in June of 2012 and most people told me to "run, don't walk, away" from this which I have. I still pine for her sometimes, despite her abuse of me, and I am not sure why (I believe some of it is natural to having been together 7+ years). But my OP question has to do with my love for her parents and closure with them.

luvmygirl4:
In response to your latest comment, let me say a few words about CLOSURE. Closure is something that you come to ALL BY YOURSELF; no one can "give" it to you, nor can you "give" it to anyone else. It's a process, just like all the other facets of divorce. So if this burning desire to get or stay in touch with the in-laws is out of some need for "closure" -- forget it. You are barking up the wrong tree. Look for a sense of closure WITHIN. That's where you will find it.
This is the Voice of Experience speaking! xoxox

I think closure is just another way to hang on. A simple note to let them know you are doing good. Closure can open old wounds.

Step back for a moment. You hired an attorney to help you navigate through the legal matters and the divorce. Call that attorney and explain you want to contact your in-laws but your ex has said not to. Find out what your attorney tells you to do AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE/SHE TELLS YOU.

Your attorney is the one that handles legal matters and his/her imput would be very important for you.

Yes, I am not going to send it out until I think more about this as well as talk to my attorney. I listen to him fully as he is the expert defending me. She didn't directly say "don't contact them" but was enough other things said that alluded to that.

And I am not trying to cause trouble, which gives me the dilemma. I just want to affirm that I love them and still care about them. I am thankful for their friendship during the marriage. And partially it is because sooner or later I will run into them either shopping, church, or something for my daughter. My stbx can't keep cancelling all of my daughters events just to keep me and them from interacting. I would rather they know I hold no ill-will towards them and have no fear of me making a scene or something.

Good going, triple post :P

Anyway, some of this comes up because a friend of mine who is soon to be divorced, when he picked up his kids for the holidays gave his ex-wife a present to give his ex-father-in-law. I don't know him that well or his dynamic with his father-in-law, but it made me think about me and my relationship with my own.