Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
It's been a little over a year now that I found out about all of the 'discretions' my husband committed even before we married.
For some reason he felt the need to vomit all of his sickness onto me when he was finally ready to move on to his next victim. Yes, I call her a victim, because I am positive that he doesn't love her either. If he did, he would not have strung her along for 3 years, telling her she deserved more than a part-time boyfriend. We have no mutual kids, we are both healthy, we were free of debt - he could have left me for her 3 years ago, but didn't...
When I found out he was leaving me for her, he also told me about another female co-worker. We weren't even married when he would go over to her house when her husband wasn't home. All while his bosses had him and her on the clock and all while I am at home, thinking he is hard at work.
In 2014 he took a 12 day vacation to go 'find' himself. Well, he found himself on the way to Arkansas to meet with a woman with whom he had been sexting for weeks or even months on end. She flew in from Ohio, he drove to meet her in the brand new pickup truck I had found and bought for him.
He stayed with this woman all 12 days, travelling from Arkansas to Branson, MO with her in our truck.
I found out the first night he left (long story). Within 2 days I had cleared out our home of all furniture, appliances, everything that was in the house. The next day I filed for divorce. I was set and ready to move back to CA when he came home and had a total breakdown.
It ended with me finding him with his gun in our garden shed. That is a story all it's own, one I don't want to revisit at this time or ever for that matter. I was able to talk him out of the shed by telling him we can make this work, we can work it out. I stayed, we bought an entire house full of new furniture, appliances, etc.
Little did I know that he was already seeing the woman he is with now - and that he continued to see her. She was a co-worker of his as well, at his new job and he was her boss.
When I found out last year in December, he played with both of us: staying with me, but seeing her. He finally moved out, but did not move in with her. He moved in with his parents who live 7 houses from us.
I was devastated! Staying in this house was not an option for me. He wanted the house, I moved into an apartment and I filed for divorce.
At 56 years of age I found myself starting from scratch, while he was set for life: the OW owns a house which she promptly rented out fully furnished with her own stuff and then she moved into my home (also fully furnished) the very next day. How do you do that as a woman? Just leave all of your stuff and step into another woman's house with all of this woman's belongings still in it and the marriage bed barely cold?
Anyway: I didn't want anything to do with my husband. I couldn't bear it! I didn't take a single thing from the house and donated all the clothes and anything I had to Goodwill. Then I went and bought new furniture for my 1 bedroom apartment.
I was heartbroken and cried most of the time. I filed for uncontested divorce in January and the divorce was to be final 61 days later. He signed a waver of service, which I thought (and told him) was so he didn't have to appear in court. Later I found out it is actually a waver saying he does not need to be notified of any of the divorce proceedings :-)
March came and went without me going to sign the final papers on the divorce. By that time I had gotten to a point where I was getting more and more angry over everything.
He had nothing when we met, not even a car. He came to me, owning maybe 5 pair of ragged jeans, a few shirts and a cowboy hat. I bought the house, I got him his job (literally did his application and took his packet to a friend who worked at the company), I bought him a brand new truck every year, did all our finances, pretty much was nothing more than a paid maid and caretaker for 8 years.
And then he told me that he never even loved me all of this time!
So, anger started to set in over the fact that this man whom I loved so deeply had used me from the beginning. Here he was, sitting with 2 houses (hers and his), 2 full sets of furniture, 2 brand new trucks, 2 great paying jobs (they were bringing in $140,000 a year)....and here I was, with absolutely nothing to show for for my hard work over the past 8 years.
I hired a divorce attorney. It was the best $4500 I have ever spent! Since he had signed the waiver, we were under no obligation to let him know anything of what we were doing. By the time all was said and done, I was awarded the house, most of the furniture, all of the appliances and fixtures, 1/2 or our stock and 1/2 of his retirement.
I also went to his job and filed a complaint that the company allowed the boss to be sleeping with the help. His immediate boss had been aware, but did not take any action. My husband was all smug, thinking how his boss and buddy was not going to do anything about it.
So, I went to corporate who - it turned out to be a woman :-)
You see, my husband and his mistress kept telling the company that they were NOT in fact involved. They got away with it for 6 months. After I went to corporate, the company started to investigate my claims of her living with him. The last time they called them in and asked them about their involvement, they still denied it, but the company had proof.
I expected he would get fired and was surprised when they both got fired. Not for being involved, but for company policy violation AND for lying. She had worked there for 14 years, he going on 7 years.
Imagine his surprise when I told him they had to vacate our home within 1 month! Since they both lost their jobs, they were not able to move into her house, because they are not able to make the house payment. So, for the last 4 months they have been living with his parents, 7 houses from my house.
They have been out of jobs for coming on 6 months and I truly believe that neither of them will be hired anywhere. How are they going to explain having been fired after 14 years and 7 years? Even if prospective employers don't get the story, that fact alone will be a deterrent from hiring them.
Now, I know there are people out there who agree with him (that I am a vindictive c..t), but you don't know 1/2 of the stuff that he told me that he did. It would take a book to write it all.
For me it was enough to know that this man used me for 8 long years! He told me this when he told me that he never loved me and when he was unable to answer as to why he would marry me when he already knew that I was not the one he wanted, when he was already going to other women's homes BEFORE we were even married. When I didn't want to get married, but he kept pushing for it until I gave in.
It was enough to know that he was sleeping with other women - unprotected - and then coming home, bringing who knows what with him. I know that over the last 5 years I was experiencing women issues that I had never had before and I couldn't figure out why I was suddenly afflicted with such issues. Funny thing is that I have not had a single episode since we split up last January.
For me it was enough to realize that while I was in the hospital in 2010 for ten days, I only saw my husband there for about 20 minutes each night. While other patients had their significant others there almost day and night, I was always alone. I realize now that he was off doing what he does best: romancing other women. While I was laying in that hospital bed, scared out of my mind, he could have cared less.
Then in October of 2014 I took myself to the hospital. I was having chest pain and I was scared. I called him from the hospital and told him where I was and why and that I was scared. I expected him to show up - he never did. As a matter of fact, I was unable to get a hold of him after that initial call. When I came home 2 hours later, he was sitting in the kitchen - he had turned off his phone....
In October and then November I had to put 2 of my dogs down. He was home both times. I went by myself to the vet both times. He knew it would devastate me to put them down, yet he did not offer to go with me, nor did he show up at the vet. My vet's wife stayed with me through it all.
During the last days he became verbally abusive, calling me a fat, lazy ass, big nose, stubby toes, picking on all of my insecurities and using them as weapons against me. He even went as far as to tell me 'There were times when I felt prettier than you'! The lazy part was a joke, considering I was the one who handled everything from finances, cleaning, gardening, mowing, shopping, laundry, cooking - all while working 40+ hours a week and all while my 'poor' husband was in bed, supposedly sleeping from 8AM -5Pm. I now know that in actuality he was sexting with the OW and who knows how many others.
He never took time off from work for me, saying he has always been this way, that he is a workaholic. Then I saw on his paystub that he had taken off 36 hours which he did not spend with me. During that time he would dress and go to work as usual and then return home as if he had been at work all night. Which of course he wasn't.
There are still times that my heart breaks for him when I see him standing in his parents front yard, knowing how much he has lost. He came to me with nothing, left, expecting to live high and now he was back to having nothing at all. There is a part of me that still loves the man I thought he was and that is the part that allows me to feel sorry for this man.
Then there is this other part of me, the bitter, angry part at having been used by him for so many years and once he reached the top and was sitting pretty, he discarded me like yesterdays trash. He figured he got away with 2 houses, 2 new trucks, no debt, 2 great incomes, 2 great retirements and a large amount of stock. Not once did he check in with me to see if I was doing ok, if I was faring well. He was riding high with his mistress.
The funny thing is, neither of them post any picture with or of the other on FB. Neither of them show a status of being involved, etc and neither of them write on the others FB. Though she posted 'I finally roped my cowboy" to which one of her friends asked how his retirement would be. She replied 'He told me it would be big'
Surprise: it is not nearly as big as he thought it would be, considering he got fired and I am getting 1/2 of it :-)
I don't feel sorry for her. From what I know from the OW's brother-in-law and co-workers, she has a habit of sleeping with married men. She broke up at least 2 other marriages that I know of. One of the married men left his wife to be with her, only to find out several months later that she was having an affair with yet another married man. The first married man left her, the 2nd married man moved in with her. A few months after he had left his wife, she kicked him out and started seeing the first married man again. She was still seeing him when she started with my husband.
And yes, she KNEW he was married and she KNEW that we were together. I had told her when this first started to rear it's ugly head. He had told her that he was living with his parents. I told her that was a lie and he was at home with me. She had the gall to drive to my house to see for herself.
So, NO, I do not feel pity for her at all. They both deserve everything that is coming down on them and then some! Call me Karma
For some reason he felt the need to vomit all of his sickness onto me when he was finally ready to move on to his next victim. Yes, I call her a victim, because I am positive that he doesn't love her either. If he did, he would not have strung her along for 3 years, telling her she deserved more than a part-time boyfriend. We have no mutual kids, we are both healthy, we were free of debt - he could have left me for her 3 years ago, but didn't...
When I found out he was leaving me for her, he also told me about another female co-worker. We weren't even married when he would go over to her house when her husband wasn't home. All while his bosses had him and her on the clock and all while I am at home, thinking he is hard at work.
In 2014 he took a 12 day vacation to go 'find' himself. Well, he found himself on the way to Arkansas to meet with a woman with whom he had been sexting for weeks or even months on end. She flew in from Ohio, he drove to meet her in the brand new pickup truck I had found and bought for him.
He stayed with this woman all 12 days, travelling from Arkansas to Branson, MO with her in our truck.
I found out the first night he left (long story). Within 2 days I had cleared out our home of all furniture, appliances, everything that was in the house. The next day I filed for divorce. I was set and ready to move back to CA when he came home and had a total breakdown.
It ended with me finding him with his gun in our garden shed. That is a story all it's own, one I don't want to revisit at this time or ever for that matter. I was able to talk him out of the shed by telling him we can make this work, we can work it out. I stayed, we bought an entire house full of new furniture, appliances, etc.
Little did I know that he was already seeing the woman he is with now - and that he continued to see her. She was a co-worker of his as well, at his new job and he was her boss.
When I found out last year in December, he played with both of us: staying with me, but seeing her. He finally moved out, but did not move in with her. He moved in with his parents who live 7 houses from us.
I was devastated! Staying in this house was not an option for me. He wanted the house, I moved into an apartment and I filed for divorce.
At 56 years of age I found myself starting from scratch, while he was set for life: the OW owns a house which she promptly rented out fully furnished with her own stuff and then she moved into my home (also fully furnished) the very next day. How do you do that as a woman? Just leave all of your stuff and step into another woman's house with all of this woman's belongings still in it and the marriage bed barely cold?
Anyway: I didn't want anything to do with my husband. I couldn't bear it! I didn't take a single thing from the house and donated all the clothes and anything I had to Goodwill. Then I went and bought new furniture for my 1 bedroom apartment.
I was heartbroken and cried most of the time. I filed for uncontested divorce in January and the divorce was to be final 61 days later. He signed a waver of service, which I thought (and told him) was so he didn't have to appear in court. Later I found out it is actually a waver saying he does not need to be notified of any of the divorce proceedings :-)
March came and went without me going to sign the final papers on the divorce. By that time I had gotten to a point where I was getting more and more angry over everything.
He had nothing when we met, not even a car. He came to me, owning maybe 5 pair of ragged jeans, a few shirts and a cowboy hat. I bought the house, I got him his job (literally did his application and took his packet to a friend who worked at the company), I bought him a brand new truck every year, did all our finances, pretty much was nothing more than a paid maid and caretaker for 8 years.
And then he told me that he never even loved me all of this time!
So, anger started to set in over the fact that this man whom I loved so deeply had used me from the beginning. Here he was, sitting with 2 houses (hers and his), 2 full sets of furniture, 2 brand new trucks, 2 great paying jobs (they were bringing in $140,000 a year)....and here I was, with absolutely nothing to show for for my hard work over the past 8 years.
I hired a divorce attorney. It was the best $4500 I have ever spent! Since he had signed the waiver, we were under no obligation to let him know anything of what we were doing. By the time all was said and done, I was awarded the house, most of the furniture, all of the appliances and fixtures, 1/2 or our stock and 1/2 of his retirement.
I also went to his job and filed a complaint that the company allowed the boss to be sleeping with the help. His immediate boss had been aware, but did not take any action. My husband was all smug, thinking how his boss and buddy was not going to do anything about it.
So, I went to corporate who - it turned out to be a woman :-)
You see, my husband and his mistress kept telling the company that they were NOT in fact involved. They got away with it for 6 months. After I went to corporate, the company started to investigate my claims of her living with him. The last time they called them in and asked them about their involvement, they still denied it, but the company had proof.
I expected he would get fired and was surprised when they both got fired. Not for being involved, but for company policy violation AND for lying. She had worked there for 14 years, he going on 7 years.
Imagine his surprise when I told him they had to vacate our home within 1 month! Since they both lost their jobs, they were not able to move into her house, because they are not able to make the house payment. So, for the last 4 months they have been living with his parents, 7 houses from my house.
They have been out of jobs for coming on 6 months and I truly believe that neither of them will be hired anywhere. How are they going to explain having been fired after 14 years and 7 years? Even if prospective employers don't get the story, that fact alone will be a deterrent from hiring them.
Now, I know there are people out there who agree with him (that I am a vindictive c..t), but you don't know 1/2 of the stuff that he told me that he did. It would take a book to write it all.
For me it was enough to know that this man used me for 8 long years! He told me this when he told me that he never loved me and when he was unable to answer as to why he would marry me when he already knew that I was not the one he wanted, when he was already going to other women's homes BEFORE we were even married. When I didn't want to get married, but he kept pushing for it until I gave in.
It was enough to know that he was sleeping with other women - unprotected - and then coming home, bringing who knows what with him. I know that over the last 5 years I was experiencing women issues that I had never had before and I couldn't figure out why I was suddenly afflicted with such issues. Funny thing is that I have not had a single episode since we split up last January.
For me it was enough to realize that while I was in the hospital in 2010 for ten days, I only saw my husband there for about 20 minutes each night. While other patients had their significant others there almost day and night, I was always alone. I realize now that he was off doing what he does best: romancing other women. While I was laying in that hospital bed, scared out of my mind, he could have cared less.
Then in October of 2014 I took myself to the hospital. I was having chest pain and I was scared. I called him from the hospital and told him where I was and why and that I was scared. I expected him to show up - he never did. As a matter of fact, I was unable to get a hold of him after that initial call. When I came home 2 hours later, he was sitting in the kitchen - he had turned off his phone....
In October and then November I had to put 2 of my dogs down. He was home both times. I went by myself to the vet both times. He knew it would devastate me to put them down, yet he did not offer to go with me, nor did he show up at the vet. My vet's wife stayed with me through it all.
During the last days he became verbally abusive, calling me a fat, lazy ass, big nose, stubby toes, picking on all of my insecurities and using them as weapons against me. He even went as far as to tell me 'There were times when I felt prettier than you'! The lazy part was a joke, considering I was the one who handled everything from finances, cleaning, gardening, mowing, shopping, laundry, cooking - all while working 40+ hours a week and all while my 'poor' husband was in bed, supposedly sleeping from 8AM -5Pm. I now know that in actuality he was sexting with the OW and who knows how many others.
He never took time off from work for me, saying he has always been this way, that he is a workaholic. Then I saw on his paystub that he had taken off 36 hours which he did not spend with me. During that time he would dress and go to work as usual and then return home as if he had been at work all night. Which of course he wasn't.
There are still times that my heart breaks for him when I see him standing in his parents front yard, knowing how much he has lost. He came to me with nothing, left, expecting to live high and now he was back to having nothing at all. There is a part of me that still loves the man I thought he was and that is the part that allows me to feel sorry for this man.
Then there is this other part of me, the bitter, angry part at having been used by him for so many years and once he reached the top and was sitting pretty, he discarded me like yesterdays trash. He figured he got away with 2 houses, 2 new trucks, no debt, 2 great incomes, 2 great retirements and a large amount of stock. Not once did he check in with me to see if I was doing ok, if I was faring well. He was riding high with his mistress.
The funny thing is, neither of them post any picture with or of the other on FB. Neither of them show a status of being involved, etc and neither of them write on the others FB. Though she posted 'I finally roped my cowboy" to which one of her friends asked how his retirement would be. She replied 'He told me it would be big'
Surprise: it is not nearly as big as he thought it would be, considering he got fired and I am getting 1/2 of it :-)
I don't feel sorry for her. From what I know from the OW's brother-in-law and co-workers, she has a habit of sleeping with married men. She broke up at least 2 other marriages that I know of. One of the married men left his wife to be with her, only to find out several months later that she was having an affair with yet another married man. The first married man left her, the 2nd married man moved in with her. A few months after he had left his wife, she kicked him out and started seeing the first married man again. She was still seeing him when she started with my husband.
And yes, she KNEW he was married and she KNEW that we were together. I had told her when this first started to rear it's ugly head. He had told her that he was living with his parents. I told her that was a lie and he was at home with me. She had the gall to drive to my house to see for herself.
So, NO, I do not feel pity for her at all. They both deserve everything that is coming down on them and then some! Call me Karma
Glad you didn't get the 'gyn sequelae' that can always be a real potential & life threat when one partner cheats & lies.
Im going thru issues as well: married 30yrs, 5 biologics, at least 2 paramours of some level of involvement, Major Tax Issues, hidden 'talk', mail, no answer to my questions/concerns. I wonder if he has an OC out there!!!
Currently standing up for myself, getting off the 'yo yo, merry go round' & planting my feet back on solid ground!
Your a 'Survivor' and are going to achieve balance, peace & freedom from of what I summise as Against the 'players/members of the underworld'
Believe in Yourself!!!
Keep posting: I just joined this social site!!
Good Luck!
Sincerely,
AnyWonder
Is it really karma though when someone doesn't pay their bills, and eventually they're kicked to the street?
They both sound very much alike. Like they'd dump the other in less than a heartbeat if they could find someone else to use. They're each other's last choice...yeah, wow (sarc).
My ex's older brother was a 10% like that. He never cheated on anyone, but he borrowed money from anyone that he could talk into it.
He did eventually grow up (pigs are flying all over Pennsylvania pooping rainbows out of their butts...), and got semi-responsible.
It really all comes down to this. We all make our own lives what we most want them to be. I'm really sorry for people like your ex that have never been able to manage more for themselves, but it was always in their own control.
They deserved what they got.
I've got some nasty relatives and they are now getting theirs.
I didn't have to do a thing, they did it to themselves. It did take many
years, but it was worth the wait.
Congratulations
I remember when I first found out about OW, (14 year marriage) I was devastated and felt the same way - you can have everything.. its all tainted.. but then anger kicks in, and the reality that you deserve some compensation.. we also had bought a home together, but I let him keep it.. we didn't have any equity really, just 2 years in, leaving that house is still a sore spot for me (18 months post divorce) I fell in love with it, and all the stress of buying.. but I know I'll buy again, its not the end of the world.. but I did get some alimony, and he's NOT living high on the hog.. but barely breaking even every month.. and I too dont feel bad AT ALL..
as for the disclosure on the divorce proceedings.. you're no longer looking out for his interests, and the man can read before he signs paperwork.. so more power to you :) you should feel very blessed that you didn't have to fight as much as you probably would have had to if he hadn't have signed.. a blessing for you :)
Thank you for sharing your story, I sincerely wish you the best :) ((hugs!!))
There are people out there who feel that what I did is wrong, in the end it wasn't my complaint that got them fired, but their lying.
The company gave them every opportunity to come clean and just admit their relationship. The company simply would have put them on different shifts, so that he would not have been her direct supervisor. They denied it to the end and THAT is what got them fired.
Yes, they always had choices. Had I known any of this was going on, I would have left him a long time ago, but he was VERY good at his deceptions.
They will have been 6 months out of work on the 17th of Feb. Going on 4 months living with his parents. His parents are mid 70's, he is 53 and she is 50.
I know he does not love her. he would not have strung her along for 3 years if he did. He also has never said that he loves her.
I told him the saddest part is that they both lost everything when she is not all that to him either. Whether she knows this by now or not - I don't know, but I know that things aren't so green on the other side of the fence anymore.
We've been having to 'talk' about taxes. I don't call him, we only text. I have had him blocked from everything until we are having to do taxes.
I can always tell when she is around. His texts are few and far in between or sometimes not answered until the next day.
When she is not around, he is very talkative, telling me how good it is to 'talk' to me again and that he hopes we can 'talk' more.
I told him 'Don't you have someone you should be talking to?' His reply 'Never mind'
Given the opportunity he would sext and cheat with me on her like he cheated and sexted with her while with me.
While I won't play his game, I DO take some satisfaction out of knowing that she has Karma sitting at her door in another form.
And - I have to be honest, I will try to keep him texting (about Taxes) for as long as I can and I do text him with questions about made up tax questions in the middle of the night, when I know she is with him.
Just because I want her to KNOW what it feels like to be in love with someone and have another woman text him at all hours of the night.
It's been a year since it all went down and while I still mourn for the man I thought he was, I am past wishing him back. He used to look me straight in the eye and flat out lie as I now know.
I would never be able to believe anything he would tell me and, quite frankly, my life is a lot less stressful on my own.
I am happy just being me. I have a great roommate (platonic - could be my son) and the only obligation I have is to myself.
I like it!
my now ex-husband has contacted me. It has been over a year since we split, 5 months since the divorce, 6 months that they both have been out of jobs and 4 months of both living with his parents....
So now he sees the light. NOW he realizes what he had and what he gave up.
He told me 'What I had was 100x's better than the trouble and pain I caused. That what I had always wanted wasn't on the internet, it was actually right in front of me and instead of fighting for it, I let it slip away'
He is still with the OW, but he wanted me to meet him, wanted me to listen to the song 'Happy Together' by The Turtles.
Even after all of this time, I am still weak when it comes to him. I still love the man I thought he was, but I am a lot stronger than he thought.
I did NOT meet him, though I did listen to the song which at this point only makes me sad in that it is how it could have been with us.
He still blames me for his affairs and behavior. Still tells me that he didn't sleep with the woman he met on the internet until I filed for divorce.
His memory must be failing him, because I filed the divorce the day AFTER I found out he was with another woman.
He also blames me for pushing him together with the OW he is with now. Tells me that they didn't sleep together until AFTER I filed for divorce (never mind the fact that we were still living together, still sleeping together).
I told him he always had choices: if he wasn't happy with me, if he didn't love me, the door was always open for him to leave. I told him the last time I asked him to name 1 thing about me, he couldn't name a single thing - what has changed? He told me he loves everything about me and that he lied each time he told me he never loved me....
It would have been so easy to fall back into this with the man I still love, but I really am stronger - I have found my confidence and know my worth and I am convinced that he would never have looked back had he not fallen so far. I am pretty sure that under his current circumstances what I had to offer and what I gave him looks 100% better than where is now.
If you want to know what the future would hold, just look at his past actions.
You so deserve someone who will treat you a whole lot better than he did.