Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi There. Like many, I am new but in desperate need of some advice and/or support. In the past, I have dealt with crippling depression over breakups and I am trying to actively avoid that. I guess the only thing I can do is just jump into my story.
I am 23 and a recent graduate of college. My boyfriend and I of 2 years just broke-up last weekend. To add some background, we had a really great relationship. There were definitely aspects that concerned me about compatibility, but he was a very loving, supportive, and patient person with me. I am not the most emotionally stable person (I struggle with depression, mild anxiety, and am constantly stressing myself out) but he was always there for me. Basically what I am saying is that he was a really great boyfriend. He however, commissioned into the Navy when we graduated and we have been in a long distance relationship for about 9 months. This was hard, but we made it work. Communication was always something we were pretty good with. He deployed two months ago (of a 7 month deployment) and that is when things changed. We originally were going to breakup when he left because I did not believe that I could handle it. I was also dealing with unemployment (very high levels of stress) and he convinced me that a breakup would be too hard on my mental state and that ultimately it would be worth it to stay together. Slowly and slowly the communication began to break down due to external forces. His ships phones would go out, the internet would be turned off; there was always something that got in the way. It got to the point where I would only receive one email/fb message every few days. As a person who really relied on a his support, this was extremely painful for me. We got to videochat once in those 2 months and in the last few weeks, phone calls were not possible. Our two year anniversary came and within a few days we got the news that his ship was going into a 4-6 week period of no communication. This means no phone calls or emails for 4-6 weeks. We were already struggling so much and I let him know that I didnt think I could do this. He gave in quite quickly and agreed that he didnt want to do this to me. He felt like he was dragging me along and he was tired of disappointing me. This conversation was a very unfulfilling and short fb convo because we couldnt get anything else.
It has only been a week and his ship has gone into silence so we have not been able to talk at all. I feel like I do not have closure to move forward. Many of my friends are in very happy relationships and I find it painful to be around right now. In addition, a gift from our anniversary arrived after the breakup. He bought me a gorgeous ring that is worth a lot more than I am comfortable. The company does not allow returns and I am unsure what to do.
Any advice on what I can do with myself is so incredibly appreciated. Everything I read suggests no communication (which is not a choice at this point) but I feel like really do need to talk with him. But I also feel so vulnerable that I would be easily convinced to continue the relationship (even though I am not convinced that is what is or is not right). I also see a lot that says rely on friends, but I find that to be painful too. Any advice on the gift situation would also be great (it is a source of stress for me).
Overall, our breakup was amicable and very kind. We both still love each other so much and I dont know how to move forward when we both feel this way.
Wow I tried to keep that short but was not able to. I really really appreciate anyone taking the time to help me.
I am 23 and a recent graduate of college. My boyfriend and I of 2 years just broke-up last weekend. To add some background, we had a really great relationship. There were definitely aspects that concerned me about compatibility, but he was a very loving, supportive, and patient person with me. I am not the most emotionally stable person (I struggle with depression, mild anxiety, and am constantly stressing myself out) but he was always there for me. Basically what I am saying is that he was a really great boyfriend. He however, commissioned into the Navy when we graduated and we have been in a long distance relationship for about 9 months. This was hard, but we made it work. Communication was always something we were pretty good with. He deployed two months ago (of a 7 month deployment) and that is when things changed. We originally were going to breakup when he left because I did not believe that I could handle it. I was also dealing with unemployment (very high levels of stress) and he convinced me that a breakup would be too hard on my mental state and that ultimately it would be worth it to stay together. Slowly and slowly the communication began to break down due to external forces. His ships phones would go out, the internet would be turned off; there was always something that got in the way. It got to the point where I would only receive one email/fb message every few days. As a person who really relied on a his support, this was extremely painful for me. We got to videochat once in those 2 months and in the last few weeks, phone calls were not possible. Our two year anniversary came and within a few days we got the news that his ship was going into a 4-6 week period of no communication. This means no phone calls or emails for 4-6 weeks. We were already struggling so much and I let him know that I didnt think I could do this. He gave in quite quickly and agreed that he didnt want to do this to me. He felt like he was dragging me along and he was tired of disappointing me. This conversation was a very unfulfilling and short fb convo because we couldnt get anything else.
It has only been a week and his ship has gone into silence so we have not been able to talk at all. I feel like I do not have closure to move forward. Many of my friends are in very happy relationships and I find it painful to be around right now. In addition, a gift from our anniversary arrived after the breakup. He bought me a gorgeous ring that is worth a lot more than I am comfortable. The company does not allow returns and I am unsure what to do.
Any advice on what I can do with myself is so incredibly appreciated. Everything I read suggests no communication (which is not a choice at this point) but I feel like really do need to talk with him. But I also feel so vulnerable that I would be easily convinced to continue the relationship (even though I am not convinced that is what is or is not right). I also see a lot that says rely on friends, but I find that to be painful too. Any advice on the gift situation would also be great (it is a source of stress for me).
Overall, our breakup was amicable and very kind. We both still love each other so much and I dont know how to move forward when we both feel this way.
Wow I tried to keep that short but was not able to. I really really appreciate anyone taking the time to help me.
I think it is good for both of you to focus on what you are doing and then reconcile.
If you feel the need to maintain friendship, you should do it.
It was very mature of you to know your limitations and weaknesses and it is great that he understood this.
I think it will make him feel good that you still love him. Let him know.
But more than that I think you have to address some issues with Low self-esteem or codependency.... Something is off and needs to get fixed before being in a relationship.
You can't need people so much to be happy. You need to learn to be happy with yourself first before being in a relationship. This means being on your own for a while. Not jumping into another relationship just to cover your problems with a band-aid.
Google: Codependency and then Low Self esteem. Find the symptoms and see if they apply to you. If they do then Therapy can help. Even if it's not one of these I would still recommend being on your own for a few months (6 months to a year) and finding yourself. Work on your career. Go back to studying. Build YOURSELF up and find your happiness. Once you find yourself genuinely happy with just you, open up to dating again.
I hope everything works out for you. I truly hope you find your balance and happiness. Big hug.
I do agree with you Aronia about giving our own lives attention and then potentially seeing if they match up. Most of the advice I can find online about break-ups focus on negative relationships or one sided endings. It's hard to know what is okay in an amicable and mutual breakup. What you said has given me some comfort so thank you.
LonelyWolf79, this was a really interesting thing to hear. While I was familiar with low self-esteem in my younger years (who isnt?) I hadn't considered it until you mentioned it. I think I do have a lot of confidence in some areas of my life, but feeling wanted and worthy of attention is something I have struggled with. I think my ex gave that to me which in turn made me slightly co-dependent on him. Looking into what a co-dependent relationship is, I don't think we fully fit the description (which is good!) but it definitely resonated in some areas. Overall, I have always been a big believer in self improvement and hearing you say these things has reminded me on the opportunity we have. We are forcibly thrown into a situation where we can grow independently and potentially come back stronger or move forward from a positive relationship.
Overall, I don't feel ready to move on and I don't know if that is okay to communicate with him. I am not saying that I absolutely want to get back together when he returns, but I am not ready for us to cut each other out completely. I do not want to play games with his heart in any way so I am just trying to decide what is fair for both of us.
In addition to what Aronia & LW said, I wanted to add that being in a relationship w/active duty military is often like what you described. It always has been and always will be. That is something you need to sit with to see if you can handle that, should you both decide to try again when he gets back.
When I was married to the military, we only had snail mail and it got help up on the ship and was sometimes delayed for months. There was only an occasional phone call when they were in port. No cell phones, internet or video chats. I was important to have the support of friends and family because this is the way of life for the military. One has to develop the ability to handle things as they come up independently of the service person. It's hard on the person who is away because they tend to worry about loved ones at home.
As far as continuing to communicate w/him, there's still snail mail and you can always text or email asking if he's ok w/continuing to stay in touch, knowing it may be weeks or a month or more before you hear back from him.
I urge you to find a good therapist who can teach you tools to help w/the mild anxiety and stress; help you rebuild your self-esteem and also help you w/your depression and codependency. The right therapist and modality can make all the difference.
~healing hugs~
Thanks for your input. It is good to have the reminder that this military thing isnt going to change. I definitely know that it is not a life I was built for, so I do need to always remember this.
A couple of you have now mentioned a therapist and I definitely have considered this. It's not something I have ever done and I thought it would also be a good experience of selfhelp that was independent of him. Do any of you have advice for seeking out the right therapist? I do not even know where to start.
Once again, thanks for all the input. Having numerous opinions from an independent party is really helping me in ways I did not expect.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/20977607-questions-ask-potential
Know that it takes a while to build a rapport between therapist & client and that not all therapists are good and not all will be right for you. Just like what modalities work for me may not work for you. Each person is different.
What they say about romance can also apply to finding the right therapist. "It takes kissing a lot of frogs to find the prince/princess." So don't give up!
Congratulations on earning your degree! And it sounds like you really love him and that he really loves you. Sounds like a good man and you sound like a good woman. I definitely think you should not give up on this relationship, but continue being patient.
Indeed, you may not hear from him for weeks or months, but he is probably thinking about you the way you are thinking of him.
There are lots of therapists out there. Check a few out if you need to.
We are here to listen to each other and help each other.
Whether you have a "great need" to lean on someone to the point of labeling yourself as co-dependent, I think when going through the stresses of normal everyday life, can have us all just "needing" something or someone. I find I hug my dog a lot more now-a-days cus I just need a hug some times. I know, not really on the same level, but, my point is, just cus you need that someone or something to lean on, doesn't mean its a character flaw or issue.
You seem pretty level headed in your 4 whole posts :) But seriously, within those 4 posts you seem open minded to accepting what others are saying, level headed to know what fits and doesn't, and mature enough to want to learn and seek support of life not just an instance.
but in the end, back to you and yours; yeh, this is military life and regardless of labels, it simply may not be a relationship that fits you. Know that its Ok, and whats for the best is for the best.
Welcome to the group