Put yourself first. Don't think about the past anymore. Do what makes you happy and things will get better.

I am glad you contacted a therapist.
Recovery can be a long hard road and
Often we need lots of help along the
way.

I kept beating every bush i could find
To get better and to start to heal. When
On bottom there is one way and that
is up. Alanon/CODA will help a lot too.
HUGS

So hard. Hardest thing I have ever done.

Godhelpme, you need God! Do you think his narcissistic ass ran off into the sun and is suddenly happy? The answer is NO!

Stop it, you are driving yourself nuts for no reason, your definitely codependent. Stop it! The grass is not greener on the other side. He is just as Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, with the next victim!!!!

Godhelpusall, do what drew said. Its not the end but the beginning, and a fresh start for you, it take and run

Spr167 thank you. I know I am codependent and mention that in previous posts. I have been trying very hard. Hence falling apart yesterday. But I am also angry and hurt...almost human one would say. I have turned to God...friends and family. When I post here it's bc I have exhausted my faith not given up on it. This has been a very lonely path and was looking for ideas and answers I cannot come up with myself is all. No one in my inner circle has dealt with this so I came here for support and ideas.

Godhelpme, I am 3 months to the day into my separation. Yesterday was a court date for initial custody of the kids. What I know is that I can sit and talk with my ex and things almost seem normal. But in the next moment I am being bashed by her and her Lawyer. The hurt, the feelings, the betrayal by the person that you wanted to spend your life with doesn't go away. It surfaces when I least expect it. I can be happy as a lark and the next moment I am reminded of something we did together or as a family. For me the isolation in my apartment is the worst. I like to putz and tinker with things, but no longer have a house or a garage to do it. I have taken steps that are new to me, and show me a new side... I have begun looking at my future with out her in it. I am seeing a possible life with me and my girls. I am still sad, but I know I am better off. I bet you are too. Give yourself some time, and credit for dealing with the worst pain I have ever experienced. You will get through this. Be positive, be proud of what you have done.

Good luck and feel free to message me if you ever need to talk privately.

You are not alone here. I went through the exact same thing with an abusive husband who was also a narcissit and just about destroyed me, my self-confidence, self-esteem and health. I realized one day that I would no longer allow his behaviors to have a grip on me, and I did what I needed to do to remove myself from his abuse.
I suffered with PTSD from the years of mistreatment and it took a long time to push through the flashbacks and anger that I had pent up towards him. I would stop and take deep breaths when I felt a panic attack coming, I would un-clench my fists, and tell myself out loud " I am no longer a victim, I am free from his abuse, I am victorious and I am an over-comer".
Believe in your heart that you are worthy, beautiful, intelligent and wanted. Narcissitic abusers set out to destroy those positive feelings within us, they are hurting others because they hurt, and they refuse to accept responsibility for their behaviors, we try to understand them and help them cope. I am in no way making excuses for them. I saw this in my x every time he would come after me in a rage. I became a co-dependent people pleaser trying to keep him calm and happy all the time, in turn it caused me to lose sight of who I was, I was losing my identity trying to be his cheerleader 24/7 and there was no one to cheer me or be my support. Thankfully my Christian faith got me through the rough times and still sustains me today.
You are in control now and will get through this. Throw yourself into your housework, have the cleanest house on the block! If you can, join a ladies PTSD recovery group or a domestic violence recovery group, it helps tremendously to vent and unload the stuff we carry around, when you are with others who are where you were/are, they understand, and can be the emotional support you are needing. And good for you talking to a therapist, unload your anger, frustrations, guilt, shame, all of it. You can and will make it through this. And you will trust again, but it takes time and there are no time lines for healing. A day at a time, you can do this. Please remember you are worthy, beautiful, intelligent and ready to be who you were made to be, not what someone tells you to be.
I am praying for your healing and strength to be an over-comer, you got this!!! Can I suggest a couple You Tube songs? Look up Mandisa's Overcomer or Matthew West's Hello my name is.. These are great boosters and let you know how important you are. Blessings and hugs to you.

http://bit.ly/2tSaasM

Thank you HarleyDiva. That is the sweetest post. I am home with the flu today (of course) and this msg cheered me up. Thank you. I hope I have half your strength.

I'm terrified of men too, well trusting them. I do'nt know if this is true for you, but I gave this person everything in me and he trashed it like it was nothing - makes me feel like I'm worthless ..I don't know why I'm not enough for him, I feel like I lowered my standards in several areas to date him..anyway I wish had advice for you...sounds like if he is a narcissist, then he might really get off on you calling and yelling, he might enjoy that way too much. I wouldn't give his twisted self the satisfaction.

I didnt call and I wont its pointless. Thank you everyone for the positive notes here it helps. I am doing one step at a time. I am doing the work...I will just keep praying and try to keep the faith.

If you don't already work out, you might want to try starting an exercise routine. I started running at age 50, and it's been 5 years. Yesterday I ran a 5K with my son, and won first place in my age group!

I was the only one in my age group :)

Point being, working out is a thing you do for yourself, solely. It helps you keep the focus on YOU, not the a$$ he is, but you. You and your future.

When you are betrayed by the person you trust the most, it can really mess up your self image. The longer that you were in the relationship, the worse the effect is;
Because you "see" yourself through your partners eyes.

Trust men again?
Mmmm , women can be soul sucking spiders too.

Why should I trust you?

First, you should trust yourself, if you were genuine in the relationship, then you were honest.
Stay honest with yourself.
Be honest on a relationship , accept no less ...ever

Going for a walk with a friend today hoping it will get me out of my head. I am on vacation and its so hard. Like having a never ending weekend...not enough distraction. I had really hoped I was going to feel better but I have slipped back and its discouraging. I know women can be hurtful too...I can only speak to my experience. With only female friends its the only perspective I get.

People here that have not dealt with spouses that are narcissistic and have borderline personality disorders do not realize that these people never stop. I have been trying to move on but she keeps attacking not just me but my kids too. Everyday it's something else. You can not just walk away.

Narcissists are just has much as codependent as codependents. They thrive on drama, and ego stroking and the need it. They are used to getting what they want and when they don't, you end up in court over and over again. They don't quit.

I understand what your going through. You can not win a fight against a narcissist...not even it court. Which is very exhausting. They are the ones who won't go away. I have no contact and have nothing to do with my stbx, yet she will not stop attacking and accusing.
Best of luck and stay strong. This fight will be a lengthy one unfortunately
-HUGS-

Thank you Her.