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Breakup face to face or through chat ?

yendh
yendh
Hi all,

I'm sorry to bring this topic here while most of you are in pain of breakup. However, your advice may help my soon to be ex (stbx) to save some time and energy.

I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. We are in distant relationship for more than 3 months. Already met 4 times. Chat and sms everyday. He loves me very much. But we are so different that I don't find any common between us, so I'm not even sure why he loves me.

Now I'm wonder, should I break up with him face to face, meaning in the next 2 weeks when we will meet again? or should I break up with him through chat right now to save time and energy for both of us?

I know that face to face is better, and I can support him right away when he faces this breakup. But that also means in the next 2 weeks I will have to play a confusing role.

I can't let him think that things are still normal between us, so that he won't sense the change, and will be shocked. But I also feel bad if I put him through 2 weeks of confusion, wait, and lots of questions (impossible to change to airplane tickets to go to see him now)

I also went through this phase years ago, when my ex bf started treating me differently. I smelled the change and it was a bad time, a waiting game. Everything was so confusing. I could only wait and wait... It was a daily mind game that was killing me at that time (I joined DS during that time to seek for support)

Now, I don't know what is better. I fully understand that either way, my stbx will be hurt. But should I do it right away through chat? so that we can avoid the mind game? or should I wait 2 weeks to do it face to face?

Your advice is much appreciated. Thank you.

Yen.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Face to face is always best, but since you're apart already, and have only seen each other 4 times, it may be good to lay the groundwork before hand. Maybe just tell him that your feelings have been changing for him, and that you would like to talk to him about it when you see him. That may open a dialogue with him, and maybe you 2 will figure it all out before even meeting, and then maybe the meeting doesn't have to take place at all, or it can be a short, final goodbye. I don't think it's wise to string someone along, because like you said they can tell that something's not right.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Not even a question in my book- face to face is the way to go.

Think of it this way. How would you feel if someone you liked just sent you a cold message and broke it off? Personally, I would feel like a fool and think I was so low on their list that I didn't even rate the courtesy of being told in person. I don't mean it to sound as harsh as what I just wrote, but I think its better to take the high road, even if things didn't work out.
yendh
yendh
Thank you very much for your advice. I will wait till we meet and tell him in person. In the meantime, I will send him some signals.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My disgusting ex waited till I walked through the door after having no sleep for 40 hours and not having seen him in 4.5 months since I was away working in Saudi Arabia. I hate him for it. We were married 7 years. Of course, I hate him also for the fact that he'd replaced me with another woman, whom he continued to see while I had to live in what was once *OUR* home which he then called *HIS*.

But I resent him and will never forgive him for making me work in Saudi while letting me think that I was loved and cherished during this time. I'll never, ever forgive him no matter how unhealthy some people think that is. I may accept one day, but NEVER forgive him for his withholding and outright lying.

So I think you should CALL him, and tell him about your changing feelings. I don't think you should make him play the guessing game, feeling the way I felt during my final weeks in Saudi, It made me sick. I am still disgusted by him. The shock I faced when walking through that door is something I'll never, ever, EVER forget, and I am scarred for life.

That's my 50 cents.

Steph
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is a very young relationship. I don't see a huge problem telling him through communication that you don't think it will work out because of the distance. You don't have to be mean or abrupt. Answer his questions truthfully so he has time to adjust. You can tell him to take a few days, or a week without any contact so he can tin it over, then call or IM, or text with any comments/questions.

BTW, not telling someone something important like this is called a 'withhold' and yes, they will know something is up.