Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I know that many of us on here are still going through the early stages of the break-up... it's impossible to think about anything else, you can't concentrate, everything seems so depressing... it's basically the worst. I stumbled across this web page during one of my many internet searches for break up remedies, and thought others might find it helpful as well. I sent these to myself as an email, so that I can pull it up whenever I need to. If anyone else has others they use, feel free to add them!
(From: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break)
Affirmations
When Im feeling anxious, insecure, and upset, Im experiencing a drop in my brains dopamine and serotonin levels. These drops undermine my feelings of optimism and confidence, and drive me to seek out the false reward of reassurance and closeness with my ex-lover.
I shall boost my confidence and restore calm by remembering the following:
1.My distress is a result of brain chemistry and Im not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.
2.My anxieties and insecurities dont necessarily reflect whats really going on or what hes thinking or feeling.
3.Just because he broke up with me doesnt mean that what we had wasnt real. Its simply not real any more.
4.I shall respectfully honor his request for space.
5.Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame.
6.Instead of thinking, I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.
7.It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me.
8.When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not him.
9.When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see him and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. Im having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind.
10.When triggered, I shall give myself a 90-second timeout for my physiology to calm downand I shall not renew my distress by focusing on whats upsetting to me.
11.I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.
12.Hes just not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.
13.Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, its like picking off a scab and making it bleed. Im only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.
14.I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until Im completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And its okay if we dont remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
15.Its okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.
16.I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.
17.I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.
18.I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural serotonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, smiling, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.)
19.When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic.
20.The more I behave like a sane person, the more Ill feel like a sane person.
21.To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.
22.I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.
(From: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break)
Affirmations
When Im feeling anxious, insecure, and upset, Im experiencing a drop in my brains dopamine and serotonin levels. These drops undermine my feelings of optimism and confidence, and drive me to seek out the false reward of reassurance and closeness with my ex-lover.
I shall boost my confidence and restore calm by remembering the following:
1.My distress is a result of brain chemistry and Im not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.
2.My anxieties and insecurities dont necessarily reflect whats really going on or what hes thinking or feeling.
3.Just because he broke up with me doesnt mean that what we had wasnt real. Its simply not real any more.
4.I shall respectfully honor his request for space.
5.Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame.
6.Instead of thinking, I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.
7.It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me.
8.When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not him.
9.When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see him and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. Im having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind.
10.When triggered, I shall give myself a 90-second timeout for my physiology to calm downand I shall not renew my distress by focusing on whats upsetting to me.
11.I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.
12.Hes just not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.
13.Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, its like picking off a scab and making it bleed. Im only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.
14.I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until Im completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And its okay if we dont remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
15.Its okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.
16.I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.
17.I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.
18.I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural serotonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, smiling, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.)
19.When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic.
20.The more I behave like a sane person, the more Ill feel like a sane person.
21.To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.
22.I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.
I am sharing it with friends too
These reminders, and affirmations you posted really hit the mark. Being left is less of a reflection on us, and more of one on them.
The weeks before Christmas are a bad time for relationships. To those single ladies and gents out there, the market is about to get a lot meatier. The chart was first posted on David McCandless' Information is Beautiful website, and has since been reposted on several other news sites. McCandless and Byron searched for the frequency of "break up" and "broken up" in Facebook statuses, and also set up a program that logged the dates of changes in relationship status onto a calendar. Does the study rely too heavily on Facebook?
"I think it relates to real life, probably, really closely," said Byron. "Just based on anecdotal evidence, it seems to match up. Anyone who has looked at the chart tends to have a positive reaction. I've also had an expert in relationships look at the graph and tell me that it maps very close to reality
McCandless seconded that opinion. "I wouldn't call it a study," he said. "The intention was not to claim anything is true, it's just an interesting pattern that happens. There are all kinds of biases, Facebook was very much primarily used by young people, I'm just simply saying 'cool.'"
The chart is one piece of a larger project on breakups. The series of information graphics on ending relationships includes topics like breakup methods and "We broke up because," as well as a flow chart on how relationships come together and fall apart.
But Why Do Couples Break Up Right Before Christmas?
When asked why two weeks before Christmas is a peak breakup time, Byron said, "I think it has something to do with end-of-the-year reflections or thoughts of everyone heading home for the holidays." Perhaps some people realize their significant other is not someone they would want to introduce to their families.
"I can only reflect on my own experience -- would you want stay in a relationship that you felt was over through Christmas and New Year's? You don't want to be dogged by worries or pressure, you don't want to be worrying about the potential ups and downs in your relationship, you just want to clear the space," said McCandless.
"This is the season," said Dr. Dorree Lynn, a psychologist and author of "Sex for Grownups," "to be needy and greedy as opposed to the message that we try to put out. It evokes incredibly high stress and depression, culminating statistically in New Years being the highest suicide date. The reason this happens is that we have the media myth that this is supposed to be a happy, wonderful and joyous time."
"Couples or people who are dating are in a bind," Lynn said. "It's kind of a flight or another step to commitment time. The same thing holds true for Valentine's Day. These are symbolic times where you're making a statement, and if you're not sure, particularly if you haven't been dating for several years, a lot of people have issues about gift giving and how intimate the gift giving is and they get frightened because they don't want to put pressure on the other person, but on the other hand they don't want to feel like a fool giving something and not getting anything back."
"I think the expectation of an expensive gift from a significant other can be the straw that breaks up the camel's relationship," said Brian Moylan of Gawker. "If you're already unhappy and thinking about pulling the trigger on a relationship, why not do it before you have to spend hundreds of dollars on a fancy watch or cufflinks or lingerie you don't even want to see your girlfriend wearing anyway? That way you get freedom and $100 you can blow at a strip club (or on some reasonably priced shoes)."
Moylan added, "People are thinking about New Year's resolutions and how to improve their lives, and sometimes the best improvement you can make is setting free the good-for-nothing mate."
On the other end of the spectrum, new relationships are on the boom before and during the holidays. Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair says, We see our largest increase in clients during the holidays. People do not want to be alone on the holidays, and with New Year coming, they make resolutions to do whatever it takes to find their soul mate. Even if it means traveling halfway around the world."
A Foreign Affair operates a web site that introduces men to women in Asia, Russia and Latin America. Each week they take groups of men to foreign countries where in just a few shorts days they can meet hundreds of beautiful foreign women looking for marriage. Kenneth Agee further states, And if you are worried about a breakup, these relationships have half the divorce rate of domestic marriages.
There's nothing like being dumped right before the holidays to break your spirit.
As a Get Real about Love coach, I get calls about it from thanksgiving through Valentines Day.
First of all you have to look at it as a blessing in disguise, even though your heart might be aching.
Follow these steps and soon you can let go and move on!
Call in a support team from the people who love you who will be there for you!
Make plans to keep busy and take some space to heal your heart.
Dont focus on a reconciliation! ONCE ITS OVER LET IT GO!
Have a final talk then move on. When someone leaves it is over! Dont call to see if they are ok.
GET YOUR STUFF FROM HIM/HER!
Get all your stuff (CDs you left, underwear, T-shirts you wore to bed)
so you dont have that hanging over your head.
This is all a part of moving on. It helps both people let go!
YOU CANT BE HIS/HER FRIEND RIGHT NOW!
Its best not to shift into being friend right after a break up.
Its too frustrating and can make you feel worse if you pretend you can handle it!
You need some healing time.
Leave him/her alone and dont call! If he/she calls, keep it short and dont tease them.
If you are the one who broke it off, don promise anything unless you mean it!
NO FRIENDLY SEX TO NUMB THE PAIN!
Dont sleep with her/him unless you want to reopen the wound and youll have to heal all over again. Having sex doesnt guarantee getting the relationship back. Using Sex to console him/her only to dump them again next week is HURTFUL and very selfish!
Try to Keep yourself busy attempt to get in the holiday spirit. Let your family know that you don't want to be discussing your situation and need positive encouragement right now!
NURTURE YOURSELF & GET IN TOUCH WITH HEART. Go get a massage or go to a spa to get some pampering! Write your experience and feelings in a journal to get emotions out of you whirling mind before you sleep.
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS & GIVE TO OTHERS WHO ARE LESS FORTUNATE
Go feed the homeless, help deliver food at the Salvation Army and dont stay home sulking
GET PROFFESIONAL SUPPORT and some guidance from a love coach so that you can learn the lessons from the experience and grow from it. Get Real with your heart and realize this rejection is Gods protection and there is a reason it happenedeven though it hurts right now! Healing takes time so be kind to yourself.
VISION YOUR FUTURE & KEEP THE FAITH! Someday soon you meet someone new and think,
@1stworld.....I couldn't agree more with this from your post
""If you're already unhappy and thinking about pulling the trigger on a relationship, why not do it before you have to spend hundreds of dollars on a fancy watch or cufflinks or lingerie you don't even want to see your girlfriend wearing anyway?"
@SinglesAd....I have never personally understood those that continue shagging someone that has made it clear they don't want to be with them. If it's over then move on and don't make yourself a FWB
Season greetings, In appreciation of a great year, we are offering everyone a 6 month !00% free membership (A $179 value)
Absolutely no credit card or upgrades required. We just ask you to consider our tours and visa service if you meet some one.
Each year we help thousands of men and women find love. let us help you today for FREE :)
Just pick a site and get your free membership now:
http://www.foreignwomen.com/free_membership.php
http://www.asiansingles.com/free_membership.php
http://www.matchusa.com/free_membership.php
http://www.philippine-singles.com/free_membership.php
Also we are offering extra $250 off any European singles tour and $100 off any Latin tour, just mention this ad: http://www.loveme.com/tours/
Offer valid till January 31st 2015