My wife was my first in many respects- my first girl friend, the first girl I had sex with, the first girl I brought home to my parents and the first girl I concieved a child with, although she didn't keep it. Throughout our tumultuous relationship, the only constant was that I couldn't imagine life without her. And now, she has left me. To be honest, I don't know why. She has attempted to explain, but I didn't get it. What I don't get the most is, after 5 years of marriage, I am good enough to be her booty call, but not her husband. 

I had been seeing her for 5 months when I proposed marriage. She said yes. But her mother wouldn't have agreed to her geting married then. So we eloped. It was an auspicious ceremony attended by two of my friends and two of hers. It was raining and I was moderately drenched by the time I reached the marriage registration office. But I was happy. She was happy. We both had end to end smiles. I didn't have the cash for the wedding treat afterwards, so my friend paid. But we were still happy. So very happy.

We kept the marriage a secret for 2 years. It was hard for me. I was living with my parents and she was living with hers. I felt like my life was stuck in a limbo waiting to get started. In hindsight it was silly to feel that way. But I did. So I kept pushing her to move in with me in a new place, our place. She hadn't finished her studies (which had been taking an unduly long time owing to her apathy towards, well, studying). So she was unwilling. But I kept pushing. Finally, she agreed. I remember thinking to myself "and this marks the begining of our happily ever after". I honestly could not imagine a life without her.

Living together was a whole new experience. She was unkempt, disorganized and struggling with chores. I helped at first. But a voice in my head told me if I didn't let her do it on her own, she will never get the hang of it. I choked that voice after my wife moved out. Anyhow, it's not that she had to do everything by herself. We had a maid. But she seemed to stuggle with the minimum task of instructing the maid, which did make life difficult. Our home was always dirty and in a mess. We had cooked food once or twice a week. The outside food didn't just put a hole in my pocket, it put a major dent on my health.

I loved babies. Always wanted them. But she did not want babies right away. She didn't even know when she might want them. It was hard to deal with that. I started to feel like I might never have kids. Life began to seem pointless. I slipped into clincal depression. But I still couldn't imagine life without her.

The day she left the house, I had already made peace with the possiblity of never being able to father a child. I had also accepted that our home would always be dirty and unkempt, and that home cooked meals were a luxury. It wasn't easy to get to that mindset. I had to go to therapy. It took over a year. But finally I had gotten to the point where I was happy to just be with my wife and have absolutely no expectations of her, not even children. That is when she decided to leave me. She informed me that she had decided not to try any further with our marriage. Funny, I hadn't realised that our marriage was on a probationary basis.

After she had left, I once told her "But why now! I have changed myself to suit you". She returned "Too late".

She said a lot of crap about me to her family. I am guessing she did that to have their support. It's ok. I don't like her family. If they hate me, it's easier to hate them. But since she has committed to an anti-me stance infront of her family, she hid it from them when she decided to call me after moving out. She hid it from them when she decided to go away with me for the night. She hid it from them when she snuck me to her roof and made out with me. 

At first, my wife's unwillingness to stay married to me did not take away any pleasure from the sex. It was just like the first time we had been together, minus the zeal of youth. But now, it's painful. The closer we get to the divorce, the more painful it is. It hurts even when she kisses me. I feel like there is giant hollow where my life used to be. Now it feels like the person who sneaks out with me, I don't know her. She is a complete stranger. She looks like my wife and her touch feels like my wife's. But she is not her. She is somebody else who doesn't want anything to do with me or my life. She is just some girl having a good time. No matter how hard I try to find my wife in her, I can't. I have lost her. And I can't move on...