Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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being realistic...

Che2
Che2
My ex backed out on his visit with the kids today. This is becoming a Tuesday night habit..the only night that he gets the kids. He picks them up from school and brings them home around 8pm. I make home visits and have been planning my visits that need to be later in the day on Tuesdays..when my ex is supposed to get the kids. When he calls last minute to cancel..I have to re-think and rechedule my day. Frustrating.

Tired of being frustrated..I gave myself a little reality check. I could not depend on him when we were married..why am I expecting to be able to depend on him now?? Maybe because it's ONLY one day a week..I don't know.

I survived being married to him by learning not to count on him being there. Crazy work schedule and his many things to do..I just gave up. When he was here..we were happy to see him. When he wasn't..I wasn't upset or dissapointed. That worked for a long time.

For whatever reason..I am just now really understanding that I have to deal with him divorced the same way that I did when we were married. I need peace and stability. So do my kids. If I argue and fight everytime he falls down on the job..that is how I will spend the next 10 yrs of my life. I am not going to do it.

Next time I talk to him..I will tell him to let me know when he IS going to get the kids. That should cut down on the phone calls. Otherwise..I am going to assume that every day..every need..every last detail is on me.

It's actually easier this way. At least I can plan..and use my frustration energy for something positive.

I swear..if he was my babysitter..I would fire him.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Fire him!!! If he can't even make it one night a week, to see his kids, why would you want him to see them? Take the pressure off of yourself, and tell him he doesn't need to see them anymore. There is something about fear that makes people change their ways. Maybe the fear of losing his kids, will snap him back into being a father. Good Luck!!
kidsintowe03
kidsintowe03
I know the feeling!!! With my X I just have to completely take him out of the equation and plan everything. When he does show up it is a surprise..it cuts out the disappointment and let down they were experiencing from him not showing. And I very much can relate to the feeling of disappointment we continue to let ourselves feel only because we allow ourselves to believe they won't do it AGAIN this time. >
deleted_user
deleted_user
Just sent a one-on-one msg to a DS friend about this general topic - beign realistic about what we KNOW they are going to do and be like, as opposed to what we hope for. I spent the first few wks trying to broker less harshness from our kids (20 and 17, so it is not like they're little ones) toward my stbx and trying to explain him, while meanwhile appealing to him to be a dad, be a dad, whatever else he did toward me, to be a dad. Then I decided, I have to stop, 'cause when has he EVER been a dad? And I am going to have even less power to compel that once the divorce is final. So why get my kids' hopes up that he might be there for them one day? Why exhaust myself urging him to do the right thing? I can't protect them from his failures. I can refrain from bad-mouthing him but the rest is on him, and if he's going to cut his ties and run, I might as well acknowledge that reality and not expect him, them or me to operate on illusions. But it's tough, 'cause they're the kids, and they didn't deserve any of it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Uhg, my stbx is the exact same way. Its so frustrating, and sometimes gets overwhelming. I have done exactly what you have. Stopped expecting him to help in any way!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
My sister just reminded me of this yesterday.

"He's going to make this as difficult for you and the kids as possible. Because he doesn't know how to act any other way. He's a selfish bastard."

Pretty much summed it up for me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would make sure that you keep a record of this
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm certainly with you on this. He was terrible about helping plan anything during the marriage, now, even though HE is the one that wants the divorce, is complaining that I want to file! You just have to figure out what's best for you and your kids and stop even considering "daddy".
deleted_user
deleted_user
A-men. Document every missed visit, late pick up and return etc. My STBX has been better about visits, but still sucks with communication/phone calls. Whenever he missed a visit or was late/early I told him I was adding that situation to the "bad dad" list I was keeping for the Judge. I think it straightened him out a little.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Someone asked me if it wasn't terribly hard to be a single parent, and I said, "Not really. In some ways its easier, because now I only have 2 kids instead of 3"
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have my kids every single day. X doesn't even bother pretending that he might come and get them. I do not have to see or talk to him unless it's a court day. In the beginnings I was furious...how dare he hurt my kids? BUT I started thinking about it...they never could count on him anyway...I always had to figure out another way if I couldn't get them. He even told me "why would I start going to the kids' events now? I didn't do it when we married either." Ok...what can you say...my attorney told me that we cannot make him love our kids but we can make him support them. Mine has done a few 5 minute visits...mostly done in the beginning after our separation. He didn't see kids from May 15-July 28...then he actually took a visitation and spent 5 hours with them in August...violated court order barring them from his druggie gf. Refused his next visitation after I took him to court for contempt after violation and they've seen him twice since...once in November and once on New Years Eve...both for around 5 minutes. My x is a complete jerk and a horrible father.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would have to agree with smaquire on this one don't say any thing and keep a track of what he does for about 4 to 6 weeks. Take him back to court and get sole custody with out any visitation.
deleted_user
deleted_user
"every last detail is on me."

I know exactly how you feel. I'm a planner and stbx is more of a 'seat of the pants' type. I manage absolutely everything regarding our children.

The lack of reliability is very frustrating. You would think non-custodial parents would take advantage of any time they could spend with their children. I know there's work and people have their lives, but where are the priorities?

If I understand my lawyer correctly, a parent with sole custody cannot stop visitation without cause, such as placing children in harm's way. Just being inconsistent with their visitation isn't enough, although we don't have to be doormats to their schedules either.
Che2
Che2
I would not try to keep him from seeing the kids..and I never have. He calls a few times a week and he does get them every other weekend..although I am starting to see some changes there too. I would live just for that time with them..and he can't be bothered.

The kids are already following my lead..they did not even question why he didn't pick them up today.

I'm not going to be his doormat. I am going to tell him, after several tuesdays like this, that I am planning on having the kids on Tuesday unless I hear otherwise from him..on Monday.