I understand and know you only want your pain to be taken from you. Just understand that it will be ok and noone has to endure your pain to make you hurt less :-).....it may take time but you have to shake hands with the pain and ask what it needs to heal because hurt creates hurt and so forth. It only becomes more positive when you turn that pain into a gift and you do have that ability. Dont get lost in the pain.

dclaus I have the same thoughts and feelings as you

I can only wish the same things on my stbxr....but she is incapable of that kind of love I believe


So Charlie is right and I hope to be as clear and proactive as she says one day,,Charlie

but betrayal will always be that
and grief is grief

Trust me i do understand but my grief and emotions from it cost me a lot because I could not withstand it so that is why I made the above comment. I have only started becoming proactive just recently:-)

Darin, I totally relate 100%. I feel like this towards my spouse. My friends tell me to not feel this way, except one. She says it's normal and she's right - it is normal. My friends haven't experienced what I'm experiencing, yet, they tell me what I should experience, how I should feel, what I should do, and, what I should think. They surely put a lot of pressure upon me to be who and what THEY believe or want me to be.

They are not me. I am not them. I am a tremendously saddened and heartbroken person in mourning as I continue to grieve the loss of my spouse, the death of our union, the life we shared and the life I once believed we would continue to share into our old age until death.

I'm not judging you or myself for how we feel, what is or isn't reasonable, or, what is or isn't proper. For me, it just "is" ... it simply "is".

I don't see it as weakness to feel sad, hurt, angry, lonely, isolated, depressed and whatever else anyone would feel if s/he is lied to, betrayed, deceived or cheated on without a care or thought in the world. We're human -- we feel.

I don't know how long you were together ... it was 20 years for me and I wish I was already over this horrific experience many yesterdays ago. Unfortunately for me, it isn't so.

One day I will realize that I have indeed moved on. When I sit around thinking about wishing I had moved on, as I do every single night in the wee hours of the early morn when it's quiet -- like right now, I feel the depth and breadth of my sorrow and anguish. I sit in disbelief. I want to believe that this isn't so -- that the hands of time will magically turn back before this all happened, and, that -- he will call and all will be as it once was and should be.

This will never happen. It's a fantasy that is born yet again every single night or early morning when I'm wide awake with my thoughts while everyone else has been long asleep.

Someone very dear to my heart told me that the only way I could move on in my life is to move right through this ... not around, not underneath and not over ... she is right. I expect that you and I will move through this loss and suffering slowly, but, we will.

I apologize that my thoughts are all jumbled here ... my cognitive skills are way off and my thoughts are usually scattered.

I wish you well, kindness and healing. I wish these for myself as well. I hope they will come to me sooner than later. And, in the meantime, I hope and pray I can hang onto some semblance of sanity.

@dclaus -
I think what you are feeling is totally normal and something I have felt and probably will again.

I also hope that the man who stole my ex and my family hurts her the way she hurt me. I know this is wrong and I know that I need to let go of the anger and only when I can forgive will I be able to truly let go.

It's ok to feel this way though. We have had someone rip up our lives and pull the carpet from under us. One day everything was normal and the next it was all gone. It hurts, I totally get. Do not beat yourself up for feeling this way.

@viadolorosa -

You wrote wonderfully and were very concise and I'm glad you responded to his comment. It resonates with me and I feel a lot like you do on most days. I try and sit with the pain, sadness and anger and I too hope that one day I will realise that I have moved on and until then I will cope and work through it all.

Good thoughts going out to you all. I hope we can all find what we are looking for one day.

It's perfectly normal to feel what you're feeling especially after a betrayal. I was married for 24 years before the ex cheated on me. I stayed for three years after I found out and when I finally saw that he had no remorse for what he did and that he would probably just do it again; I asked him for a divorce.

Before the ink was even dry on our divorce papers, he had the OW (who he was supposedly mad at and not in contact with) move in with him. He was on match.com before I ever moved out of the house. As you can see, I let go of a real gem there.

Anyway when I found out they were living together I hated them both with the heat of a thousand white hot suns. I just couldn't help feel like he had wasted so much of my life but the additional 3 years was even worse.

I totally get where you're coming from and since I've been divorced for a little over a year now, I can tell you collectively that it gets better. I am striving to reach "meh" which is the blissful state of not caring what your ex is up to. You don't wish them harm, you don't wish them well; you simply don't care what they do as long as they stay out of your life.

I'm trying to build a rich new life and I am hoping that I will reach the blissful state of meh someday soon. Hang in there. I promise as you heal and move on you'll care less and less about her. It just takes time.

lemaym1.wordpress.com/

The hard part about NC is not knowing what they think of you. I struggle with that each breakup I go through. "Does he miss me", "Is he thinking about me", "How am I not so important". Over and over and over in my head, but the reality is NC is not about him. It's about me. It is about giving me the room to heal. My heart the space it needs to mend. The answers to those questions are irrelevant, and the answers would only make me hurt more than I already am. Stay no contact..

Anger...this is just my feeling, but hold on to it. I'd rather have the anger than the hurt. I'm one of those super sensitive people who hurts for a very long time, and it often takes the anger a while to set in for any length of time other than brief glimpses. I know you don't want to be angry, but it is ok to be. I say as long as it doesn't make you bitter, hang on to it and enjoy the break from the pain and hurt.

sending my support, and wishing us all, comfort, and peace. it's one of the hardest things, and experiences, going through a breakup. i have times where i wonder, what my ex is doing with her days now, and how she could just be so un-caring of my feelings. feels like, she really never truly loved me, and cared about me. closure is a big thing for us all, when going through a breakup. i've been reading the forum, topics, and articles online, about closure. little by little, each day, i think will bring more healing to our hearts, especially the more time, focus, and energy we put into our health, and reminding ourselves, we deserve happiness, and peace.

Dclaus, I feel your words! I am right long side you wishing this for my stbx and his OW....I know it seems mean but when someone hurts you so deeply, sometimes little digs or a hint of wanting to get revenge or wishing them bad days to comes almost seems fair...I have those 'why am I so weak' and crying times too...There is no words to describe when a person destroys the other person lifeI know it takes two of good and bad times but infidelity is a lot of the reason for a divorceI mean could you!!! I also know people grow apart. I guess I just feel it should/could be handled in some way to not hurt the other person.but I guess that is not possible if one person wants to stay in the relationship and the other does not you left to feel so alone and tossed away.
Dclaus I wish I could take away the pain for you and for everyoneTake care

viadolorosa

I relate so well with your words...It is like a nightmare that we can't wake up from....This just isn't so right!

But believe that eventually you will wake up from the nightmare and will experience a new dawn

Although it takes so long...please have faith.....life will get better and the hurt will start to dull

Big Hugs to all of you